So, I've Learned
by kate41319
Summary: Richard Castle never became a writer otherwise he become a lawyer who met Det. Beckett on a case. They have to deal with their past to go on as a couple. If you have questions you can find the writer as chelseamariec. and Johanna is alive.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Well this is not my story, I only help the author with some ideas, the author let me post it here so you could read it. I hope you like this story.

I don't own the characters.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ch. 1 For the first time

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Katherine? Honey? Do you have the other stuff coming down later?"

"Yeah mom. I am actually on my way. See you in a sec. I am pulling up now."

"Ok. Bye honey."

"Mom?"

"Back here."

Kate made her way to her mother's office toward the end of the hallway. There were so many people bustling around, Kate had to be careful not to hit anyone with the stack of boxes she was carrying.

"Oh. Why so many at once? Ever hear of trips?" Johanna Beckett, Kate's mother, came to help lighten her daughter's load.

"Why waste time? Now I do have a couple still left at the precinct for further scrutiny."

"I am sure it's solid like always."

"Never hurts to be sure."

"That's true." When Kate turned to the door, where the voice was coming from, she was taken aback.

Here stood a man, not much older than she, who held himself with a confidence she couldn't grasp. He didn't seem cocky, just sure of himself. He knew who he was and that made her stomach flutter nervously.

"You haven't met my daughter. Katherine this is Richard. Richard is assisting me on this case."

"Nice to meet you." Kate's hand stuck out like the elephant in the room and the unreturned shake sent her arm sliding back into her leather jacket. Sore subject is when she gets someone wrong. She read him as confident not jackass but, people aren't perfect.

"I hope you did a good job by my standards." Richard was all hard ball. He had no room for mistakes or petty meet and greets. His job was everything because he had so little elsewhere.

Kate stood awkwardly unable to defend herself after such a blatant blow. But unbeknownst to this Richard fellow, Johanna was all guns blazing.

"Don't doubt my daughter's abilities. You have no idea who you've just met. The top detective of the NYPD. So Mr. Castle with all due respect, she about tied this up with a pretty little bow."

Kate shaking her head, pulled her mom out of the office, leaving her vanilla musk scent trailing after her. "Mom, I thank you for defending me but you don't have to. I am a big girl and I can handle myself."

"I know you can but I don't know who he thinks he is talking to like that."

Kate hugged her mom and being the more mature out of the two went back to reconcile with Richard.

"Sorry about that. My mom is very protective of me." She pushed back some stray hairs and leaned in the doorframe.

"No worries. I notice that some things are missing." Richard set aside some boxes as if they didn't carry any weight to them.

"Yeah, well I wanted to go over them another time with fresh eyes. You can have them tomorrow if you don't mind the wait."

He turned to face her, making sure she knew she had his full attention. "If you don't mind, I would like to pour over them tonight. Mind if I join you and your lovely eyes?"

The redness in Kate's cheeks were evident. She was caught red faced and decided to fess up. "Sure. I was heading back now if you want a lift."

"That would be great. Let me get my coat."

After Richard left, Kate took a deep breath. Her light brown hair was pulled into a messy late night braid but she didn't bother combing it out. Why try to impress him? She is only there to help with the trial. So why does she care? Her golden brown eyes seemed to find anywhere else to look than at his absence. Standing poised, sure of herself now, she ignored her instant attraction and thought of all the victims who lay in the boxes.

Eddie Vanero had claimed the lives of ten women. Solid proof and enough evidence and there was no refuting this case. But trust the system and someone who believes their client is innocent and you never have a solid case. Any discrepancies can take down a tower. So her job was to find the murderer and build a solid case for the DA. And that's how she found herself here.

Johanna Beckett is the DA, District Attorney, for New York City. And Richard Castle is the ADA, Assistant District Attorney, and they rarely work the same case. But fate plays a role in this story so please strap in and open your hearts to the possibility of true love.

"So, you always work so late?" Kate tried making small talk on the way back to the precinct but trailing lightly around Richard was difficult. Better to play things safe and close to the vest. Kate has a hard job that not many can deal with so keeping emotions in check is critical but sometimes she forgets to turn the switch back on.

"Yes. You?" He turned in the passenger seat to get a better eye on her.

"A detective's job is never done. But, if I may ask, why must you have a look tonight?"

The pause he gave could be felt for miles and when he finally did speak it felt like hours had passed. "I am usually busy with other things, the sooner the better."

"I can get that." Kate pulled into the parking lot and strode into the precinct with Richard matching her every step.

An hour later, pouring over the information, she had placed together, Richard and Kate read every word as if this was the case of the century.

"I have never met someone so dedicated to their craft as me." Richard set down the file he was reading and picked up a spring roll.

"Neither have I. It's refreshing."

"Agreed. So why this?" He held out his hands to signal the conference room they were occupying.

"Why not this?" Kate gave a light smile still guarding herself.

"Well, what drives you to do what you do? I mean someone as smart as you…" The weird look Kate gave him made him explain further. "Your mom made it a point for me to know just how smart you are. She speaks of you very highly to everyone. I am no exception."

"Yeah, well, that's my mom." She laughed and pushed on. "I have always had the need for justice or so my mom tells me. She wanted me to be a lawyer actually but, I don't know, I like this side a lot more. I get to help people find peace. That is what drives me. When I was little, seven, I got lost in the park and I couldn't find my mom. I was not so much scared as I was tired. I actually fell asleep. A Detective Faley found me and brought me back to my mom. Finding me brought peace to my mom. I want to do that for others who, their loved ones can't just be returned. I just like things to be closed. No unanswered questions. For peace to be peaceful, I guess."

He stared her up and down as if he was trying to size her up. "My father was screwed by the justice system so I decided that I would do everything in my power to fix what was wrong. So I get your drive and your passion. It's inspiring."

"Thank you. Sorry about your dad not getting the justice he deserved. I think you can fix what is wrong. You have the drive that pushes you to go another day, I can see it. I believe in you." She smiled at him and the heat and attraction returned to her cheeks for all to see. She couldn't and shouldn't deny herself the company of a good man but he was still a mystery to her and she decided not to play her cards if there wasn't a fair game.

"Well, I think I have worn out my welcome. I'll get a cab back to the office. Thank you Detective Beckett for allowing me to read over your shoulder." He held out his hand as he stood and the memory of her hand out like that flashed into her head.

When she returned his shake he seemed surprised. "Anytime. I'll give you a lift, besides I am done with these so you can have them."

"Much appreciated."

"I can take them for you, they are mine now." Richard held out his arms to take the boxes from Kate but she refused. "Ok, be strong willed. I don't mind at all." He laughed but followed her after leading her to his office.

"I have never seen the offices after dark. It's eerie. You choose to stay here?"

"I like the peace and quiet, besides there isn't much awaiting me when I get home."

She set down the boxes and her eyes found him in the dark of the room. The stare they shared deepened into the room like water sliding into every nook and cranny it could possibly find.

"Detective…"

"Kate. Call me Kate."

"Kate, call me Rick." He stepped closer and paused in front of her. "I had fun." He laughed as if he was unsure of his own statement. "Well, it was nice meeting and working with you."

"Same." She smiled and he joined her.

"So… see you at the trial?"

"I wouldn't miss it. People like Eddie think they're untouchable but they're not safe from me."

"Whoa, calm down. Trust me, he is going away for such a long time he will forget what year it is." Rick wanted to console her but he could tell she didn't need a shoulder, no, what she needed was for someone to keep Eddie locked away and he wanted to do that. He wanted justice, not just for him but for her also.

"Sorry. When I want something I believe in making it happen."

"Good to know."

"I like to think so. So, see you soon?" She gave him a coy smile and made a non-descript dash for the door.

"Yes."


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2 Trial By Fire

"Kate. This case is like no other. No need to worry. Ok?" Johanna rubbed her daughter's back before walking into the courtroom.

"Mom, this is personal. You know why."

"Sweetheart, Richard knows what he is doing."

All Kate could seem to do was watch every slight move Rick made. Whether it was getting a sip of water or organizing papers, her eyes were locked on him like a sniper's on their target. When he made the slight move to let her know he was going to ask their witness some questions, she felt her stomach drop. This was her witness. The one she gathered.

"Ms. Potter, do you like to walk?"

"Yes." Sophia Potter clasped her hands in her lap and did her best to stare right at Richard Castle. She did her best to hide the nerves that were clearly present to Kate.

"Were you out walking October 5th at 7:30 P.M.?"

"Yes. I like to walk after dinner. To burn off what I ate you know?"

"Yeah. I get that. Exercise is good. But we aren't here to talk about your hobbies now are we? No. We want to know what you saw when you went out walking that night. Could you tell us?"

Kate prepared herself for what Sophia was about to explain. She closed her eyes and gave way to her ears.

"Yes. I saw a man dragging a girl into an alley."

"Can you describe exactly what you saw?"

"I wanted to keep going but I had to make sure if the girl was alright. So I paused at the corner and made sure they couldn't see me. But he had his hand over her mouth so she couldn't call for help. Then he pulled out a knife and stabbed her in her chest. Then he just kept stabbing her and stabbing her. Then he dropped the knife next to her and kissed her. He left after that and so did I. I ran back home to call for help."

"But it was too late. Because she was already dead. Did you see what the man looked like and could you tell us?"

"It was him." Sophia's right index finger pointed right at Eddie.

When Kate turned to look at him she saw him smile, like he was proud of what he had done. The sight sent her into a tunnel of when she found the girl they were referring to.

When Kate walked on the scene she did what she has always done, calmed herself so she could give herself over to the victim. When the white sheet was drawn back, Kate gasped at the horror that was once her friend, Ava Adams. Another detective, with whom Kate works with, came over to her.

"Beckett, you alright? You don't look so good." Detective Esposito tried to coax her away but Kate wouldn't have it.

"Just bad dinner last night. Doesn't mix well. No, I am fine."

But she wasn't fine. Ava Adams was like the younger sister she never got to have. When she first met Ava, she let her judgment cloud her thinking. But, when she was finally forced to have words, seeing they lived in the same building, Kate became very fond of her. And now seeing her like this, was almost to much to bare. But she knew if her Cap found out this case was personal she might get taken off it and she couldn't afford that. Her friend needed her now more than ever.

Before Kate even realized, Rick was giving his closing statement. Kate was so far back into time with Ava, that she completely missed the entire trial. All the witnesses, the questions, the closing arguments had already happened. The jury was just getting excused.

She searched for Richard and he caught her looking. She made a dash out of the courtroom and onto the courtroom steps. Sitting far off to the right, at the bottom of the steps, she leaned back and listened to the sounds of the city. She urged herself not to cry.

"Got out of there pretty fast. You alright?" Rick was standing over her.

"Just needed some fresh air. Thanks."

"For what? I haven't won yet." He joined her on the steps.

"For checking on me. But, I can handle myself."

"I'm sure you can. I actually came out for fresh air myself. Kind of pointless right?"

Kate laughed when he pointed to a big cloud of diesel fumes.

"So, we'll win."

"Are you trying to reassure me or you? I don't need reassuring, trust me, I know how good I am." Rick drew a big smug smile on his face and leaned back further.

Just when Kate thought he might not just be a big smug asshole and he might actually be very sweet and thoughtful, he reassured her sometimes first impressions are the only ones that are true.

"Well, I am headed back in. Come see my victory?" He stood up and waited for her.

"Don't you mean see justice getting served?"

"Well, that too. So?"

"Go ahead without me."

Rick shrugged and headed up the steps without her. The last thing she wanted was for people to assume she was in any way connected with him. A deep breath later, Kate climbed the steps and headed into the courtroom. She sat down in the back, out of view, especially out of Rick's view.

"The record may show the jury has reached a verdict. Mr. Wills how do you find the Defendant?"

Kate leaned over to see the foreman stand up.

"As to the Count one, Cynthia Peters, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count two, the killing of Martha Wash, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count three, the killing of Caroline Marsh, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count four the killing of Madeline Hunter, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count five, the killing of Amelia Will, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count six, the killing of Rebecca Temp, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count seven, the killing of Alexandria Roberts, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count eight, the killing of Pia Creole, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. As to Count nine, the killing of Rachelle Marter, the jury finds the Defendant guilty of first degree murder. And to Count ten, the killing of Ava Adams, the jury finds the defendant guilty of first degree murder."

That was what Kate was waiting to hear. As soon as she heard justice ring for her friend, she escaped with little notice.

Back at her mom's apartment, Kate cuddled up to her favorite pillow on the worn sofa.

"Honey, you should have stayed, I could have given you a lift."

"No, I just needed to leave."

"You two were pretty close, I know. You should be happy you brought her killer to justice. And you brought peace to her parents. Isn't that why you do it?"

Kate turned to face her mom. "Yes. I know I should be happy about the verdict but why doesn't it feel like it's enough?" Tears slowly slid from her eyes and landed on the red, plush pillow.

"Because sweety, she was your friend. Getting justice doesn't replace the lost you feel. It's hard when you lose someone. When I lost your father…"

"Mom, I don't want to talk about dad. You know that." Kate's tears stopped and anger slowly rose to the surface, creating that distance she fought so hard not to have with her mother.

"But Katie,"

"No. you have no right calling me that. Only dad can."

"Kate, it's ok to talk about him. I lost him too."

Kate stood up off the couch saying hell to the distance. "No it's not. I was closer to him. I understood him and he understood me in a way you never will. So don't try now." She stormed off.

"Kathryn, you come back right now. Don't leave."

"You mean like you did?" Kate closed the door behind her and took the stairs two at a time, getting as far away as she could from her mother.

She know her mother meant well but, Kate's dad is the sorest subject and the reason why there is a distance from her mom.

Back at his apartment, Richard was lounging on his deep, brown couch and drinking a beer when he got a call. He didn't get many and when he did they were either about a case he was working or worse.

"Yes, I'll accept the charges."

"Hey, Rick, can you come get me?" Alexis's words were slurred, no different from the other times she has called for him to bail her out.

"Where are you?"

"Some jail. Uh, can you get me?"

"Put the officer on, please."

"Yes. This is Officer Damon at the 3rd Precinct over on West 20th Street."

"Yeah. I know where that is, I'm coming."

"God Alexis, what was is this time?" Richard threw down his jacket and pivoted to turn to his barely standing sister.

"Geez, I messed up, it won't happen again. Can I just sleep, I am really tired." She made her way to his couch and threw herself onto it.

"No. We need to talk about this now. I am sick of always picking you up, you know mom and dad would not be happy. Do you know…" He kneeled down next to Alexis on the couch and realized she had already passed out.

"Fine, we'll talk in the morning. I love you." He kissed her on her head and covered her with a blanket.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3 Anchors

Family is the anchor that holds us. When you lose a family member, the anchor loses a chain. How many chains can break for the anchor to still survive. Kate's anchor was breaking. Who will help hold it together?

"Alexis? Are you up yet?" Richard's voice rang through his small apartment. When he finally emerged fully into, what was everything but a bathroom and his bedroom, his whole apartment, there was no trace of her.

"Son of a…" Rick picked up his ringing phone with more annoyance in his voice than when he picks up Alexis's calls. "What?"

"Um… Mr. Castle, Daniel wants to speak to you and he says it's urgent. And that if you can get into work earlier today that, that would be most helpful."

"Martha?"

"Yes?"

"He didn't say it so nicely did he?"

"Not really sir but you know me, make a negative into a positive."

"Tell him not to worry. Nothing here is stopping me."

Richard looked around his apartment one more time before shaking his head in both loss and disgust. What was he going to do about Alexis? He had to set that aside and worry about his job. So his anchor slowly sunk.

"Well?" Kate swiveled back and forth on a chair in the ME's office.

"Well what? I don't kiss and tell. Well maybe I will this time."

"Lanie, you always do. Just spill, I know you want to."

"I do but first, what's with you? You seem down. More down than usual."

"Than usual?"

"Ignore that. What has you snapping?" Lanie set down her report and gave Kate her full attention.

"My mother. Happy? Now spill!"

"Kate, your mom only tries to help. Have you ever told her how badly she hurt you? No. So how is she supposed to fix the problem if you haven't even told her there is a problem?"

"She was the one who left. The one who left me and my dad to start new. She wanted to be in Washington so bad she forgot to remember about the family she was willing to leave behind. So no. I won't tell her there is a problem, she should already know. She created it." Kate continued to swivel and watch Lanie fill in her report.

"Sweety, as your best friend,"

"Only friend."

"Still, talk to her. Try. You may feel better."

"Lanie, I know you are only trying to help but, I can't. I will apologize and pretend it never happened, it's works better that way."

"Well here, since you weren't paying attention when I read it to you, you're going to have to read it for yourself." Lanie handed Kate her report on Mason Wells.

"Fine." She got up from the chair and left it swiveling behind her.

"So, Espo, get the phone records?" Kate was perched at her desk leaning towards her white board.

"Just got them. No suspicious calls until about two weeks ago. Calls going out and in to the same number multiple times a day." He handed her the file so she could look for herself.

"Find out who this number belongs to."

"On it."

"Kevin? Anything in his place?"

"Nothing sticking out except there wasn't much to look at."

"What do you mean?" She stood off her desk to get a better angle on Detective Ryan.

"His apartment was scarce. The guy had little furniture and not many personal belongings. It was like someone was just trying to move in."

"Maybe he didn't have much. He was single, maybe he kept to himself. Talk to any of the neighbors?"

"Didn't bother. Not many people live there."

Kate moved to grab her badge and jacket. "Well I want to take a look for myself and talk to them anyway. Come with?"

Clearly hurt, Kevin shook his head no. "I have tons of security footage to sort through. Go ahead."

"Alright. Later."

Back at Mason Wells apartment, Kate didn't like the fact that she would be disturbing someone else's place. But she knew something in here might be pertinent to the case, so she pushed on.

The walls were a vibrant orange and red mix. Everywhere she stepped she felt she was the first person to walk into this place. She moved around the folding chairs stacked next to the closet and moved further into Mason Wells' place. The kitchen had only a toaster and microwave on the counter.

"At least you were clean." She looked in the fridge and found fruit of every kind. When she opened the freezer, a frozen meal fell out. She shoved it back in best she could, then, proceeded with the rest of the area.

She turned a corner and saw a narrow hallway, which she assumed led to his bedroom and bathroom. She passed the small cube T.V. that nestled on a wooden stool and walked down the hallway.

To the left was a small linen closet that held about three towels. "Definitely single." She closed the closet and came upon the next door which was a bathroom. She perused the medicine cabinet but there was nothing there except some headache relief pills and couch syrup.

The last door to enter was straight down the hall. It was at the end of the hallway. She stood in front of his door and slowly slid it open.

There was nothing exciting or frightening about his room, but it was the sadness. She could tell he kept to himself. Probably a loner and didn't have much to live on. The full bed occupied most of the space and the lonely dresser stood oddly in the corner. She made her way around the bed, but hitting her knees along the end, just to get through.

"I bet the investigators had a fun time searching." She finally reached the dresser and pulled out some drawers. The same old same old. Some shirts, pants, boxers, and socks. She was about to close the last drawer when something in the back corner of the drawer caught her attention. She got down, which wasn't easy, and pulled the drawer completely out. She stood up with the drawer and dumped its contents on the bed.

Once emptied, she flipped the drawer back over and pulled at the tab in the corner and there hidden was a flash drive and a manila envelope. "What could you possibly have to hide? Why was it hidden so well?"

Just when she started thinking things out, she heard a noise. It came from what she perceived to be the kitchen. There weren't that many spaces to be. His whole apartment was one. She quickly slid the flash drive in her pocket and the manila envelope in the back of her waistband of her jeans. She slid her Sig Sauer out of her holster and slowly pivoted out of the bedroom, which still wasn't easy, all while trying to not alert whoever was in there that they were not alone. She eased herself into the corner of the doorframe for at least some coverage.

She could hear cussas being opened and slammed shut, drawers being pulled apart and dumped. She knew what they were looking for was what she has secured safely on her person. She slowly crept out of the room and continued to shield herself, gun aimed, as she slid along the walls.

The man was in her aim but if she shot, he would be of no help. She approached closer to his back view and then was struck. Someone else was with the man. Another man joined in the kitchen. They were built almost like professionals. As she was about to announce herself they broke out into a conversation in another language.

"Wahrscheinlich will der Drückeberger uns verarschen!" (Clearly the weasel is trying to screw us over)

"Geduld. Die Akte muss hier irgendwo sein. So klug ist er auch nicht." (Patience, the file has to be here somewhere. He isn't too smart.)

"Warte nur bis Aldagar ihn findet. Denkt der sich, er kann sich vor der Arbeit drücken und sie los werden! Der wird sich schon noch wundern.." (Just wait to Aldagar gets ahold of him. Thinking he can steal his work and try to break free of it. He has something else coming.)

When they realized they were making no progress, the one who was balding picked up his phone but left to take it outside. The other man more tall in stature seemed to be the second in command to this Aldagar. He blew the other guy off as if he was just babysitting. He turned to the hallway and that's when she slid behind the slight molding off the entrance. Just as he was approaching, surely inches away, the other man walked in and demanded for him to join him.

"Wir haben den Rest noch nicht überprüft.." (We haven't checked the rest. )

"Nicht notwendig. Aldagar hat wichtigere Aufgaben für uns. Komm jetzt. Sie ist nicht hier. Er hat sich wahrscheinlich alles nur ausgedachtt." (No need. Aldagar has more important things for us to do. Come now. It isn't here. He probably made the whole thing up.)

The man preceded to come closer to where Kate was barely hiding, ignoring the demands to leave.

"Hey, was machst du da? Geh einfach. Los jetzt." (Wait, what are you doing? Just leave. Come on.)

The man must have agreed because he up and left. Kate waited for the door to shut before moving from her hiding spot. She released a deep breath and a sigh of relief.

"What were they talking about?" She pulled out the envelope and flash drive and held them in her hands. "What could be so important for you to hide these? Is this what got you killed? Mason Wells, I have a feeling you had no idea what you got yourself into. But I will sure find out."

She slid the flash drive back into her pocket and slid the envelope in her front waistband and zipped her leather jacket over it. She made sure she left no mess then got out of that apartment as fast as her feet allowed.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4 All Too Well

Kate was running down a dark corridor. Then she spun on her heels and turned down into a tunnel. As she descended further into the tunnel, the tunnel seemed to becoming narrower. She felt for sure she was reaching a dead end. The footsteps behind her were quickening, they were not far from her. Her heart raced as she tried to quicken her pace. She was surely running out of breath and she knew it was false hope she'd make it out alive. The tunnel light went out and she halted. If she kept going who knew what she would come fact to face with?

The click of a gun sent her turning around, and as she did, the gun went off.

Kate bolted upright in bed and threw the sheets off her. She walked into her bathroom and splashed cold water from the faucet on her face. She looked in the mirror, at the horror, of her hair all strewn about, no doubt due to her nightmare. Her eyes had little color to them and the circles were very evident. Sweat beads seemed to drip down every inch of her slender body.

Not being able to get back to a peaceful rest or any rest for that matter, she slid on a sweatshirt over her damp tank top and slid on a pair of yoga pants. She ran her fingers through her hair and pulled it back into a messy braid. She slid on her tennis shoes and grabbed her badge, and phone.

"Heading out detective?" Henry, the night guard tipped his hat like he always did when he saw Beckett.

"Just to clear my head."

"Be safe." He smiled a big toothy grin and she already felt a little lighter.

"Always am." Kate waved goodbye and headed to her favorite coffee shop, which to her luck, was open 24 hours.

She slid into a booth and ordered her cup and let it warm her hands. She couldn't seem to shake the dream, especially with what had happened with the Germans. The flash drive was all encrypted and the Techs were on it ever since she delivered it to them yesterday. The manila envelope held nothing but pictures, with people whose identities were still being run down. With nothing else to go on then a number that was only connected to a burner phone and an autopsy, her case was on hold.

Just as she took her first sip, she heard a familiar voice walk in.

"Hey Kathy, one cup please." She didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

Of all the places in New York, Richard Castle happened to be at the same coffee shop as Beckett. The annoyance struck her and for a moment she forgot about the struggles of her case. She did her best to go about as if she didn't even know he was there but, he had a good eye.

"Kate? Is that you?"

Knowing she would only be rude to ignore him, she turned around in her booth to face him.

"What a small world. It is you. Mind if I join you?" But before she had a chance to answer, he was already making his way to slide in across from her.

"Not such a small world. Just very coincidental." She took a sip of her coffee and nonchalantly rolled her eyes.

"Why do you look like you just pulled an unhealthy all nighter?"

Taken back by his abruptness she choked on her coffee.

"Wait, I didn't mean to offend you, it's just you look wiped. Like you need refueling. That's all."

"A hard case."

"Sorry. But it looks like more than that is getting to you. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. No offense." She took another long sip of her coffee, trying not to encourage the conversation to continue.

"Understandable. Aren't you going to ask me why I am up so late?" He seemed too eager for her. Considering how early it was in the morning, she figured he was one of those annoying morning people.

"Wasn't planning on it. But if it is important to you, I will. Why are you up so late, Rick?"

"Why Kate, how thoughtful." She rolled her eyes and he continued. "I actually have been getting some pressure at work."

Now she was actually interested. She leaned in to let him know so. "What kind of pressure?"

"Well to actually take on less cases."

"Why would they ask that of an ADA? They should be doing the opposite."

"See, that's what I thought but, for some reason they think I put too much on my plate. They just don't realize I am that much of a go-getter."

Every time she thought he was getting to a level playing ground he troops right back up to arrogant jackass.

"Do you put too much on your plate?" Her coffee was empty and she signaled for a refill.

"Food wise, maybe. Work wise, I couldn't."

"Well a lot of people can become overwhelmed there is no shame in that."

"Are you a person who gets overwhelmed?"

She didn't like the way he portrayed that as a weakness. She was willing to be honest but not if he was going to penalize her for it. "A high pressure job can get to some but you have to know how to separate yourself from work and your personal life."

"Are you good at separating yourself?"

She was unsure of what his motive for questioning her like this was for. In fact it made her a little uneasy. He was just a man she happened to work a case with that didn't imply they would be pals. Sure she was attracted to him but his arrogance ruined any affection she could give him.

"I don't see how it is relevant."

"We aren't working a case. It was just a question." He realized he was upsetting her and that was his last intention.

"Look, it's late, well actually early and I have to be at work so, I am gonna go." She took out some money but he flagged it away.

"No. Let me." The smile he gave her made her pride make an appearance. She didn't want him thinking he was better than her.

"No. I got it." She put down the money and left. Making her way back to her apartment she heard the footsteps trailing her. She couldn't seem to shake him.

"Kate! Kate!" She made no attempt to stop for him.

When he finally caught up, a little winded, he pulled on her arm for her to stop.

"What?!"

"I just didn't want to leave it with you being angry at me."

She turned to stand directly in front of him. "What gave you the impression that I was angry at you?" She crossed her arms against her chest.

"Well, first, you didn't stop when I called your name. Two the face you're giving me right now doesn't help your case. And third your arms are crossed which is a defensive move. That help?"

She lowered her arms and let out a slow breath.

"Now I get the feeling you think I am an asshole. Am I right?"

She didn't answer him which only helped him continue.

"Well coming from your lack of response, I will take that as a yes. Ok. Look, I do that sometimes."

"Do what?"

"Act like a pretentious jerk." He fluffed his hair and stared into her eyes. "I'm sorry, I just do it without realizing it."

"Apology accepted but I don't see why you need my acceptance."

"I want you to like me. Is that so wrong?"

For the first time since she has met him, she felt he was actually not such a bad guy. Sure, he had first impression issues, and well second and third ones too but he was willing to keep trying and that was alright in her book.

"No. I guess not." She laughed and smiled back up at him.

"You don't have to answer but, have you ever been hurt really bad and you try to not let it get to you, but sometimes you can't escape it?"

Kate knew that feeling and was surprised to find he did too. It wasn't just an upsetting experience he was talking about, something seriously tragic happened to him. Feeling connected, she let her guard down.

"Yes."

"See, that's why I want you to like me, I think we have some things in common. I feel connected to you, you know what I mean?"

She did. She actually just felt that way. "Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Being seriously pained, I know it all too well."

"What would you say if I asked you to lunch?"

"I don't know."

"What?"

"Well, you haven't asked me." She smiled and felt butterflies. She enjoyed flirting with him. And realizing that she just might have been right about him, didn't hurt.

"Good point. Well, Kate, would you like to have lunch with me?"

Knowing she was opening herself up, she agreed. "Sure."

"Tomorrow? Here?"

"Sure. Sounds good."

"Ok. Well go get that sleep you've been missing."

"You too." She nodded and left him to head back to her apartment. As much as she wanted to look back to see if he was watching her, she didn't let on to how much he intrigued her.

He continued to watch her until she took a different street. He knew he took a big step asking her out. He didn't want to let her know that the reason he acted that way was to keep others away. He was scared she would find out how messed up his situation was. He couldn't let onto any insecurity because the last thing he wanted to think of him as was being insecure in any way. He's tried the honesty path and he knew the bad outcome all too well.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5 No News Is Bad News

"Anything new on the flash drive?" Kate leaned back in her chair.

"Was the guy some kind of computer genius?" Kenny was the tech guy Kate preferred to work with. He was the best.

"No. He worked as a valet. Why?"

"Well there are so many codes threaded in I can't even get a peek unless I rush. And before you say to go ahead rush it, I can't. if I even tried, I risk losing it all. Whatever it is. I have no idea."

"Any idea on file size. Maybe that would help."

"Honestly, I am completely at a loss. It's like he wrote his own program for it."

"Weird. Based on the sweep of his apartment, there was no sign of a computer."

"Huh."

"Well, thanks Kenny. I trust you."

"Yeah. No problem. Anytime Detective Beckett."

After hanging up, she decided to check in with Detective Ryan. "Hey, Kev. Get anywhere with the footage?"

"Nothing but, he left at 10:00 A.M. and never returned back to his apartment. I'm still trying to get another view of where he was going."

"Well, 10? That was only a half hour before he died. He couldn't have gotten very far."

"Well, I'm on it."

"Thanks. You're the best."

Back at her desk, she faced her board puzzled at what she barely knew.

"Mason Wells, 27 years old. No living relatives, no girlfriend or boyfriend. Stayed at home most of the time. Didn't have a big income. A valet. Not much of a social life. No computer. Not too many calls except those constant calls from an untraceable number. Didn't talk to neighbors, some didn't even know he was living there. But he gets involved in something over his head. He must have had access to a computer to encrypt that flash drive. Germans, unidentified, as of now, professionals. And this mysterious Aldagar."

Kate went and sat down at her computer to check if there were any hits on the sketches of the Germans. Coming up empty, she was frustrated. She popped a candy in her mouth and leaned back and closed her eyes. Whenever she was blocked, on anything, it didn't have to be a case, she thought back to what her father told her. "Katie, road blocks are just another adventure in your life. Never give up Katie Kat." The memory of her father stung her and dried her out. She tried not to think about him when she was around other people. She refused to cry in public, she was stronger than that. That's what her armor was there for. But she had a problem taking it off.

"If you can't do as I say, then, well, go."

Richard stood up and threw a file on his boss's desk. The _thud _sound it made when it landed made Daniel Fisher sit upright.

"So you did it? Then why complain?" He leaned back in his chair clearly not caring about anyone but himself.

"Principle. I am good. Stop road blocking me so your niece can step in."

"Whoa. Richard, is that what you think I am doing to you? If so, you are clearly mistaken."

Richard had nothing nice to say, so he left the room. For two reasons: one, he could say something he couldn't take back and two, he could get fired.

When he finally settled in his office, he lifted the first file that was on the stack on his desk and popped it open. Fountain pen in hand and memo pad next to him, he preceeded to take notes. But while Richard was heavy in his case, the clock continued ticking away.

Kate sat at the diner in the same booth they occupied the morning before. She waited five minutes and decided it was ok to order a coffee. She was actually excited and a little nervous. She was taking a chance and that was a huge step for her. Especially, when she really cares for someone. Her instinct is to push away but not this time. So she continued to wait and sip her coffee. Two coffees later, twenty minutes has gone by. She only has ten more minutes for a break before heading back to interview the neighbors. She felt there was more there.

She put faith in him. She believed him. She opened herself up and let her armor down, and here she sat, like a fool. She knew he was no good, so much for seeing the good in people. He was down right trouble.

"I can't believe I fell for that speech. I bet he has said that to many women. I was just another fun time. Well, the joke is on me."

Kate paid for her coffee and grabbed a sandwich to go. As she made her way back to the precinct, she felt flushed. Like she was drained. But her natural reaction is to not cry. So she stuffed her pain back down where it could lie and not be disturbed.

"You sure?"

"Geez, how many times are you going to ask me the same question?"

"Until I get answers." Kate stood her ground.

"Ok. I let him use my computer once. It was only the one time, but he was like there for hours. Whatever he did, I didn't ask."

"Thank you. Oh, and by the way, your computer is now evidence."

"I can't lose my computer." The elderly man was hunched over his walker. You could tell he lived his life. He was strong but worn out. Life took a toll on him. "My granddaughter uses it to talk to me. She's back in Utah. My son-in-law's job was transferred. I need to talk to her."

"Mr. Baxton, don't worry. We just need to check what he did."

"Thank you."

"No. Thank you."

"So?" Kate was leaning over Kenny.

"I might be able to figure out his sequencing and open it that way."

"Like work backwards?"

"Exactly."

"Thanks Kenny. You're the man." She patted him on his shoulder and left him to do what he does best.

When she left Kenny, she realized, once again, she was dry. Not getting anywhere and knowing she would get frustrated she headed on home.

"You leaving?" Detective Esposito came by her desk.

"Yeah. Need a break. You good?"

"Yeah. I got you."

"Thanks Espo." She picked up her jacket and left the pressure of the case behind her.

Back at her apartment, in a nightshirt, she poured herself a glass of wine. The hurt Richard brought to her, crawled its way back up. So, to calm her nerves and drown him out, she picked up her guitar and played.

She played songs she wrote and just played with melodies. Then a song she had written with her dad, flashed back in mind. And she sang it with a heavy heart.

"Sweet days go by, and you're still there. Playing with the grass, lilies in your hair. Purple sundresses and bows of innocence, will carry always like the wind. Teaching lessons, and scraping along. Life is always just one unfinished song. So play till the world changes, play till there are no more ways to say I love you. Little one don't you change, please hold all that once was you and me. Lilies in your hair and sweet innocence, people will try to take it from you. But please still play in the grass and every now in then wear a sundress. So we'll play till the world changes, I'll play till there are no more ways to say I love you. I'll play this song for you."

She set down her guitar and abandoned her wine, and crawled into bed.

"There are no more monsters Katie Kat."

When her phone buzzed, it woke her. She read the display and it was a text. The name at the top was more than enough of a reason to ignore it.

Richard,

Time got swept away. Please let me make it up to you. I don't believe in coincidences.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: The song that she is singing, was actually wrote by the real author.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6 Shall We Dance?

When Kate woke the next morning, her hand hit her phone. "That's weird." She picked it up and noticed it was left on. The little battery in the top right corner blinked empty. But before it shut off on her, she noticed the text she ignored the night before.

**_Richard,_**

**_Time got swept away. Please let me make it up to you. I don't believe in coincidences._**

"Sure it did. Too bad I waited like an idiot." She turned off her phone and plugged it into the charger on the night table next to her bed. It wouldn't be enough to get her through the day but it would help until she plugged it back in, in her car.

Once showered and dressed she grabbed her usuals and headed to her car. She decided to stop and see Kenny before heading to her desk.

"Well, Kenny, anything new I hope?" She slid her keys into her pocket and pulled up a chair.

"You know Detective Beckett I do have a life. I don't spend every minute on this case."

She eyed him suspiciously.

"However, I do love computers. So, I am happy to report that I discovered a discrepancy in his code."

"Lamens terms please."

"I can get in." He smiled, pleased that his work was of a big help.

"Kenny, see this is why I go to you. You're simply the best. Keep me posted."

"Like I wouldn't."

She smiled as did he as she let the door close behind her.

Back at her desk, when she heard her monitor beep, her heart did the same. She pulled up the blinking attachment and smiled. A break is just what she needed.

There was a match on her sketch of the Germans, but only on the one. It wasn't the man that was mere inches from catching her but the shorter one who clearly was not running the operation.

"Niclas Amsel. Thirty-five. With priors. Assault and battery. Breaking and entering. What's a guy like this working with that other guy. Surely, he is far more of a screw up."

Kate didn't even notice when Detective Esposito pulled up along side her.

"Are you talking to yourself?"

"Uh, what?" She was clearly startled which only made him smile with pride that he was able to do so.

"You only talk aloud when you got a break. So what is it?"

"Match on my sketch."

He leaned closer until she turned the monitor to him. Having someone that close to her only reminded her that she had let her guard down and that just ended up biting her in her ass.

"Why did it take so long?"

"See, I was thinking that too. So I was about to check it." Once he made it clear he was along for the ride, they both dove into why he had not come up sooner.

Like a light bulb had dimmed in her head, the computer was more than happy to shine. "How come I didn't see this before. Under protection? For what?"

Esposito laughed and she didn't need to look to understand why. She was talking to her self again.

"For some big bust. Why they icing us out like that though?"

"Thinking the same."

Esposito nodded to her. "Let me get this. Kay?"

Even though it was her first solid break that she wanted to tackle, she couldn't deny him of bringing down the hammer. He was more fired up than he had been so with a slight nod of approval, she surrendered.

Once again, she felt blocked. The worst feeling was that she couldn't separate herself from her personal sadness and her work sadness. They were determined to coexist. That only made her more frustrated at herself above all.

Her fingers were drumming her desk when she got another text. This one, she was eager to answer.

**_Mom,_**

Sweetheart. I'm sorry. Lunch?

With a slightly guilty conscience, she replied back with a simple yes.

"I am glad you came." Johanna Beckett sat poised, a secret Kate knew because she did the same.

Her mom was worried and was guarding herself. The thought pleased her and saddened her.

"I should be apologizing. Mom, I had no right. I just have been upset lately and well, naturally I took it out on you."

"Your dad was the one who was forced to deal with that. I can't take back what I have done but I am here trying to make up for it. Honey, I love you so much and clearly I never made that evident through those years but I am sorry for what I dragged you through. And when I bring him up I just, well, we know what I do. You do the same."

Kate took a bite of her salad then pushed around some tomatoes with her fork before looking her mother in the eye.

"Mom. I, uh, dad and I we had this thing. I wouldn't call it a bond it was more solid ground. A foundation. You rocked it and you're right you did what you did and that's past and I can't keep punishing you like that. I guess I blame you for him being gone. It's not your fault. I was upset about my case amongst other things and I lashed out at you. Dad never did find a way to deal with that. Even though he loved me, I knew it did hurt him when I did that. I guess I am sill hurting people." She nodded to her mother who reached across the table and lightly squeezed Kate's hand.

"Sweetheart. We fought like mothers and daughters do. But I never stopped loving your father. I was selfish. I was wrong. I neglected you and your father. I,"

"Mom, stop there. I was no child."

"Yes you were. Honey you were only twelve. Given you were always more mature than your age, you were still a child, my child." A lonely tear slid down Johanna's face and she made no move to dismiss it.

Now it was Kate's turn to shed some tears. Once her eyes could not hold them back anymore, tears slid down Kate's cheeks and slowly slid down her lips till she licked them away. She removed her hand from her fork and swiped at her tears, hating the fact that they showed face in public.

"So, I guess we are both messed up." Kate allowed herself to laugh, which was a nice reprieve from being sad or angry.

"I guess so. What a pair."

Kate's face grew serious. Johanna took notice. "Honey? What's wrong?"

"What did you say?" Kate leaned forward to make sure her mind wasn't playing tricks on her.

"What's wrong?"

"No. Before that."

"Just that we make quite a pair."

"That's it." Kate smiled and wiped her face with her napkin.

"Honey what's it?" Johanna was surely confused by what was happening. Clearly her daughter was a step ahead of her, which was no surprise, she usually was, but Johanna felt she wasn't going to catch up this time.

"I'll explain later. Dinner?"

"Sure." Just as she said it, Kate kissed her head and made a dash out of the restaurant.

"A pair."

"I'm sorry what?" Kenny was clearly confused by Kate and the fact that she was clearly happy about this, he strained to know what she was talking about.

"A pair."

"Yeah I got that."

"His code. You said that there was a discrepancy. That you could get in."

"Yeah and I am working on it."

"But why would there be a discrepancy? He went through all that trouble to make his own code and everything that why would he allow for there to be something missing?"

"Good point but I don't see how the pair thing fits in."

"Right. I am getting to that. He had to make sure someone else, with the same set of skills he possessed could get in."

"Ok. Yeah, like he had a partner."

"Exactly. A guy who works as a valet would not be working as a valet when he had these kind of skills."

"Unless, whatever skills he did possess could get him in trouble."

"Or someone else in trouble. Really Kenny, you are good at this Detective thing. Why didn't you try for it?"

"I'm flattered but you know me, I love my computers." He smiled as he rubbed his monitor.

"I want to know everyone he had in contact with. Customers. Employers. Coworkers. Mail personal, everyone. He was doing some shady work for someone and that might just be what got him killed. Everyone clear?"

The bullpen didn't need to answer with words, they all heard her and left to do what she had just asked them of.

Her head swiveled till she clocked Detective Ryan. "Ryan?"

"Already on footage." He headed off towards the conference room to pour over more footage with hopes of at least seeing who he might have met.

She smiled when she found Esposito flagging her over.

"What ya got?"

"Well, your Niclas Amsel was supposedly cooperating on a case but in return he wanted immunity. Turns out he was working for this Aldagar fellow we've been trying to take down for years."

"Yeah. Aldagar, they mentioned that name, I figured it was one of theirs. Who is he?"

"Some big butcher type who is running multiple rings. Corruption is one of this guy's friends. Rumored to have some pretty big names under his belt, that is why this was hush hush."

"Well not so hush hush, this guy Aldagar obviously suspected something but pinned it on Mason Wells. The question is: what was Mason doing for Aldagar and how did he cross paths with him in the first place?"

Kate was fired up and clearly choosing to ignore the growing curiosity that plagued her. _Why didn't Rick show up?, she thought._Pushing that aside and being more than happy to do so, she looked over Mason Wells autopsy again. There were no signs of putting up a fight but there were also no signs of poison which would explain for lack of fight but the tox screen came up negative on usuals which is why Lanie was running a wider panel.

She was pissed she had a lead and that it was taking time to get there but she was determined to not let it hinder her in the least. It wasn't pride that got in her way, she wasn't like that. It was the fact that she knew she could do it and that it would be a process, that is what bothered her. She was her own worst enemy more than the words allowed for.

She was just about to place a call to Kenny when her phone buzzed. Thinking it was news on the case her hands grasped for it a little too eagerly and she picked up.

"Hello?"

She stared at whose call she had just picked up. Richard.

"Hello?"

Knowing she can't just hang up now, she took a breath and answered. "Hello."

"Hey, I was worried when you didn't respond to my text. Did you get it?"

"Yeah." Her voice was harsh but she didn't feel bad in the least.

"Oh." You could hear he was a little hurt, but did he have a right to be? Not in Kate's eyes.

"Look, I am a little busy right now, so can I help you?" She leaned back in her chair, a maneuver she used in interrogation, to say "please, try to explain yourself now" .

"I am sorry but what I said was true. Time did get away from me. I was just thrown a bunch of new cases to look over and I just didn't pay better attention to the clock. Really, I should have but you must know what that is like, when work interferes against our own wishes."

She couldn't deny he was right, but she was winded. He did come across sincere and she couldn't be icy to him for too long before he moved on. She did NOT want that to happen.

"I do understand. Sorry."

"Ok. I apologize too. I also don't agree that there are coincidences. Point is, I called at the exact moment when you would be so desperate to answer your phone that you would do so without looking. Making way to the fact that you wouldn't have had a chance to ignore me. Am I right?"

She hated how exact he was and how he could somehow understand her without really knowing her.

"Ok. So?"

"So? I was wondering if you would give me another chance. I promise to give you the date I planned while also making up for the fact that I wasn't the reason it happened."

The silence she allowed herself to think also allowed herself to tease him a little.

"Uh? Kate?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Geez, Mr. Castle keep up. I said yes to your second chance."

"Right."

"I hope you pay better attention at work than this." She made sure her voice was playful so he didn't get the feeling he was being attacked.

"I pay better attention in person. See you tomorrow? Same time?"

He was clearly trying to sound alluring so she did the same. "Same booth? You didn't forget did you?"

"Couldn't. And ok. Be there." He hung up without a goodbye keeping the playfulness lingering longer that way.

She hung up and bit her bottom lip. He definitely affected her. But to how much? She was still figuring that out.

And so the dance starts.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7 I'll Be There

"So, you have plans?" Lanie leaned over her computer to appear that she was paying attention just so Kate would feel compelled to share.

"Yeah. So you think it was insulin poisoning? Was he diabetic?"

"Yes. But are you going to answer my question?"

"Then whoever killed him, knew him, which I assumed because of lack of fight. But, wouldn't he realize he was being given too much?"

"Kate!" Lanie slammed her fists down and turned towards her.

Kate was startled and her eyes popped in amazement. "Yes?"

"Good, I got your attention. I asked if you have plans?" She crossed her arms across her chest and blazed her eyes on Kate.

"Yes I do. Can we talk about his diabetes?" Her eyebrows raised was a clue to ignore further questioning unless it related to Mason Wells.

"Fine. For now anyway. Yes he had diabetes. Why you so caught up on that other than the fact that's what killed him?"

"Explains all the fruit in his fridge. But why didn't I find his meds?" Kate wasn't directly answering or questioning Lanie, she was once again, talking to herself.

"You still talking to me?" Lanie tried to regain Kate's attention but once Kate's mind starts rolling you can't stop it nor can she. Most nights she doesn't even sleep because she is so wired. That's when she writes and plays guitar.

"Hey Lanie?" Kate was now paying attention to her best friend.

"Now you're talking to me?"

"Yes. I have plans and I will dish on them later. Okay?" Kate stood up after checking her watch for the umpteenth time.

"Oh, you better. But I'd rather see you doing a walk of shame, much better than just what happened." Lanie's grin grew in size as her eyes winked at Kate.

"Shut up!" With one more look at her watch, Kate stepped out of the room leaving the door to swing shut.

Kate's phone rang as she was sliding her cocoa, colored, dress, with cherries, on.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is it ok if I pick you up instead?"

"Why Richard Castle did you ask my mom for directions to my place?" Kate was smiling and happy he couldn't see her.

"Yes but I told her it was for a case. She was more than happy to oblige." She could hear the smile in his voice.

"Ok. Since, you have already decided to do so, I can't say no now can I?"

"No. Not really. I should warn you that I am always early."

"Me too. I am just getting a couple of things…" Kate's doorbell rang and she abandoned her shoes to answer it. "One second."

Richard stood holding a bouquet of flowers and was polished in a navy blue blazer that seemed to be fighting his body to stay on him.

"Well I guess I can hang up then." She slid her phone in her other hand and took the flowers from him then proceeded to lead him through her apartment. "These are lovely, thank you. Make yourself comfortable while I finish up."

He strode over to her mantel and started scanning the pictures that were lined up. He admired the smiles and memories they seemed to capture so perfectly.

She stood watching him for a minute before making her way to him. "My dad was big on pictures."

"Was?"

"Yeah, we lost him two years ago to cancer. Here is one of my favorites." She picked up a picture that showed her spitting up a drink. "He made me laugh so hard that I actually spit out my Sprite. To me, it's one of his best." She set it carefully back down and he noticed her hand shook a little.

"Still hard, it never gets easier."

He seemed to understand her without words. In all her twenty-six years, Kate has never had someone grasp her the way he seemed to. Up until then, all the times she has been near him without knowing, things were bleak. There was a connection on the most deepest level. She knew he would have made her father proud.

They were both mature adults but he made her feel in a way that scared her. She was afraid of loss and where it would take her. Her own well to fall down. But without trying you could never fail.

"We better get going. I wouldn't want to be late." She slid her jacket on and led him out of her apartment.

The coffee shop sure seemed like an odd place for their first date but for them it was befitting. He held open the door for her and was acting like a pure gentleman which surprised her.

"Now listen here Mr. Castle, this date ends here, no more apartment exploring. Ok? I am not that kind of girl."

He smiled as they slid into their booth. "Understood Ms. Beckett."

She smiled then and they both laughed at how they were behaving.

"So, fries and a burger?"

"Don't forget the milkshake." She slid off her red cardigan and set it nicely beside her and leaned on the table with her elbows.

"I don't think I have mentioned yet how nice you do look. Quite extraordinary." He held fire in his eyes, but this fire was new. She sparked something in him. She put him in his place and wasn't afraid to. She was strong and he wanted to be part of her. More so than anything he wanted to please her.

"Thank you." She blushed and tossed her head down, so her hair fell in front of her face. It was another one of her secrets, don't show how much you enjoy him.

"I love that dress. Cherries?"

"Yeah, it's vintage. I like vintage. Ever since my dad bought me my first vinyl." She smiled at her dad's image but was also surprised she willingly brought up a memory of him. She couldn't believe he was doing that for her, comforting her, laying down a safe haven. The only other man in her life that could do that was her father.

"Me too. Something about that sound, you can't get that anywhere else."

"Yeah. I love my She & Him records. When they were released on vinyl, I was so excited, I made sure I could get my copy that I actually pre-ordered. I've never done that for anything."

"She & Him huh?" He seemed to be sincerely interested so she continued.

"Yeah, they are new but they have the old sound that I crave. You should check them out. My favorite song of theirs is actually "Thieves". I just get it, you know?"

"Yeah. I do." His eyes couldn't stray from her, he was too amazed and in wonderment of her.

"What?" She smiled back and her bright white teeth gleamed happily at him.

"You leave me awestruck."

She was taken aback. "What, wait, how?" She was clearly in reluctance to believe him.

"You are strong. You don't waver. You amaze me. Your beauty."

She smiled and blushed but this time she let him see. He was changing her right before her eyes.

Their dinner came and they shared work stories, interests, and the best, embarrassing stories. Her laugh only encouraged him to tell more. He loved the way she would throw her head back or forward and how her laugh could elevate volume the harder she laughed. He especially loved the occasional snort or crying he would cause her.

"Seriously! Stop! We are going to get kicked out of here and this is my favorite diner, ok?"

"Sorry. But you love it."

"Yes I do." She laughed again just to prove her point.

After dinner, she was walking alongside him and she wanted desperately to grab his hand but she couldn't. She had to remain somewhat of a mystery. She couldn't let on that she felt that this was going somewhere, but like he has proved, he knew her so well, that she didn't need to tell him, he knew.

He grabbed her right hand in his left and smiled down at her and she lifted her head to look at him and they had just started their own language. No words, that would ruin this moment.

Before they knew it, her apartment faced them.

"Well, this is my stop as well as yours, Mr. Castle."

"Kate,"

"Sorry Rick, I just love the sound of it." They were still holding hands unsure how much to give the other person. He knew again, and amazed her every time he did.

"Look, I want this to be more but if you ever need to just talk, I am here. I am here as a friend, Kate. I want to make sure you know that."

She dove for him. "I want this to be more but friendship would fold nicely into the mix. Don't you think?" She smiled, sure she found something great.

He answered her when he pulled her close. She was all prepared for a tender kiss but was once again, amazed. He gently kissed her forehead.

"I'll be there for you."

"The same rings here." She dropped his hand and walked up the steps to her building.

They smiled their goodbyes.

Once back in her apartment, Kate was surprised on how she acted. She let her guard down and let loose and she had the best time. She locked her door, slid off her shoes, and threw her cardigan on her couch. She was on her way to her bathroom when her phone buzzed.

_**Richard**_,

I mean it, ALWAYS.

She responded back with a feathered soul:

**_Kate,_**

ALWAYS.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8 Que sera sera

"So? Honey, how was it?" Johanna Beckett laid comfortably on Kate's couch.

"How was what?" Kate was still setting up the movie they planned on watching that night. She handed the bowl of popcorn to her mom then slid in the DVD of One Fine Day, one of Kate's favorites.

"Kate, you don't honestly think that I didn't figure out that you had a date the other night do you?" Johanna gave her daughter a quizzical look before popping some popcorn in her mouth.

"No. But if you knew I had a date why didn't you ask sooner?" She returned her mother's same look and slid next to her on the couch.

"I was hoping you'd confess to me. Now, I know you have Lanie but, I am still going to ask you. So, once again, how was it?"

Kate popped a few pieces of popcorn in her mouth and leaned back in the couch pulling her shirt out a little. "It was nice."

"That's all I am going to get? Come on, tell me more. Please?"

Kate looked at her mother and couldn't deny her something she missed out on while Kate was growing up, even though it was her decision to leave, Kate made a vow to no longer punish her.

"Mom," She turned with a childish gleam in her face. "It was amazing. At first I doubted it but I just felt it. I had to go with him. He surprised me. I felt connected. I mean he got me, the way dad did. I even felt comfortable talking about dad. He was special but I don't know." Just as the gleam was there, it left her face and was replaced with a look of loss.

"If it was so good why are you so unhappy?" She placed her hand on her daughter's knee and placed the popcorn on the coffee table.

"Seems too good to be true. I just, I am not ready for something serious."

"No. That is not it at all. You're scared. I know that face. If you feel like it could be serious, just take it slow. Don't lose it or better yet let it go. I did, and look what happened for me."

In all seriousness, Kate was feeling everything and she was sure in some way her feelings were deceiving her. She was trained for that. To not trust right away. That's why she is where she is. Sure, her dad provided a good example of how to love, but her mother took a sense of trust with her. Kate was like her mother in many ways, and she wasn't ready to see if leaving was one of those things. She didn't want to hurt Richard but, how could she not? He felt it the same way she did and he would only feel like a fool. Until she was purely certain she wanted to take that direction with him, she decided to pause and take a step back.

"I know what you are saying makes sense but how do I do that?" Kate could read her mom's face of need. Kate was asking her for advice, something Kate seldom did.

"Be honest. If he understands, then well, you have your answer. If he doesn't explain it better, that is if you really mean what you feel."

The DVD menu popped up but they were so invested in their conversation, they both ignored it.

"So, I say, hey I want to take things slow. You in?" Kate laughed at herself. She sounded so foolish like a high schooler. But in many ways, she never got to have the insecurity. She grew up too fast. So these new questions and this new found insecurity were as much as a surprise to her mom as they were to Kate.

"How about we let the movie answer for us. Sometimes things can do that for us. When we don't have the words others do. Trust me." She rubbed Kate's head then pulled her daughter in for a kiss on the head.

Kate reached for the popcorn and remote and nestled inside her mom's hug. She rested into her mom's side and for once, felt like their conversation was some closure. For both of them.

Kate's head was swarmed with decisions to make and many were determined to bombard her when she least expected.

Like when she took a sip of her coffee, she thought how they shared coffee that one morning, when they were both flustered. Then it flashed to when she sat by herself. Then it flew to their first date, and the kiss at her apartment. The sweet text. If he meant it, she could tell him how she felt, she could be honest.

"So, tell him, what am I waiting for?"

"Uh, come again?"

"Geez, Espo you have got to stop scaring me like that. What?"

"Something going on, you seem to be talking to yourself more and more these days?" He sat down at the chair next to her desk.

She ignored his question but became transfixed on the file he held in his hand.

He noticed but retreated it from her grasp. "Tell me first."

_Unnerving, she thought_. "Fine. I am fine. I just have a lot on my mind. Now, the file please?"

Once he handed it over she was pleased. "Erik Clemons. He met him regularly at a coffee house. How much do want to bet he is the burner cell number?"

"I bet a drink or so easily."

"Let's bring him in."

"So, Erik you met Mason Wells everyday for an hour. Why?"

"I had nothing to do with him being dead."

"I never said you did. Funny, you should jump there. See, in my experience whenever someone says they had nothing to do with it, they usually were involved. Let's get this over with and you just tell me what you two had to talk about."

He hesitated at first then spilled his guts, faster than spilling a drink.

"We were friends. We had this project. He was the real genius but he helped me."

"What kind of project?"

"A computer program that would allow whoever had it to access whatever they wanted."

"You two were planning a hijacking virus?"

"We didn't know at first but as we moved on, he wanted out."

"Why?"

Erik wiped his sweaty brow then leaned in and continued. "He didn't like that what he was creating could harm people. He was a good guy."

"Who were you doing this project for?"

Erik tensed. "We didn't know."

"I find that hard to believe. Erik, once again I'll ask, who were you two doing this project for?"

"Some guy e-mailed us to meet at the coffee place so we did and well, we kept getting e-mails on instructions. They were pretty bland at first but when they became specific, Mason was the only one who truly understood what was going on. He was teaching me along the way."

"Erik, how was Mason getting e-mails when he didn't own a computer?"

"He did. He had tons of tech stuff. I was in awe. I mean the guy practically had his own lab. You know, but with computers and stuff. I was just starting to understand some of the stuff when I heard he was dead."

"Do you remember where this place was?"

"Yeah. I could take you to it."

"Can't you just give me the address?"

"Trust me, I'll need to show you."

"Ok. We'll get to that in a minute but first I have more questions."

"Alright, I'll tell you anything if you protect me. If Mason is dead, they'll surely come for me."

"Ok. I'll see what I can do. So you have no idea who asked you to work on this program?"

"No."

"Then why do it? And what was your role in it?"

"The money, we thought a program, no problem. I helped by keeping the backups, I made the drops."

Inside Kate's head she smiled, she was getting somewhere good.

"Drops? Backups? Where are the backups? Where did you make the drops?"

"I don't have the backups anymore. They asked for them. So I gave them what I had. But I wasn't the only one with back-ups. Mason had some too. He took pride in his work. As for the drops they were pretty random, I would get a text then I'd make the drop. Simple."

"After all this, did you get the money?"

"No. Mason screwed it up for both of us."

"Did you two talk at all the night he died?"

"Yeah, we kept calling each other. Mason was freaked. He kept saying that they were going to wipe him out. That he knew too much. I thought he was exaggerating. But, I guess he wasn't."

Kate could read the loss on his face but she wasn't giving him the sympathy just yet.

"You ready to show me this 'lab'?"

"Sure. You gonna protect me?"

"For your cooperation, sure I will."

When they pulled up alongside an entrance to an alleyway, Kate thought he was surely screwing with her. She turned around in her car and Erik nodded his head.

"That's it. Told you I had to show you. Now can I get out so I can show you?"

"Yeah. Sorry." Kate opened his door and he led the way with her and Detective Esposito behind her.

The alleyway was dark even in the daylight. The whole thing felt suspicious but that is why this was his hideaway. You clearly wouldn't find it without knowing what you were looking for. There were boxes crumpled and dirt and muddy puddles everywhere but that didn't stop her in the least, she's stepped in worse. She's even seen worse. Her flashlight was held to her side to light the way for Erik.

"This is some serious precautions." Espo whispered in her ear.

"Well, it was obviously needed."

When she noticed Erik stop she was confused. "Uh, Erik, why did you stop? I don't see a door or anything."

Erik smiled, "That's the point." He pushed on a brick and all of a sudden a small entryway was available.

She stepped through first and was amazed at where she was standing. There were lights on so she flipped off her flashlight. There were desks set up everywhere and at least two or three computers rested on each one. There were three large whiteboards, similar to the one she used back at the precinct.

Erik was second to step inside. He saw the amazement on Kate's face and felt free to comment. "Pretty shocking huh? I had that same face when he first showed me."

"Why did he show you?" That little fact was picking at Kate and she needed to stop it.

"He took me under his wing. He said I could use it as long as no one followed me."

She turned back to Mason's place and she understood him. He had every calculation precisely marked on the white boards and the computers were a mix of modern models and outdated ones.

She wondered how this was being powered but then the humming noise drew her to the back, past the many computers and boards to find two, very large generators. That explained the electricity.

Javier Esposito made his way to one of the computers and he called Kate over.

"Looks like these have all been wiped clean."

She was so sure the answers were here but maybe they weren't the ones she initially searched for.

"Well, let's get the guys in here then Kenny can comb his way through all this. He'll love it. Hey Erik?"

Erik, who had hung back while they explored made his way to her.

"Do you notice anything that might be missing?" She watched and followed him as he made his way through Mason's place.

"Not really. But his journal is gone. But, he could have taken that with him. He never left it here."

"Thank you." She placed a call to the C.S.I. team then had a Uni drive Erik home with protection. She couldn't risk anything happening to him.

She knew that the journal might be some answers that would surely help understand Mason Wells, the person, not the victim. She couldn't help but conclude that his skills actually led him to his death. He was paranoid and freaked and was only trying to do the right thing.

With no more to go on, and relying on Kenny, she wanted to know where his journal was. She decided to make another visit to his apartment the next morning. She grabbed her jacket and phone, then stared at her phone.

She wanted to call Richard but was unsure if that was even ok. She remembered what her mother told her the other night. She decided that sleep might just be the answer.

Back at her apartment, she turned on Birdy's album and relaxed back with a glass of wine.

Richard still couldn't get ahold of Alexis and that only worried him more. He tried calling her cell and her usual hangs but one of the bars he called didn't answer so he decided to check it out. That is where he was headed at the moment.

When he entered the bar, he was upset and embarrassed that Alexis would be caught here but then again, she didn't hold any standards for herself.

He went to the bar and showed the bartender a picture of Alexis on his phone and the bartender pointed towards the bathrooms.

"Thanks." As he made his way to the bathrooms, he was worried of what he might find.

He pushed the door opened and called out for her. "Alexis?"

Her head poked out of an open stall. "Rick? Is that you?" She toppled to the floor and he headed over to his sister.

"Yeah, it's me. Let me help you get home." He picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom, and all the way into his apartment. He laid her across the guest bed and tucked her in.

He placed a glass of water on the night table and some pain meds. He was ready to confront her in the morning and to hopefully finally convince her to enter a rehab facility. He couldn't see her like this anymore and it was affecting his life as well.

He was in constant worry of what she was getting into. Where she was? Who she was with? And worse, if she was dead? The phone he bought her clearly didn't help her much because she rarely kept it on.

He looked her over one more time and was angered. This wasn't her fault, she was drinking away her pain. He wished her well and closed the door so only a sliver of light was available.

He sat on his couch and picked up his phone. He wanted to talk to Kate but was unsure of how to say what he wanted to say. Or even what he would say. He needed to tell her how he felt but he didn't want to be taken as a fool for coming on too strong. The last thing he wanted to do was push her away.

He set his phone back down and decided some sleep might help bring clarity. He slowly and quietly turned on the new She & Him record he bought. The first song he played was "Thieves" and he actually felt some connection to it the same way Kate had talked about.

With the thought of Kate, a beer in his hand, and his record player going he allowed himself some space from the questions and pain that lay, in the guest room, not too far from where he was seated.


	9. Chapter 9

Ch. 9 Ready To Go

Richard woke to the heavy sounds of vomiting. He knew it was Alexis getting rid of last night. He was ready to jump up and help her like he has done so many times but clearly what he was doing wasn't helping.

He knew both of them never got the help they clearly needed. They never had a time to heal. He was too nervous to dive into the past and try to fix what was broken. He needed to escape and with Alexis destroying herself, he realized she wouldn't get help unless he did. He made that decision last night. He was going to get help too, to show Alexis that there was nothing to be afraid of.

He sat up in bed, and leaned his feet over the side. He was debating how to approach the topic without scaring her off. Whenever rehab talk came up she ran and he couldn't afford that anymore.

Once he heard the toilet flush, he slowly made his way to the bathroom.

"Alexis? Can I come in?" He slid the door open a little more than it was and stood still.

"Uh, yeah."

When he entered the bathroom, she was hunched over the toilet, her hair tossed and knotted all over. She was pale as a ghost and was wearing last night's party dress. There were scratches on her legs and bruises on her arms. He couldn't believe he didn't see them last night.

"What happened to you?" He knelt on the bathroom tile right next to his sister. He gently lifted her left arm to examine it better.

She quickly retreated. "Nothing."

"Those aren't nothing. Who did this to you? I want their name." He was getting angry, something he was determined not to do.

"Not a big deal. I got in a fight." She refused to look him in the eye and her blue eyes seemed broken. She leaned over the toilet again and hurled.

He held her hair then left her to shower and clean up.

"I am leaving some clothes out on your bed for you."

"I live here too Rick, I know where my frickin' clothes are."

"Right." He left her by herself, something she clearly wanted more than anything at that moment.

Alexis came into the living room in sweats and an old t-shirt. She sat on the couch and leaned back into the pillows. The sight caught Richard off guard. She looked like a little child but she wasn't. Her childhood was robbed and that was something he could never give her. But he was determined to give her the help she could get now. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Her body was curled in the couch and he was hesitant to disturb her.

"Here." He handed her a mug of tea and a small shot glass of Coke syrup.

"Thanks." She took the coke syrup and smiled. "You still carry that around?"

"Well, it still helps a queasy stomach, so, yeah." He sat on the edge of the couch and picked up her feet and laid them across his legs.

"I'm sorry." Her baby blue eyes found his and the lost innocence in them killed him.

"Don't be sorry. Get help." He saw her face harden and he quickly reacted to it. "Don't be mad. I am going to get help too."

"Since when have you picked up a drinking habit? Last time I checked you were perfect. So, what has changed?"

"Alexis, I am going to see a therapist and while I do, I would like you to enter treatment."

Tears slid down her face and she left them to slide down on her cold skin. Richard slid closer and tried to hold her but she slid away from him.

"Alexis, I couldn't help the first time, I can't believe I didn't see what was going on. I should have done something. I should have protected you, it's my job." He turned to her so she could see his face. The tears brimmed his eyes but he was withholding them until he finished. "I have failed you once, I won't fail you again." Once he breathed out, the tears fell.

"It's not your fault. No one knew, I never said anything. I wanted to tell you but I was ashamed. I couldn't even protect myself, how should I have expected you to? You didn't fail me. They did." She reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Alexis, mom and dad would not want you to have to go through this. For you to fall apart. You know dad, you were his little twin princess. You are a spitting image of him. You have his strength too. He felt he could carry the weight of the world on his shoulders but he didn't have to. He didn't rely on others because he felt he could handle anything himself. But you don't have to, neither did he. I don't want it to be too late for you to realize the way it was for dad."

"Dad was very strong. I am nothing like him. I couldn't fight back. Dad would have, he could have. No, I am nothing like him." She set her tea on the coffee table and stormed off to her room.

He followed her and opened her door. "Haven't you heard of privacy, Rick?"

"Haven't you ever heard to never leave a fight unresolved?" He stepped in and sat down next to her on her bed.

"Ricky, we weren't fighting. We disagreed. That's it. So, I'm fine."

Once again he picked up her bruised arm. "No you're not and neither am I. We can get help together. I am ready to go, are you?"

"What can they do for me that you haven't tried? I mean, seriously, Ricky they are no better than you. If my own brother can't help me, how can they?"

It was a tough question to answer but he knew the truth would be the only thing that could work. "I can't help you the way they can because I am not trained to. Plus, you being my sister, well, I am too close to this. They are objective and they've have been helping many people before you. I think this is a big step for both of us. If I can do it, so can you. I know how strong you are Alexis even if you can't see it. That's why you have me." He smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

She cried into his shoulder and after a few solid minutes of crying, she pulled away and wiped her tears. "Sorry, I cried all over you." She laughed and swiped at his damp shirt.

"Don't worry about it Lex."

"I'm ready. I'm ready if you are."

He sat up straighter and smiled. "Really?"

She returned his smile and nodded. "I am. So, are we going?"

"Yes but I want you to know," he grabbed her gently by her shoulders and faced her to him, "I am so proud of you."

She grabbed his shoulders. "I am proud of you too Ricky."

They both stepped through the doors of Hazelden. Alexis was nervous so she grabbed Richard's hand. He looked down at her and smiled with encouragement. They continued in and stepped up to the front desk.

"Hi. I'm Richard Castle and this is Alexis Castle. I called a little while ago."

The woman behind the desk, Bonnie, nodded. "Sure thing. You talked to me. Ok, first we would like you two to meet with Dr. Vell. He can evaluate the situation and see what is best for Alexis."

"Ok. Sounds good." Richard smiled at Bonnie and him and Alexis were led to an office on the second floor.

They stepped into a spacious office but it wasn't overwhelming.

"Have a seat. My name is Dr. Josh Vell. I understand we are here for Alexis to have some treatment."

"That would be correct. I am the messed up one." Alexis sat in a chair next to Richard's.

"Now, that negativity will get you nowhere." Dr. Vell leaned forward to face Alexis better.

"Sure. What first?"

"Well, I want you to know what we offer. That ok?"

"Sure." Alexis nodded and Richard followed suit.

"We offer housing to get young adults such as yourself," he nodded to Alexis, "to help them establish themselves in a healthy manor while getting treatment. The next thing we offer is our intensive outpatient program. What that is, is an individual system. A lot of one-on-one, a special program set up to your needs. There are lectures, group therapy, one-to-one counseling, Twelve Step meetings, spirituality work, and peer interaction. The last thing we offer is a family program. That's when more than one member needs treatment. But before you pick what program might suit you best, we have you evaluated and assessed. We offer an evaluation to see what the problem really is and then we offer the best route to take. I know this is a lot to take in but I need you to realize that, just by coming here shows courage. You see you have a problem and you want help, that's a big step, Alexis. You should feel good about that."

Alexis sat in the chair trying to retain all the information that was just thrown at her. She was scared but she knew she had to do it for Rick and most importantly, herself.

"I do."

Richard, who up until that point, sat as quiet as a mouse, finally spoke up, "When does she get evaluated?"

The doctor turned to him for the first time since he started talking. "Well, we have you fill out some forms then sit down with a doctor. I do some evaluations myself. Unless," he turned to Alexis again, "you might feel more comfortable talking with a female doctor."

Again it was time for Alexis to take more information and decide. She tried to not get overwhelmed but, it was hard. "I would prefer a female, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. We want you to feel completely comfortable."

"It's not that I don't like you or am not comfortable with you, it's just some of the things I need to talk about are hard to do with a man."

"That is completely understandable and my feelings aren't hurt in the least. Maybe we'll get a chance to work together later on. It is whatever suits you best."

"Ok. Who do I talk to?"

He handed her some forms and sent her to an office not far from his. When she read the name on the door, she froze.

Richard took notice. "Alexis? What's wrong?"

She simply said nothing and continued to stare at the name on the door, _Dr. Rachelle Lite_.

"Do you recognize her?" Richard turned to get a better read on Alexis's face.

Alexis shook her head. "It's just, what if she can't help me Ricky? What will we do then?"

"Whatever we have to. But I am sure you are going to get helped here. This is the best. Now that we have that settled, do you want me to go with you?"

Alexis took a deep breath and shook her head no. "This is something I have to do alone but I wouldn't mind if you waited for me.

"I will wait till you decide you don't need me anymore." He rubbed her back and smiled.

"I will always need you Ricky." She kissed her brother on the cheek and nodded toward the door. "I'm ready to go."

Richard watched his sister, his only family, walk through the door of the doctor's office and disappear. He took a seat on a bench that was set up across the hall. He was going to wait until he knew she was ok. He would wait forever for Alexis.


	10. Chapter 10

Ch. 10 I'll Find You Shelter

Alexis sat facing Dr. Rachelle Lite in a chair across from the doctor. She wasn't the first to speak.

"So, Alexis, what brings you here?"

"I have a problem. Shouldn't you already know that?" Alexis folded herself tighter into the chair to guard herself the only way she'd be able to.

"Well, you tell me what your problem is then."

"I drink. I get drunk almost every night. I don't know how to stop. I just keep drinking to forget and when I remember, I drink again."

"What are you trying to forget when you drink?"

Alexis stiffened at the doctor's question. "I'm not my brother you know. He is better than me. He is stronger. That's what I try to forget."

"Why do you feel he is better or stronger than you?"

"I don't feel, I know. He has always been that way. He defends himself, protects himself."

The doctor nodded like she understood. "You said he can defend himself and protect himself, what makes you think you

can't do the same for yourself?"

"Because I didn't!" Alexis dropped her head in her lap and fought back tears.

"Alexis? It's ok to be upset. You can even hate me but I need to know when you didn't protect yourself."

Alexis looked back up at the doctor and nodded. She knew it would be hard to talk about her past but Rick was suffering on her count and she didn't want that anymore.

"I'm twenty-two years old and am still relying on my twenty-seven year old brother."

"Seems fine to me. Don't you?"

"No. I am a burden."

"Has he told you, you are?"

"No. But, I know I am. He would never say how it takes a toll on him. He finds me God knows where at whatever time he can find me. I want to change."

"Good. So tell me, when didn't you protect yourself?"

"My parents died. I was eight. Ricky was thirteen. We went to a foster home. They seemed really nice. She wanted kids but couldn't have any. They were nice enough to take both me and my brother. They could have split us up but they didn't, I was grateful."

The doctor nodded and Alexis continued.

"Well, Rick was a big help around the house. He helped Mr. Field with all the handyman stuff and I helped Mrs. Field with keeping up the house. It worked really well. I was devastated when I lost my parents but the Fields' were good to us. It happened about four months after we moved in."

"What did?"

Alexis swiped at her tears and clutched her knees closer to her. "He started paying me visits in my bed at nighttime. I didn't say anything because he threatened to separate me and my brother. So I kept quiet. He came in five times a week. At first I was confused, then I understood it was wrong. That he had no right to do it to me."

"You never told your brother or Mrs. Field about this?"

"No. I was scared to. I didn't want to lose Ricky. So I stayed quiet. It went on for two years."

"What happened then?" Dr. Lite took off her glasses and set them down on the pad of paper she had been taking notes on.

"Mrs. Field found out. She came to check on me because I had been sick that week and she found us. She divorced him and kept us until Rick's sixteenth birthday. He got emancipation and got custody of me."

"You ever talk to anyone? Another doctor maybe?"

"They tried, Rick tried. I didn't want to talk."

"Alexis, when did Richard find out?"

"I told him a week before his birthday. He was mad."

"Not at you, you know that right?"

"I never told him, he blames himself. That's my fault."

Dr. Lite leaned in her chair to get closer to Alexis. "Alexis, you can not blame yourself for how Richard feels. He has to deal with that himself. You can not put that on yourself. We are here for you. Ok?"

Alexis nodded.

"Good. When you were raised by your brother, how was that?"

"He walked around eggshells and became even more protective of me. But, I was happy to be with just him. He was my only family."

"When did you start drinking?"

"Well, I was fifteen. I scored some off my friends. I even did some drugs. But, I don't do drugs that much anymore. I only get high when I can't afford a drink."

"Did Richard know what was going on with you?"

"No. That's why it was easy. He was busy with college, and I told him everything was fine. I think he suspected something but he was terrified I would runaway."

"What gave him the idea of you running away?"

"I did. I told him, if he didn't back off I would leave and he'd never see me again."

"Why did you tell him that?"

"I don't know. To get him to leave me alone."

"To drink or smoke away the pain instead of getting help? Did you not want help because some part of you thinks you deserve it?"

Alexis started getting angry. She threw her feet down and gave the doctor a _what the hell? _face. "No!"

"Well, from what you have told me, I think a part of you blames yourself. Like it was your fault you were molested."

"What?"

"Don't worry, we'll work with you. We'll take that and make sure you don't feel that way."

"So, you're gonna help me?"

"Yes. I think the best recommendation is our intensive outpatient program. You'll still live here in the facility but that is what is best for you."

"Thank you."

"Thank yourself." The doctor stood and shook Alexis's hand.

When the door opened, Richard jumped up. "Everything ok?"

"Everything will be fine, Mr. Castle. I would like to talk to you a minute."

"Ok." He turned back to Alexis. "I'll be right back."

"Go ahead, I'll be here."

He kissed her on her forehead and followed the doctor into her office.

"Alexis told me you are seeking help also."

"Yeah, I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon."

"Good, it's important to her that you are doing this with her."

"I'm glad I can help. So, what do you recommend?"

"Our outpatient program. She can bring a couple of things here to make it more comfortable but this will be her home for the time of her treatment."

"I thought as much."

"So, we will set her up in a room and you can bring a few items over. But I feel it's best if you leave and come back while she gets a little familiar with how things run here."

"Ok. When am I allowed to visit?"

"Well that's up to Alexis. Whenever she feels and we feel she is ready to see you."

"Ok. Thank you." Richard's phone beeped but he ignored it.

After Richard brought Alexis some clothes and a picture of their family, he said his goodbyes. He knew she'd be safe there and get the proper help. Now that he was back at his place, he felt lonely. He went to her room and saw the emptiness that was there. The room felt lonely itself. He closed the door and went to grab a beer when he remembered when his phone beeped back when he was talking to Dr. Lite.

It was a text.

Kate,

Want to grab a drink later?

He stared at the text and decided not to answer. He made plans to call her tomorrow when he got another text.

Kate,

Need to talk?

He loved that she knew him without knowing him but just a few weeks. Knowing it would be in his best interest, he replied.

Richard,

Sorry about not getting back to you. But I would love a drink. Meet you at Walker's?

Kate,

Sure. Be there in twenty


	11. Chapter 11

Ch. 11 Anywhere With You

When Kate stepped through Walker's door, she instantly became flooded with excitement. She had thought it over in her mind several times and she was going to tell him that she wanted "this" to go somewhere. She didn't have to look long because, towards the back, seated at a small, intimate, table, sat Richard. He didn't see her make her way towards him, so when she all of a sudden came up to the table, she surprised him.

"Twenty minutes. You weren't kidding." He stood up and leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. It was an impulsive move but one he was happy to have made.

She was surprised to find herself not taken back in the least. She actually was happy he kissed her. It made what she wanted to tell him easier.

"I am an on time kind of person. I am just glad you wanted to talk." She sat down across the table and ordered a Guinness.

He took the same and smiled. "I am just glad you took the initiative."

"You weren't going to?" She slid off her jacket and was delighted to notice that her sparkly tank top caught his eye and better yet caught him off guard.

"Uh, well, I was unsure how to approach the topic."

"Right. Well I am not." Which wasn't the whole truth, but who was going to tell him? "I wanted to talk to you about that exactly."

He was glad the drinks arrived just in time. He wasn't sure what she was going to say and how we would react. He noticed she needed a little boost so he gave it to her. "Ok. Go on."

She nodded and didn't hold back. She looked him right in the eye and recited what she had practiced on her way there. "Well, I was thinking about our first date and I had a really good time. By a good time I mean, I would like another one."

"As would I." The devilish grin he gave her made her relax into the conversation.

"I don't always voice what I am feeling and that makes it hard for others to know what I am feeling. Which is a good thing while I am at work but I have a hard time turning it off." She made sure she was being received in the right way before she continued. The light in his eye was the confirmation she needed, so she went on. "So, I am taking a leap of faith here in telling you that I feel strongly for you. I think there is a connection, and I hope I am not the only one that feels this way but…"

He reached across the table and took her hand in his. "You're not. I feel the same, I was just nervous on how to voice it. I didn't want to scare you off."

"Neither did I. We're on the same page then?" She continued to let him hold her hand while she watched the decision play across his face.

"Yeah, I think we are." He gently released his hand from hers and took a big sip of his beer.

The conversation seemed to flow very easily for both of them after they settled on their common ground.

"So, you say he was very smart and secretive?"

"Yeah, I just feel bad for the guy. He had no one."

"No family? No friends?"

Kate sadly shook her head. "None. He was a loner and his parents passed away three years ago."

"It's hard isn't it?"

"Well, it always is. Whenever I get a call, it's sad but the ones who have no one seem worse to me. Sure no one misses them but I think that's the whole point. When you do go, you would want others to miss you and shed some tears. It's called being human."

"Do cases like that happen a lot. The no one missing them part, I mean." He signaled for two more beers while she collected herself.

"Not too much but it does happen." She noticed his somber expression and felt bad. "I don't mean to talk about work, especially the work I do."

"No, it's fine. I mean my work can be sad, I prosecute your cases. Remember?"

"How could I forget what led us here in the first place?" She laughed at the situation and straightened herself up. "So why don't you tell me about your family. You know about my mom and dad. What about you?" She leaned her elbows on the table and gave him her full attention.

"Family is so boring."

She could tell he was dodging her question but wasn't sure why. "If you don't want to talk, I understand but don't lie. I read people for a living remember?"

He nodded knowing he'd been caught. "My parents died when my sister and I were fairly young. She was eight and I was eleven."

"Sorry for your loss. That was too young for you to lose them. I didn't know you had a sister. What's she like?"

"Well, thank you. She is lovely. Her name is Alexis and she is my only family."

"Is there something wrong?"

The look of concern she gave him was something he knew came with the territory of his family's story but was something he didn't want from her. He couldn't say there wasn't anything wrong because she knew him too well. It was something he loved and feared. "My sister is actually going through some things right now that are hard on both of us. I am not at liberty to say what because they're not mine but, it's hard. I worry about her and sometimes don't know what tomorrow holds."

She reached for his hand and pulled him further across the table to her.

"You don't have to tell me but, know I am here for you. I mean it. In anyway I can help, let me know. But can you tell me about how you are dealing with all of this?"

"I am actually seeing a therapist tomorrow. It will help me help her and myself I guess." He expected her to freak out on him and think he was crazy. What he didn't expect was for her to accept it.

"I get it but if you don't mind me mentioning, how come when I said a job can be overwhelming you treated me like I had a weakness? I know it's not a weakness but it worried me that you thought it could be."

"I was determined to push you away remember? I was being a jackass. It's not a weakness, it takes strength. I am glad you brought it up, I don't want you to think ill of me in any way or in any manner. I am glad you don't think I am crazy."

"I don't. Should I?" She playfully smiled at him and gently squeezed his hand.

"No. That wouldn't work for us at all. So, you think you know who did it?"

"That I am not so sure on. I think I know what got him killed, but who actually did it, not so much." She finished her third beer and ordered another.

He raised his eyebrows at her and decided to let them do the talking for him.

"I know what you're thinking Castle. But, to ease your mind, I hold my liquor and I took a cab here. Safe driving." She made a toast to him and took a big taste of her beer.

"Well, here's to us."

She clinked mugs with him and savored the last of her beer. "Ok. Cut off time for me." She checked her watch and decided it was also leaving time.

"Heading home?" He seemed a little disappointed but understood she needed to leave. He enjoyed her company and couldn't wait to get more of it.

"Yeah. I guess it is." She placed a twenty dollar bill on the table and stood up.

"I'll join you." He rose out of his seat and placed a twenty also.

She looked at him oddly. "Still not that kind of girl Rick."

"No, I mean leaving. I'll join you in leaving. Kathryn Beckett, I never."

She laughed at her own assumption and gladly walked out with him. Once she hailed a cab she turned to say her goodbyes. "I had fun, once again."

"Can't wait to do this another time." He opened the cab door for her.

She leaned in the door of the cab and pulled on his shirt to bring him closer. She didn't hesitate on pulling him fully on top of her and placing her lips directly on his. She embraced him and the kiss was both tender and menacing. Once they parted, he was still leaning on her, when she licked her lips.

"Mmm. Wow." She smiled and gently bent down for a peck on the lips.

"I was thinking the same."

She pushed him away then slid in the cab. She reached to close the door but was shocked to see him sliding in next to her.

"Oh, Rick, I wasn't inviting you back, I." She stopped unsure how to put it nicely. She felt bad if her intense kiss was led for him to believe that she wanted more. But, once again, she made an assumption.

"I want to make sure you get home safely. Kate, you really are a tease aren't you?" He laughed and gave the driver her address.

She laughed and leaned into his shoulder. "I sure am making a fool of myself tonight aren't I?"

"Better you than me."

Once the cab pulled up to her apartment, he was just about to exit the cab when she stopped him.

"No need." She slid across his body to exit the open cab door. Once she stood safely on the sidewalk, he closed the door.

"Wow, you are shameless."

"Well, if I am a tease, I have to play the role, right?" She smiled and blew a kiss before entering her building.


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12 Break Me Again, Again, and Again

"That's why we're all here, Alexis. To get help. To better ourselves."

"Well, I want a drink. I don't see how this is supposed to help me." Alexis was shivering in a blue plastic chair; one of many in a circle.

"Alexis, that is withdraw. It's ok to feel that way. That's why you're here." Dr. Patrick Keller leaned in his chair to face Alexis better.

"Yeah. I'm here and I have a lot on my plate too. You're not alone." Samantha Rope, a group member whispered to Alexis.

"I think that is all for this group today. You can go." Dr. Keller stood and left with the other members.

On the way out, someone grabbed Alexis's arm. "Hey Alexis, wait up."

Alexis turned and found herself facing two girls and a boy from group.

"Hey, I'm Samantha, call me Sam." The blonde haired, gray eyed girl smiled at Alexis.

"I'm Lillian, call me Lily." A pink haired girl held out her hand for Alexis.

"Do you have red eyes?" Alexis leaned closer to the girl.

"Yeah. Colored contacts. Cool huh?"

Alexis nodded and turned to assess the boy.

"I'm Thomas." His hair was a rich, dark brown, that ran to his shoulders. His big brown eyes smiled back at her.

"Well, you know me. I'm Alexis Castle." Alexis hugged her hoodie closer to her chest, trying to fight the chill that ran through her bones.

Sam stepped forward and pulled Alexis along with her and the others. "Come back to my room."

As they made their way down the same hallway as Alexis's room, they were stopped by an orderly.

"Hold on there Thomas. Come here. You know it's time to talk to Dr. Vell."

Thomas paused midway and sunk his head low. "Sorry guys. Guess you have to have the whole 'I am addicted to this' powwow by yourselves."

Alexis smiled at him because she thought he was cute with a sense of humor. He took notice and stepped in front of her before he moved on.

"I'll talk to you later, Alexis Castle." He smiled and strode his way to the orderly. He knew she was still watching him and turned around to let her know he knew she was.

Alexis immediately turned around, embarrassed Thomas caught her watching him.

Lily noticed how Alexis acted around Thomas and decided to clue her in. "Don't fall for his charm. He's been here for a year now and they're thinking of sending him into a more intense separation program."

Alexis was baffled. "A separation program?"

They continued walking and this time Sam spoke up. "Yeah, it means you only see your doctor and get your meds and meals delivered to your room. You can't leave your room at all."

"Why would they do that?" Alexis didn't feel anything was visually wrong with Thomas, sure you can't tell what people are going through based on looking at them but, if she had to guess, he seemed nice enough.

"Because the boy don't listen. He's a rule breaker. Real bad boy." Sam laughed as she said bad boy like she was in on his secret.

"So, what are we going to do all day?" Alexis sat on the end of Sam's standard twin mattress.

"Talk. Gossip."

"You first." Lily turned to Sam.

"Ok. I am an alcoholic. I am also addicted to prescription meds. Nothing in particular, just whatever I can get my hands on. Notice how I don't get meds? Yeah, that's because it's one of my problems."

Alexis couldn't believe how open the people were. She was nervous when it came to her turn.

"Me? Ok." Lily sat up, smiling. Like she enjoyed having addiction issues. "My daddy thinks I have a coke problem. I do though, well that and meth. What about you?" She turned her red eyes on Alexis and at the sight of them, Alexis slightly cowered away.

"I am an alcoholic. I do some drugs but I am not addicted to them." She felt their heated glares on her and she didn't like that she was being judged. Especially because the reason she was here was to not be judged.

An orderly came by the door and tapped lightly. "Ah, Lillian, I thought I'd find you here."

"It's Lily." She crossed her arms and slid off the bed.

"You have your checkup today remember?"

"No. That's your job." Lily complied with the orderly and threw her fingers in a peace sign before leaving.

"Don't be intimidated by her. She acts all tough but she is not."

Alexis didn't mind Sam but, Lily was another story. "Why does she seem happy to be here?"

"Because she is. Her dad hates her, or so she says. Lily can be a bit dramatic."

"A bit? Her eyes are red." Alexis brushed the sweat off her forehead and moved some of her flaming, red hair, behind her ear.

"Yeah. Well I miss my family. My little brother sends me cards all the time. Want to see them?"

Alexis nodded but didn't have to. Sam was already reaching on the top shelf of her closet to pull out a little box.

"This is all of them. I save everyone." Sam handed over her little shoebox of cards and Alexis slowly slid off the lid.

At the sight of them, Alexis felt sad. She felt bad about what Sam's little brother must be going through to have to sit back and watch his sister be kept away from him. It reminded her of what she must have put Richard through. She kept flipping through them and realized he couldn't be any older than seven.

"How old is he?"

"Six. He makes a lot of them at school. His name is David."

"Does he look like you?" Alexis handed back the box and nonchalantly wiped at her eyes.

"Yeah. Exactly like me. I call him my son sometimes. He actually could be." Sam closed her closet back up and re-joined Alexis on her bed.

"Sorry."

"For what? You didn't do anything."

"I just, I can tell you miss him."

"Yeah. But, I am here for him. What about you? Have anybody missing you?" Sam started to braid her hair as she listened to Alexis.

"Just a brother. His name is Richard. He's older than me. He's why I am here."

"Why? Did he cut you out or something?"

"No." Alexis tried not to miss him but even when she was barely coherent, he was always there when she needed him. "He just worries I guess."

"You guess?" Sam finished her braid and tossed it behind her.

"I know he cares, I just, I don't know."

"Alexis?" Dr. Lite stood in Sam's open door.

"Yes?" Alexis stood off to the side of Sam's bed.

"They told me I could find you here. A nurse went to your room but you weren't there. You have an appointment."

"Sorry. Bye Sam." She waved goodbye to Sam and followed Dr. Lite down the hall and to the elevators.

"It's fine. We just want to make sure you come."

Sitting across from the doctor once again, Alexis was breaking down.

"Alexis, you are allowed to cry. It's ok."

Alexis muffled something inaudible due to her sobs.

"I didn't hear what you said. Can you repeat yourself?"

"I said I want to talk to my brother." Alexis uncrossed her legs and stared right at the doctor.

"I don't feel you should."

"I have to. Please. He had his therapy session two days ago. I don't even know how it went or how he is. I haven't talked to him. Please. I know I can't leave, I won't ask him to help me to. I just miss him."

Dr. Lite seemed to feel that, that was what Alexis needed. She needed to see if Alexis would consider someone else's feelings, to see if she was in the right mind.

"Ok Alexis. You can call your brother."

"Now?" Alexis sniffled and felt hope rising in her chest. That and longing, were there to drive Alexis crazy.

"Sure. We are done for today anyway."

Alexis hurried out of the office and ran to the phone in the hallway. She typed in her brother's cell number and waited anxiously as the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Ricky?"

"Alexis?"

"Yeah. I can't talk long. But, I was missing you and they finally said I could call you. How are you? How was your appointment?"

"I miss you too. I love you so much. I am so glad you called. I am ok, just missing you. How are you? Did you make friends?"

"Oh my gosh. Listen to you, 'did I make friends'?"

"I worry. Did you?"

"Yes. Sam, Lily, and,"

"And?"

"Well there is this guy but Sam and Lily swear he is trouble."

Richard's big brother instincts fired up. "No guys!"

"Calm down. I am not looking for companionship. How was your appointment?"

"It was good. Dr. Gates is nice. I have my third appointment tomorrow. She says I show good signs of healing."

"What does that mean?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

Alexis laughed. She heard a beep in the phone and her heart sank.

"Al, what was that?"

"I have thirty seconds. I love you and will talk as soon as they let me."

"Ok. I love you and miss you Al."

"Miss you too Ricky." The call got disconnected and Alexis hung up. She sunk to the floor and cried.

"Let me take you to your room." A nurse stood over Alexis and helped her get to her feet. When they reached her room, Alexis passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Alexis knew that they needed to break her of her addiction. But Alexis was worried how much could she afford to break?


	13. Chapter 13

Ch. 13 Unknown Places

"You're not wearing that for me, are you?" Esposito pointed at Kate's red blazer over a black, lace, tank-top.

"No." She looked down at it and knew she should have worn something different. Sure, she planned on having lunch with Richard but she could have and should have changed in the car.

He continued to stare until his face read as if he had an idea.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Just that you must have a hot date." He smiled happily. He loved to tease her because she was so guarded. "Who is the hunk?"

"No one you would know." She pulled out her memo pad and decided to go over what she has learned so far. By all means, her white board did help organize her thoughts but her memo pad were her notes, theories, or ideas, that she didn't share.

"Ok. But remember, I am a cop. I will find out." He walked away with a sly grin on his face and she was wearing a stoical grin but was freaking in the inside.

_If he finds out, Ryan finds out, and if Ryan finds out, everyone fids out, and if everyone finds out, Captain finds out and if Captain finds out, I am screwed. The worst is if Lanie finds out from someone else. Shit! Now I have to tell her and then the chain starts all over again._

As Kate was weighing her odds, one of her notes on her pad caught her attention..Peoples face were of other students at NYU for a private computer study. Is Mason part of it? If so, why didn't he show up on the list? Talk to Professor Maxwell Keys.

After deciding on talking to the Professor she told Detective Ryan to keep up the video surveillance but to look for the people on the flash drive. She told Espo to work with Kenny and see what this 'program' was about. On her way out, she got a text. She was going to ignore it but thought better of it.

Rick,

See you 1.

The thought of him and that kiss they shared and the kisses they have been sharing, made her stomach tickle and her lips were left aching. She tried to  
shake off the thought of him to focus on where she was going and to what she  
was going to say. But she still responded.

Kate,

I'll be coming for you ;)

"Professor Keys? I am Detective Beckett. I am here to talk about Mason Wells."Kate flashed her badge then slid it back over her folder and flipped to her  
memo pad.

"Keep up the good work students. I'll be back in a moment." He made his way over to her and as he did, she noticed he walked with a cane.

He may not have looked like a killer but that doesn't mean he didn't do it. However, for right now she needed information.

He ran his hands through his full head of gray hair and smiled at her. It was a warm smile but an urgent one at that.

"If you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do. This is a big project we are developing and it needs all the time it can get."

"I just have a few questions." She went on without a response, he didn't need one. She could tell he would let her know whatever she needed to.

"Did you know Mason well?"

"No. He was asked to participate, he was exceptional, probably my best student but, he turned it down."

"Do you know why?" She wrote down on her memo pad :

Turned down project worthy of his skills. Why?

"No. It was a shame really. He was so bright, he could have done 'it' wonders."

"What was he going to do if he accepted the offer?"

"You mind if I sit down? My legs aren't as strong as they once were." Kate shook her head no and the doctor sat down on a bench outside the classroom. She joined him, but sat on an angle so she could still have the upper hand.

"He would be in charge of how the program ran, how it was designed, what it could do."

"Pretty much, anything he wanted. He would have been in complete control. So why do you think he didn't?"

"That stubborn boy. He convinced Mason that he would be just another puppet. But it's not like that. We are working on a program that could change lives."

"Stubborn boy? Who is this guy?"

"Kyler Stone. Trouble. It never made sense to why Mason was friends with this 'Kyler' fellow. Mason was a genius, he could have done great things."

"Why did Kyler not want Mason to participate?"

The professor leaned his head on his hands, on top of the cane, and looked pained. "Kyler is flawed. He is schizophrenic. Sometimes he takes his meds, sometimes he doesn't. He is a paranoid guy. I guess Mason took him in, and watched after him."

"Professor Keys, what exactly is this 'program' you are working on?" Kate leaned her pen on her memo pad waiting for his response and how he reacted.

"Well, based on this program you could upload it to any device and watch what they do, search for threats and…"

"You mean a government program? That's what you are working on?"

"Yes. But that is all I can tell you. Honestly, please find out what happened to Mason."

"That's what I am trying to do. Do you know where I can find Kyler Stone?"

"No. Once Mason quit, Kyler didn't show up that much. But last week he came in screaming. I thought he must have skipped his meds. He was ranting and blaming me for Mason's death."

"What did he say exactly?"

"'You killed him! You're stupid project! He always wanted to help! That's the only reason he agreed to do it! You got him killed!'"

"Anything more?"

"No. Security took him away after that."

Kate stood up and helped the Professor to his feet. "Thank you Professor Keys. You have been a big help."

She left the professor to his students and headed to the central office. If Kyler was off his meds, he could be in serious trouble, or he could have killed Mason without realizing it. _But, if he wasn't and was telling the truth, my hunch all along, this project really did kill Mason, than he might know who else was involved._

Kate approached the woman at the front desk and smiled. The woman held up her index finger while holding the phone with her other hand.

"One minute, I am busy miss."

"Yeah, well so am I." Kate flashed her badge and the woman's face immediately became embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry Detective?"

"Beckett. Now I need to know where I can find Kyler Stone."

The woman just stared at Kate like she was crazy. Her olive skin looked worn out like she was put under a lot of stress everyday.

"Detective, Kyler dropped out."

"You know that for sure?" Kate lost a little hope but gained a great amount of suspicion and curiosity.

"I don't need to check that one. Good riddance. That boy was some kind of trouble. He made a great disturbance here. Like a natural disaster."

Kate felt bad that Kyler literally had no one but Mason on his side but, if he was trouble maybe Kyler got him killed.

"Does he have a forwarding address?"

"That I will check."

Kate turned around to roll her eyes. This university was never her first choice and she was glad she never came here. _They don't care about their students. They care about the money._

"Ok. Right here. It's on 2 East 3rd Street."

"Thank you."

"No problem. But be careful, I am serious." She made the cuckoo sign with her fingers and it made Kate disgusted. _What a, oh I don't know. Bitch._

When Kate pulled up to the apartment building, it was not what she expected. Sure it would be nice, the area alone is expensive taste. She walked up to the door of the building marked East Village Residence and stepped through the door.

She went to the service desk and found a burly man sleeping. She tapped the bell but that didn't seem to wake him. She coughed real loudly but that didn't stir him either. Finally, she reached over and shoved his feet off the desk. He sat up all confused and he started wiping his face.

"What the hell did you do that for?" He continued to clear his face of his sleepies and drool when he turned to look at her better. "Damn, I'm sorry. Here to see an apartment?"

His attempt to hit on her made her have to suppress a laugh. "Actually I am."

"Want to see mine for inspiration?" He winked and her stomach turned.

She flashed her badge and he cowered away from her.

"Fuck. I am so sorry. But a if you like," He wiggled his brows and licked his lips.

"No. I need to see Kyler Stone. I was told he lived here."

"Oh Kyler, yeah. He bunks with his sister. Hot as hell if I may add."

"Address please?" Kate was not interested in flirting with him all day.

"Apartment 2B."

"Thanks." Kate made her way to the stairs and heard him holler out at her, "If you change your mind, let me know." She ignored him and carried on.

Once she reached the door, she knocked and the door opened immediately. She was about to make her way through when she was tackled down and she felt she had hit her head. She reached to the back of her head and when she pulled her hand away, there was blood on her palm. Her eyes and head started to tingle, then everything went black.


	14. Chapter 14

Ch. 14 Possibility of Joy

Kate could hear muffled voices but they sounded far away.

"Kyler? What did you do? She's a cop! She probably wanted to ask me a question."

"Lies. She wanted to arrest me. She thinks I am guilty. We have to get rid of her."

"She's not dead! And we are not going to kill her. Call 911!"

"Are you crazy? They'll arrest us!"

"Then what? I know! Grab her and slide her in the hall a few doors away. I'll call 911 and then we'll leave out the back. Hurry!"

Kate could feel herself being dragged along what sounded like broken glass but her head felt too woozy so she decided to sleep it off.

When Kate woke, the blinding light sent her head into shockwaves of pain. It was like she was being attacked by electricity.

"Oh. Sorry, let me get those." Rick got up from the chair and turned off the lights, so only the faint glow of sunlight shined in the room.

"Who is there? Better yet where am I?" She felt she was in the hospital due to the antiseptic smell. She knew it was true when she realized she had an I.V. in her left arm.

"It's me, Rick. Do you not remember me? Oh God, memory loss?" He continued to panic, and as much as she would love to tease him, her head couldn't take it.

"Rick, I don't have memory loss. My head, what the hell?" She tried to sit up in the bed but her head, which felt like it weighed tons, pulled her back down.

"Don't try to sit up. Just lay back and rest." He came by her side and the sunlight cast a warm, golden, shadow across his face.

She was mesmerized by how the sunlight enhanced his strong features. His jaw line was nice and tight. His eyes shimmered with affection. His lips turned ever so slightly upward in a corky smile, meant just for her. His hair seemed radiated. Even through all the pain she was feeling, she wanted him.

"Come here." Once he was close enough to reach, she pulled him down on her and kissed him with the intensity that almost knocked him over on top of her, completely. When he reached his hand on her head, she pulled away.

"Ow."

"Sorry, I forgot your head." He was still being clung to by her right hand on his shirt.

"It's ok. Just be careful, don't touch the head." She smiled reassuringly so he wouldn't worry he had caused her more pain.

"So, anywhere else is fine?" His hands roamed the tops of her blankets and she released his shirt, sending him backward.

"Still not that kind of girl. But you are tempting." Even though her face was hidden in the darkness, she knew he could feel her teasing smile.

"You can't do that to me. Not fair." He slid his hand in hers and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

"Has the doctor come to see me?"

"A while ago, but I can get him for you." Rick stood but she pulled him back down in his chair.

"How long have you been here?"

"Since I found out. Your mom was called, she went to your place to get a change of clothes."

"So naturally, you found out. So you have stayed with me the entire time?"

"Yeah. I was not going to leave you." She pulled him into another kiss but took it slow this time.

"Can you get the doctor for me?"

"Sure." He kissed her hand and left to find her doctor.

When the door opened, the abrupt light sent her head into overdrive. The last thing she could remember was going to Kyler Stone's sister's place, walking through the door, and then hitting glass. _Yeah. Glass shattered. Then they said some things. A woman and a man. Must be Kyler and his sister. Then I was dragged. Then, that's it. What the hell happened to my head?_

"Nice to see you awake Detective Beckett. My name is Dr. Lionel. You know why you're here?"

"I got injured?"

The doctor chuckled. "Well, to say the least, yes you were. You must have fallen or was hit with something glass. I had to pull shards of glass from your scalp. That is why you have stitches and a bandage. The cuts on your arms should heal nicely. They're not too deep, no need to worry. We are going to keep you overnight because you have a concussion, but don't worry, tomorrow you will be free to go. Any questions?"

"Not really. Other than, medicine?"

"Right, pain. I'll send the nurse in."

"Thank you Dr. Lionel."

Once he left she raised her right hand to feel the bandage on the back of her head. Then she tried to see her arms but couldn't. "Rick, flip the lights."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." The fluorescent lights killed her eyes the minute they were on but she strained to see her cuts. The doctor was right, they weren't bad but they still existed.

Rick came by and tried to assess her emotions. "Kate? Are you ok?"

She looked up through squinted eyes at his concerned face and nodded. "I'll be fine Rick. Hazards of the job. Plus, it could be worse." She placed her hands back on her lap.

The nurse came in with a cup of water and a Vicodin pill. Kate took them immediately and rested her head back. She was joyful that once the nurse left, she was left with Rick alone.

"You should feel better soon." He rejoined his seat next to her bed. He pointed to the overhead lights but she shook her head.

"Leave them on, I can see better." She tossed him a quick smile to confirm she wanted to see him better.

"If you want me to leave, too bad. I am staying with you until you leave." He slid his hand through the bar on the hospital bed, and wrapped his hand in hers.

"Where are you going to sleep? You can't expect me to be ok with you sleeping in that chair."

When he didn't answer, she got heated. "Richard Edgar Castle! You listen here, I am telling you, no better yet, I am ordering you to get proper sleep! I will see you tomorrow so you can leave."

"Listen here Kathryn, wait I don't know your middle name. What is it?"

"Louie."

"Louie?"

"Yes. My dad was a big fan of Louie Armstrong. Is that a problem?" She threw him a look that said he'd better not mess with her.

"No. I like it. Ok, so where was I? Oh, Kathryn Louie," he raised his eyebrows and she shot him a _watch it _look, "Beckett, I am not leaving your side until you leave tomorrow morning! No arguments, I win!"

"No you don't!"

"I argue for a living, I think I'll win this one. Mind as well throw in the towel." He relaxed back into his chair and cast a smug, _so sure of himself_ smile her way.

She really didn't want him to leave and she wasn't up to arguing, her head couldn't take it. She wasn't giving in but she decided to let him think so. It was very important that he stayed.

"Fine, you win. But don't expect it to happen all the time."

"Oh, we'll see." He rose from his chair and leaned down towards her until his lips sank onto hers. He ran his hands, where he could reach, careful not to touch her head.

She slid her hands through his hair and pushed into his kiss. They would have kept it going but the sound of a clearing throat caught their attention.

He retreated back to his chair and she fixed her gown which he must have tugged on while they were, well you know.

"There are a couple of people who would like to see you. Should I bring them in?"

"Who?"

"Cops."

_Espo and Ryan. _She turned to Rick and freaked, they couldn't know they were dating.

"Ok. Give me a minute then send them in."

The nurse complied and left.

Kate's head jerked to the right so fast, she gripped her head in pain.

"Kate? Do you need the nurse?"

"No. I need you to hide." She caught his sullen look and tried to explain. "I don't want them finding out like this. Please. Hide for me."

Rick looked around, "Where?"

Kate's eyes locked on the closet, he followed her line of sight and shook his head. "No way am I shoving myself in a closet."

"I would for you." The pleading look she gave him, was hung on him. He couldn't say no, not now.

"Fine. But next time, you are in my closet." He slid in and just as she was about to respond with a flirty comeback, they came in.

"So, we are out working hard and you decide to hide off in a hospital? Cold Kate. Very cold." Esposito came next to her and sat in the chair Rick had occupied seconds ago.

"Are you ok? We're running an A.P.B. on Kyler and his sister." Ryan sat on the edge of the bed and noticed her confused face. "Well, you were out of it but you gave us a name and we put it together. Don't worry, just get better."

"I'm fine. It's just a lame concussion, be back tomorrow. Thank you guys."

"Need anything?"

"No. She does not. She is fine, sleep it off, see you tomorrow." Esposito stood and patted her right arm.

"Want us to stay?" Ryan was hesitant to leave. Esposito shook his head, he didn't understand what Ryan was so worried about.

"No. I was actually getting a little sleepy. But thank you Ryan."

"Anytime." He patted her leg then got up from the bed.

They both left and she waved goodbye. She waited a good minute then told Rick it was safe.

"Talk about confined spaces." He shook off his shirt as if he caught something while in the closet.

"Thank you for doing that for me." She smiled adoringly at him and he sat next to her in bed.

"Yeah, well, your welcome." He kissed her again then snapped back.

"What's wrong?" She sprang up in bed, which was a bad move, her head sure felt it and a flash of pain shot through her skull.

"Sorry. I am just hungry. Are you hungry?" He was starving.

"I guess. We never did get to have our date."

"Yeah. Well, I can go pick something up then come back if you want. Sure, it won't be as we planned but who cares."

"I was all dressed up and well, here we are."

"I saw those clothes in the closet." His smile turned upward and he nodded his head approvingly. "You owe me those later. But I have to say," He leaned back and put on a thinker face, "this ensemble really works for you."

Not being able to hold back her laughter, Kate indulged him. She couldn't decide what was funnier, his face he made or his comment on the situation. "Yeah, hospital gowns with a peeping back are all the rage." She picked up her gown and shook it for him.

"Now what is it I hear about a peeping back? I would like to see that feature."

"You can."

"Really?" His eyes scanned her eagerly.

She loved teasing him and getting him all riled up. "Sure, I hear someone walking down the halls right now. Go check it out." She grinned devilishly at him.

"Not funny. No teasing." He rose off the bed and kissed her once again then headed to pick them up dinner.

"Hey? Kate?" Johanna stood over Kate's bed rubbing her face gently.

"Mom?" Kate opened her eyes ever so slightly and caught her mom's worried look of concern.

"Honey, I brought you a change of clothes, they are in the closet. I also brought you your brush and a hair tie for tomorrow. Is there anything else I can get you?"

Kate sat up in bed and scooted over so her mother could sit and join her. "No."

"Have you eaten?"

"Rick is picking up food." Kate realized it, too late. She had slipped and her mom was too smart to not know what was going on. But Johanna wanted to hear Kate say it.

"You and Rick are?"

"Don't look so happy."

"But I am, come on Kathryn, tell me." She leaned closer as if she knew they were already keeping it a secret.

"Yes. We're dating. But don't freak out and you can't tell anyone."

"Oh honey, relax. I wouldn't tell a soul. I am just happy for you two." Johanna leaned and tugged her daughter in for a hug.

The noise through the door was anything but quiet even though that was what Richard had planned on being.

"Sorry, if I am interrupting I can go."

Johanna turned around to look at him, then winked at Kate. "No. I was just dropping off a clean set of clothes. Bye sweetheart."

"I'll call you tomorrow mom. I love you."

"Love you too."

Rick pulled her bedside table up to her and lowered it, so he could set her food in front of her.

"Here is your burger, fries, and of course, your strawberry milkshake."

"Thank you, really." She already was drinking her shake. "What did you get?"

"The same. It looked so good, I had to get it." He pulled his chair closer but she lowered the bar down on her right side and slid over to the left of her bed.

"If you don't try any funny business you can stay here," she patted the spot to her right, "tonight."

His eyes seemed ahead of his mouth. He smiled so wide like he had just won a prize. "I promise I won't but, I'll be happy to let you spank me if I misbehave." He scooted next to her and they ate their dinner side by side.

The date did not go as planned but what Kate and Rick proved that night was, that it didn't matter where they ate, when they ate, or what they ate, just being together was good enough.


	15. Chapter 15

Ch. 15 The Truth to the Tale

"So, he is in there now?" Kate stood at her desk, waiting for Detective Esposito to catch her up.

"His sister is in Interrogation 3 and he is in 1. Who do you want to take first?"

"I'll take the sister first then him." Kate opened the door and Sandra Stone's expression became one of terror.

"Oh god. I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Her brown eyes reminded Kate of a scared child.

"Ms. Stone we aren't here for what happened to me. I am here to find out what happened to Mason." Kate sat down across from her and gave Sandra a stony expression, the same one she uses during every interrogation.

"I am not in trouble for, you know?" She pointed to Kate's head.

"I want to know why you left or better yet why I was attacked."

"That was Kyler, he freaked, it was an accident, I swear. Kyler wouldn't hurt a soul."

"I find that hard to believe but ok. Now why would Kyler threaten a Professor Keys after Mason had died?" _I am not here for me, I speak for Mason, she thought._

Sandra became confused. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Kyler didn't tell you that he blamed Professor Keys for Mason's death?" Kate had her notepad ready to take notes and also had Kyler's file of complaints from NYU.

"No. Kyler felt that, that stupid program they were working on got him killed. And it did."

"How?"

"Someone approached Mason about the program he was working on, Mason had no idea what they were talking about. That same day Professor Keys asked him to join a project. Mason didn't like it but he did it. He thought he was helping people. But when he found out who the program was for, he quit. Professor Keys was pissed. He threatened Kyler."

"Why would Professor Keys ask him after someone else? Who asked Mason about the program first?"

"I don't know but Kyler told me, he tells me everything."

"Sandra how did you know about this other guy?" Kate had her pen poised.

"Kyler was with Mason. Those two are like brothers. Were like brothers." Her eyes became filled with tears and she swiped them away as fast as she could.

"When did Professor Keys make this threat to Kyler?"

"A day before Mason died. Mason was angry so he went to talk to Professor Keys. That was the last time we saw him."

"We?"

"Kyler and I. Kyler asked him to not do anything. But Mason was so protective. People think that just because Kyler is schizophrenic that he is not worth it. Not Mason. He stuck up for my brother and watched out for him. They spent hours on the computer together. They worked on that program every night."

"Wait. Kyler worked on the program with Mason?" _Not Erik?_

"Yeah. They always went to their _man cave. _Or at least that's what they called it."

"So, Kyler has access to the program?"

"Yeah. We thought that guy was coming in, that's why Kyler attacked you. Our apartment was broken into. Nothing was taken. But Kyler was certain it was the same man that talked to Mason about the program."

_The program that got him killed, Kate thought._

"Thank you Sandra. Now I need to know something. Where were you on October 26th at 8:30 A.M.?"

"At work. I work from 6 till closing at 11. You can check."

"I will."

"So, Kyler?"

"I am sorry about knocking you out, I thought you were him." Kyler looked dazed and strung out.

"Kyler have you had your meds today?" Kate sat across from him and leaned back in her chair.

"Yes. Look, I didn't kill Mason, I couldn't."

"Where were you October 26th at 8:30 A.M.?"

"At Mason's uploading the last file. It is time stamped, you can check. Mason had just left to talk to Keys and he told me to go ahead and finish it."

"I would love to check it but I can't get in. Kyler, why don't you tell me about this program."

"Mason wasn't going to do it when the first guy asked him but he trusted Keys. I didn't. That man was no good but if Mason thought he was helping someone, he did it. But basically, the program allows access into whatever system it hooks up to. All the computers we had was for testing it. We crashed a lot at first but Mason fixed it. I can get in to show you."

"Maybe but first, why didn't you trust Professor Keys?"

"I saw him with that guy. They were working together. Mason must have found out and they killed him."

"If we get a sketch artist in here, you think you could describe him?"

"Yeah."

"Now you said you helped Mason with the project. Did you also work with Erik Clemons?"

"Clemons? Yeah, Mason was helping him. He was part of the project."

"Did you guys work well?"

"Ok, I guess. Erik was pissed that Mason trusted me more. As it is, Mason only allowed him to make the drops to the professor."_Erik wasn't making anonymous drops, he was giving them to the professor. But why have the secret meetings and the secret drops if Mason was helping the professor, she thought._

Kate was busy taking notes while trying to follow where her head and ears were going. "Mason didn't trust him with the backups?"

"What backups? Mason only had the one backup he kept in his journal. Do you have that by the way? I would love to have it. He kept everything in there."

"Don't you have the journal?"

"No. I went looking for it but I couldn't find it. I could swear Mason left it in our cave. But when I went back there for it, it was gone."

"Kyler, why did Mason have pictures of other students?" Kate had the itch to get to her desk and white board and share all the new information she had.

"Those, I took. They were all the students tied to the project. Mason was very careful. Do you want me to open the program?"

"First will you work with a sketch artist?" Kate stood up and held the door open a little.

"Yeah."

"Sandra's alibi checks out, Kyler is working with Kenny to unlock the program and the sketch is out for all to see. I want to talk to Erik again. He wasn't being so truthful." Kate had her memo pad poised and full.

"I thought you might want to talk to someone else." Esposito pointed to the elevators.

When Kate turned to take the sight in, her face was shock stricken. "Is that Niclas Amsel?"

"The one and only. He decided to cooperate. You want him?" But before she had a chance to answer, she was already out of her chair and headed to the interrogation room.

"Mr. Amsel, you know why you are here?" She sat down prepared to get some answers.

"I did something wrong I bet." He leaned in his chair to relax knowing exactly how this went. "It's not my first time." His German accent was thick and heavy but understandable.

"Why were you wandering around Mason Wells apartment?"

"I was doing no such thing."

"Security cameras, got to love them. They don't lie. So, why don't you answer my question?" Kate's eyes blazed with certainty.

"He had something of mine." His sneer he gave made her more heated.

"Yours or your bosses?"

"What do you want?"

"To know why you and your partner were working for Aldagar and why Mason was involved."

Niclas leaned forward and Kate noticed the sweat that beat across his forehead. He was nervous and she was ready to take advantage.

"Mason, he needed persuading. That was taken care of, not by me or my partner or my boss. He had the program and it was ours. The little worm didn't give it up, so we went to get it, nothing else."

"If not you, who?"

"Talk to my boss." He fell back into his chair to relax as if he had the upper hand.

"I chose to talk to you so why don't you tell me."  
"My partner, it was the first time working with him. He is a new hire. We were sent to get the program that my boss paid for but never got. That is all. We didn't know the punk was dead until a few days after we saw the cops poking around. That is the truth and I am done."

Kate was done too. She got all she needed from him. He was telling the truth, she could feel it. Besides when she was at Mason's apartment, they were talking as if they didn't know he was dead. _But who broke into Sandra's? The sketch guy? Aldagar? Professor Keys? Erik?_

Kate was rubbing her eyes when Detective Esposito came up to her desk.

"Why don't you head home?"

"No, not when there is so much to do." She picked up some files she had on her desk and glanced over her memo pad.

"You aren't going to get anything done with your eyes glazed over like that. Go home Beckett. Nail them tomorrow."

As much as she hated it, her head was starting to hurt and she wasn't going to get anyone else tonight. A fresh start and a little bit of Rick is what she needed.

"I can't not worry. His life is in my hands, Rick!" Kate was pacing her living room while trying to keep her emotions in check.

"I get it but don't be so dramatic about it." Rick knew the second after he said it, it was going to backfire.

"Dramatic? What the hell?! I thought out of everyone I know, you'd understand!" Kate knocked over a book on one or her little tables and cursed under her breath.

"I do understand and I'm sorry I said that. It came out wrong." Rick was gripping is phone, with sweaty palms, trying to undo what he started.

"How did you want it to come out?"

"Better." He laughed and her laugh was clear through the phone.

"It's just, I am all the hope Mason has left. I don't want to let him down." She sat down on her brown couch, letting it swallow her in.

"You could never let anyone down. Kate, I know you better than I know myself sometimes, I know ; you don't give up, you fight for the victim, and I know you care just as much for the living as you do for the dead."

"How?" She was stunned that he could read her like an open book. _I thought I put my walls up. How did he get in?_

"Easy, compassion. You are the most compassionate, understanding, sweetest, and most loving person I have ever met." Rick could hear her little puff of breath over the phone and he wished he could hold her. But he knew even if he was right next to her, she wouldn't let him hug her. She would come to him.

"How do we be this close in such a short time?" Kate was skeptic. She didn't doubt the strength of their bond neither did she deny it was real. It was hard for her to understand that it was happening, she was witnessing it. Better yet, she was a part of it.

"I don't know. But it's there. Why? Do you not trust it?" Rick hoped that wasn't the case. _I'm even holding back saying I love you, he thought._

"Of course I trust it. I've never questioned it."

"No, you just did. Do you feel we rushed it?"

"No. Do you?" Kate jumped off the sofa and stood anxiously. She was never worried about them but she could feel a piece of her wall sliding tighter together.

"No." Rick wasn't sure, he just hoped she wouldn't hear his uncertainty in his voice.

"Are you lying?" Kate tensed up and could feel the fire of anger slowly burning her up.

"Kate,"

The pause was a match thrown on her fire and without thinking, she let go. The fire slid over her arms, down her legs, across her chest, and stopped at the armor over her heart.

"You think we rushed it! No, you think I rushed it! If you don't want it, fine!"

"You know that's not true!"

"Do I? I thought I did. But it is. _I _don't lie! Forget it, forget me!"

"Kate, don't do this!"

"I don't want to rush you anymore! Goodbye Rick." She clicked off her phone so she wouldn't hear if he called back. She chucked her phone on her couch and went over to her record player. She started flipping through her vinyl not connecting to anything. She stopped the search and grabbed her guitar.

"I wanted to hold this. I've let so many good things slip, but I thought I was different. I couldn't handle the strength. I let go and you took what you wanted. Now I feel burned. The fire has died and left me scarred. I wanted myself to surrender. I've failed once again. It's my fault that I've let you and I, get broken." The soft pain in her voice carried her through the song but now it cracked.

She lay her guitar beside her and pulled her beige pillow close to her chest. The small tears became heavy when the truth sank in.

_I overreacted. I was just stressed, my head hurt and I messed it up. I just broke up with a man I am in love with. I was just scared and he won't know that, any of it. It's all my fault._

A/N: chelseamariec (real author) wrote the song. We love reviews


	16. Chapter 16

Ch. 16 Closing Time

The dark circles under Kate's eyes were alarming to her. She had tossed and turned all last night. She couldn't help but think of Richard and what she said to him.

But right now, standing in front of her mirror, her top priority was getting back to Mason.

She grabbed her cover-up and made a silent plea, it would work its magic. She didn't want anyone noticing her lack of sleep or clear pain she held behind her eyes.

Once her cover-up job was complete, she was left pale. Her face looked sunken in and her mouth was upturned in a painful grimace. She threw on blush and mascara and went to get dressed. She was moving as if in a sleepwalking state. Things were just floating by, unnoticed.

All the clothes in her closet bothered her. She could feel the scratchiness of her sweaters and the stiffness of her pressed, cotton shirts. Looking at her dress pants left her with a compressed feeling. She grabbed her red sweater and slid on a pair of black, dress pants. She pulled on her ankle boots then turned to her image in her full-length mirror.

The Kate that was staring back at her was a hollowed out shell compared to the real Kate. The Kate full of life. She almost cried out in horror. Her body looked withered and sickly thin, as if the tears she'd shed took parts of her away. Her face was empty and fakely colored. Her lips were drawn tight and her cheeks pulled themselves in. Her eyes held pain like she'd never experienced before.

She pulled her shoulders back and headed to the one place she always fit in.

Once Kate arrived at the precinct, she caught the eyes of passing cops. This time she wasn't being admired, she was being pitied.

She was safely seated at her desk before Esposito even dared make contact.

She looked up when he pulled a chair next to her desk.

"Want to tell me why you look like you could join the walking dead?"

"Bad night."

"I'll say. Now what the hell has gotten into you? You get distracted, you get tired, and now you look dead?"

"A lot ok. I don't need you punishing me for it." Hey dead eyes stared into his and he coiled at her stare.

"This is not you. So whatever you have going on fix it. Because the Kate I know, ran better than a fine oiled machine. She wasn't half gone. I'm only telling you this to get your fire back in you." He pulled away so she had no way of answering him back.

She knew he was right. Kate saw it that morning. Hiding away and locking up her feelings was never a problem, not until she met Rick. He changed her and when she tried fighting it, this is where it landed her.

She was unfocused and was left without her signature spitfire. She was going to fix it, she had no choice. She couldn't avoid it even if she wanted to.

With that decision in mind, Kate turned her focus to her white board.

Staring at the white board gave her a feel of satisfaction. Knowing that the answer was right there in front of her eyes made her giddy. _Dig, she thought. It's here somewhere. _Everyone knew to leave her alone with her board. It was a system that never failed her.

When Esposito tapped her on her shoulder, she was nearly startled.

"I have a visitor."

Kate didn't need to be told who was the visitor, she made the call.

"Erik, I just have a few more questions that I hope you can answer."

Erik sat down on the couch across from her. "I'll do whatever I can."

"Thank you. Ok, first, why did you tell me there were backups when Mason had the only backup?" She saw recognition in his eyes before they went cold.

"Because there were."

"No there wasn't. Want to tell me why you lied?"

"I didn't lie. There were backups just not ones Mason knew about."

_Gotcha, she thought._

"You made your own copies? Why?"

"The professor came to me and asked me to get them. No big deal."

"Actually yes it is. Can you tell me where Mason's journal is?"

"No. I told you that it was missing, why would I tell you it was missing if I had it?"

"To cover your tracks. Excuse me if I don't trust you completely. You made the drops that weren't so secret to Professor Keys?"

"Yeah."

"Why did he need the backups?"

"I don't know but I only did it because he paid me. Look, I didn't kill Mason."

"Now why can't I believe that?" Kate leaned forward and enjoyed making progress in Mason's case.

"Ok. I was getting paid by Keys to make copies and bring them to him later on. Mason and Kyler were to never know, and I kept it that way. I met with Mason a few times because he was scared he was being followed. We talked about the program, that's it."

"Who was Keys working with?"

"I don't know, really. I am telling you the truth."

There was a tap on the door and Ryan popped his head in. "Detective?"

Kate stepped out and made her way to the Interrogation room.

"Professor Keys?" She scanned over her notepad then sat down across from him.

"Detective why am I here?"

"I think you know why. Why were you paying Erik for copies of the program Mason was working on?"

"For insurance. You see, it's a very important program."

"I'm sure. Did you know Kyler was also working on the program?"

"No. Mason was the one behind it. I met with Erik when he dropped them off, no Kyler whatsoever."

"Sure you didn't. So, you didn't break in to Kyler's apartment?"

The flash in his eyes was all she needed to see when she realized she had him.

"Now why would I do that?"

"To scare him off. Make him so crazy that I'd have no choice but to assume he had went off his meds. Great idea too. Make him even more paranoid."

"I think you're fishing Detective."

"No I'm not. Where is Mason's journal?"

"His what?"

"The journal he kept everything in, including the original copy of the program." Kate pushed up her sleeves as a sign of letting him know she was ready to fight.

"I didn't know anything about this journal."

"Another lie, you just can't be honest with me now. Can you? I am sure his journal with everything he had to say was just too important to leave behind. Wasn't it?"

The silence he offered was more assurance than his words could offer.

"Let me just paint you a picture. You were surprised when Mason showed up to defend Kyler. You thought you had taken care of Kyler. What with the break in and the threat but no, Mason was very protective of his friend. Mason figured out that you were skimping on the side, he quit working for you, not a problem, you had Erik. But Erik was of no help, like you said 'Mason was the genius'. So when Mason showed up to defend his friend, you argued."

"I could have set him up. But no, all he cared about was that fucking crazy kid. I needed him."

"Right, he didn't trust you."

"That weasel brainwashed him."

"No! That was your job!" Kate stood up and leaned onto the table.

"I need to take my insulin. Please, I am diabetic."

_You too? _Kate watched him give himself his medicine and noticed an empty vial.

"You shot him up that day didn't you?" Kate made eye contact with his needle.

"What?"

"Mason was killed by an insulin overdose, but you already knew that didn't you?"

"It wasn't my fault! Aldagar made me."

"Oh please."

"No it is true. I promised him the program before I had Mason on board, when he found out Mason was through, he took him out."

"No."

"Yes."

"You tried to get Erik to finish it. He couldn't. Aldagar came looking for you. You were on the line, not Mason. Did you set Kyler up knowing Mason would come to his aid?"

"He was always so quick to have that boy's back. It was the only way. He came all fired up. Saying I was working for someone else, how I better stop messing with Kyler."

"He came just trying to help you, you had to go and ruin it."

"He was such a nice kid but so stupid. I had no choice, he knew too much."

Kate stepped back from the table, looked Professor Keys in the face, and silently told Mason to rest in peace.

There was something she still had to do.

When Aldagar was ushered in, in handcuffs, cheers ran through the precinct. Kate handed him off and nodded to Ryan and Esposito.

"Cold. Guy just having his brother's back."

"Keys shot him up, called Aldagar, Aldagar and his new hire stashed his body, and had Mason's journal taken."

"I just can't believe Keys was selling it off to this guy." Esposito dropped one of the crime scene photos in Mason's box.

"He owed him money, next best thing, this program. Just think, if it wasn't for Kyler, we might have never gotten Keys or Aldagar."

"Al?" Richard stopped shuffling his papers and gave his full attention to his sister.

"It's me. I have something exciting to tell you!"

"Well go ahead and spill."

"I get to see you, Dr. Lite said I can have visitors. She also said I am improving at a real fast pace. I can see you!" Alexis was shouting in the hall and didn't care how many looks she received.

"I can't believe it! So I can come see you later, as in today?"

"Whenever you want to, just call ahead! Isn't this great, Ricky?"

"Sure is. I have so much to tell you."


	17. Chapter 17

Ch. 17 Lean On Me

"So, you're doing really good then?" Richard leaned back in the plush chair that was in Alexis's room.

"Yeah. Dr. Lite is really proud of me. I just can't believe I can only get a half hour." The disappoint was clear on her face. Her blue eyes were sparkling the minute she saw him and was let down when she realized their visit was timed. She was completely surprised.

"Don't let time be on your mind or you won't enjoy this time." He scooted the chair closer to Alexis, who was perched on her bed, leaning against the wall.

"Tell me how you and Gates are doing?" Alexis laid down on her stomach and held her head up by her hands.

"We are getting along and she is really helping." He was nervous how much to indulge, which was making him feel guilty considering Alexis has been completely open.

"Rick, are you ok?"

"Yeah. Why would you ask?" He tried to unforrow his brow and relax his facial muscles.

"Because I am not stupid. Something has you nervous. What is it?" She nodded her head for him to go on.

Rick sat up straighter and took a deep breath then proceeded to ease his burdens. "I don't blame myself anymore. Dr. Gates has helped me realize none of it was my fault. I am free of that, at least."

"So, you are ok about what happened to me?" Alexis was a little distressed by the sudden news.

"No. I am very angry about that! I just stopped blaming myself." He got up and sat next to Alexis on the bed.

"I haven't come to terms yet, you're further along than me. You're winning." She pulled herself away from him and backed up to the headboard.

"This isn't a contest, it's about us healing. Alexis, these things take time. Not everyone goes through it as fast as others." He tried to get closer but the vibes he was getting from her were telling him not to push.

Her face that was bruised suddenly flashed to one of delight. "Tell me how your life is going. Anything new?"

He was confused about the fast flip-flop but dismissed it as a change of subject. "Nothing really."

"Oh, come on. You don't really think you can fool me, do you? Who is she?"

His head popped up in marvel at how clued in Alexis was. Or was he that easy to read? No, he wasn't easy.

"What are you talking about?"

"There is a woman in your life, I know it." Her face was held in certainty proving her stance that no matter what he said she wouldn't change her mind.

"How do you know?"

"Call it woman's intuition." She smiled and went on. "Come on, tell me, please." She dropped her baby blue eyes into her brother's weakness: puppy dog face.

"You can't do that to me, you know I always fold." His eyes were scrunched and his mouth was held tight; he was trying so hard not to spill. He lost when her lip quivered.

"Ok. I will tell you." His face relaxed and she celebrated her victory.

"Works every time!" She smiled from ear to ear.

"Ok, stop or I won't tell you." She immediately dropped her hands that were raised in the air in celebration. "Ok, her name is Kate. Was Kate."

"Was?"

"She broke up with me. Last night actually."

"Why? What did you do?"

"Excuse me? Me? How do you know it was my fault?" His blue eyes sparkled in anticipation.

"Because you have a way of messing up in the softest ways. Like, not answering a question right away means you are in doubt. What happened?"

"Just that. She thought I said that she rushed our relationship."

"Did she?" Alexis scooted an inch away from the headboard to get closer to his dirty details.

"No." He wiped away his negative thinking that was telling him she did. He thought about it all night. He was wrong, he did blame her. Sure she overreacted but he pushed her to.

"Then why did you tell her she did?" Alexis scooted closer again.

"I don't know. I was scared she wasn't certain but it was her that made sure I knew she was in it." His head popped up as if he just realized that he did screw it all up. By not answering, he did. He didn't want that to be their last conversation. But how would she feel about talking to him again? Again, he could answer for her: she loved him. He knew now, was certain of it. He was so lost in thought, that he didn't notice when Alexis scooted off the bed and was now standing in front of him.

"I have to go now." She looked down at him with an amused grin on her face.

"What? Where?" He watched her head turn to the direction of her door.

"I have an appointment, besides our time is up." She held out her hand to him and he flashed back to when Kate did that the first time they met. He missed her. He loved her. He had to tell her no matter what the repercussions turned out to be.

"Ok. Sorry I spent all our time talking about me." He took her hand and let her pull him up and into her arms.

"It's ok. We'll talk again. I think you should tell Kate you love her. And I would love to meet her." She talked into his ear until he pulled her out in front of him.

"How did you know I loved her?"

"You have to ask?" She smiled an all knowing smile and hugged him again.

He followed her out the door and hugged and said his goodbyes one last time.

"Alexis, the last time we talked you said that you were ready to tell me how your parents passed away. Are you still ready?"

"Yes. If my brother is getting better, I want to too." Her face held a childlike quality that it lacked.

"I am glad to see your spirits are up. I assume the visit was something you needed?"

"Yeah. I missed him and he told me how good he was doing and how he has met someone and I want that. I don't want my addiction to rule my life. I don't want it to limit me."

"There is a drive in you, Alexis. I am glad to see that. So, why don't you go ahead and tell me what happened."

"I was getting ready for a dance recital. I was the swan princess and I couldn't stop bouncing around in my tutu. It was all white and was sparkly. I remember how my mom spent every free minute gluing more sparkles on. We were running late and I was rushing everyone. We finally left and I was in the backseat with Rick and I leaned closer to my dad and mom. I was in the middle of them and I kept telling my dad to hurry it up. I didn't want to be late. He looked back to tell me not to worry. I never saw the car coming, no one did. One minute, it wasn't there, the next, we were spinning. The car skidded and flipped. My brother and I were barely hurt, scratches, a couple broken bones, no problem. But my parents," Alexis dropped her head and tears streamed down her face in a rush. They had been bottled up and now her dam broke.

"Alexis, is that why you think you killed your parents? Because you wanted them to hurry?"

Alexis nodded and sniffled but made no attempt to speak.

"That was not your fault, it was the driver's. You did not cause the accident. You should not feel bad about living when your parents did not get to."

"Yes I should. The worse, the driver got away with no charges. They said it was my dad's fault. It was not! He ran a red light and ran into us!"

"Alexis, now that you don't blame yourself, you can not go back."

"I just," her little breaths were troubling, struggling to get ahold of themselves. "I just hurt so bad. I want to go back, not rush them, I want to say I am sorry. I didn't mean to distract my dad." Her face was streaked with warm tears and her nose was puffy. You could see the innocence lost in her face. It was something that was kept away, out of sight, for so long it was a stranger to herself.

"It's not your fault. Repeat that to yourself until you believe it. It is true, you know it in your heart. It is not wrong to not feel guilty because you shouldn't."

"How come?" She leaned for a tissue than tucked herself back into the chair.

"Because it's how it goes. You did nothing wrong." Dr. Lite felt the lightness that exuded from Alexis. "I think that is enough for now. Your group members need you now but why don't you take a few minutes for yourself then go to the meeting."

"Thank you." Alexis stood up and reached out her shaky palm for the doctor.

"Alexis, thank yourself."

"I will but now, I am thanking you." She still held her hand out and Dr. Lite leaned to accept it.

"Good job." She smiled and squeezed Alexis's hand.

"What would you like to talk about today, Richard?" Dr. Gates crossed her right leg over her left and placed her memo pad evenly across her lap.

"I don't know. Have anything in mind?" Richard twiddled his thumbs that were resting in his lap. His head was down and the sun shining through the window made his hair glow golden.

"Well, last time we talked about Kate."

His hands stopped twiddling and his head raised up in attention. "I did?"

"Yes, you did. How are things?"

"We didn't talk about my parents?" This was all news to Richard. _I must talk about her and not even realize I am. Wow, he thought._

"No. Not for a week. Did you not notice?" Dr. Gates's black hair fell across her back in a business matter; straight and proper. She made a little note on her memo pad without disturbing the silence.

"I guess I didn't. Well, there isn't much to talk about now that we broke up."

"You did? Tell me about that."

"Uh, I accused her of rushing the relationship and she overreacted."

"Did she rush it?"

"No. I felt the same way she did. I don't know why I said she did."

"Richard, you said she overreacted?" Dr. Gates held her glasses in her right hand and up under her chin.

"Yeah she is a little spitfire." He smiled and pictured her cute tense face.

"That didn't make you angry?"

"No, it did."

"Then why did you smile?"

"It's one of the things I love about her. She gets all serious and tense. It's cute." He smiled again and was completely unaware of what he was really saying.

"You love that about her but you got angry at her for doing something you love her to do?" Gates held a confused face that forced Richard to think.

"I guess I did. That's not fair. So it was my fault. But why did she flare up like that?"

"Maybe she was keeping her self guarded, maybe she has been hurt badly before. You ever stop and think why she was nervous to tell you how she felt?"

"No, I never gave it a chance."

"Here is what I think: she keeps her emotions in check because of her job, she finally opens up to you probably after being left broken a bit, she freaked out on you when you blamed her for rushing into something that was already scary for her to admit to herself let alone you, and she is missing you just as much as you miss her. Did you tell her you love her?"

"No. By the way, you kind of nailed her head on. How come I didn't see that? You think I should tell her?"

"Yes."

"What if she doesn't want to talk to me. What if she doesn't feel the same?"

"Do you honestly believe that she doesn't love you?"

"I guess not."

"What do you want Rick?"

"For us to be together." He seemed sure and ready to go.

"Then make it happen." Gates looked at her clock and capped her pen.

"All done?" Richard got up from the couch and smiled.

"For today. Go do what you have to do and don't be scared to."

"Thanks." Richard shook her hand and left the office a changed man. He realized everything that Gates said about Kate was true. It wasn't easy for her to open up and when she did, he shut her down. He was determined to fix it.

"Oh, Richard?" Martha called after him as he walked by.

He retreated back to stand in front of her.

"Someone is waiting in your office, pretty girl. I told her you would be back soon, to just go ahead."

"You what? How long has she been in there?" He peeked around the corner as if he could see who it was.

"Only ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?" He ran to his office but stopped once he reached his door. He took a deep breath to calm himself down, then opened the door.

"Sorry you had to wait. How can I help you?" He turned to face the person sitting in the chair across from his desk and stopped in his tracks. "Kate, what do you want?"

"You."


	18. Chapter 18

Ch. 18 I Hope This Gets To You

"What do you mean?" Richard made his way to his seat and gave her his full attention.

"I made a mistake, I overreacted. You didn't do anything wrong. I just get that way." She was going to spill everything to him like word vomit but had to hold her composure so she didn't cry. She turned her eyes back on him and continued to open up. "I have been so scared to let anyone in, I have always been like that. I mean, you were the first person I have ever let in besides my dad. I just got scared that you would leave me like my mom did. I know that's childish but it's true. When I get scared, I run. I didn't want to run from you, I was so scared that I would get close and you'd run that I let myself build my wall back up." A fresh tear ran out of the corner of her eye and she bowed her head as it did.

"Kate, you didn't do anything wrong. I am so nervous of messing things up, I try not to have them. You can't mess up what you don't have. I pushed you away because I didn't want to mess it up. I did anyway. I am sorry. I am glad you let me in, I just wish I had done the same for you."

She picked her head up and her eyes were full of unescaped tears, that she was holding back to the best of her abilities.

"So what I am hearing is that we both have issues?"

"Yeah." He chuckled and then they both burst into laughter.

She held her stomach and leaned forward while her face started to get deeper shades of red.

Once their laughter seized, she got up from her seat and walked towards him. He wheeled away from his desk and spun until he faced her. He held out his hands to her and pulled her down, on his lap.

"Can I say I am so sorry. I am so sorry Castle." She rubbed her right hand across his cheek and into his hair.

"Only if I get to say I am sorry." He pulled her face into his with his right hand. He let his lips lock onto hers. He slid his left hand to grab the right side of her face and pulled her closer to him.

She scooted herself further into his lap and leaned all of herself into their kiss. She didn't want to pull away but she had to.

"Hey, why did you stop?" Richard was a little out of breath and that made her smile.

She rubbed her hand across his face again. "Are we, ok?"

He wrapped his hand over hers. "I wouldn't leave you. I would only leave if you wanted me to but even then, I would fight for you."

She smiled again then leaned down and gave him a long, tender, warm kiss that spread throughout hers and his entire body.

"I guess. But then I pick the next one." Kate was curled up into his couch, with his blanket, waiting for him to put in the movie.

He turned around so he could see her face. "You enjoying the view?" His eyebrows were jumping in an amusing way as he shook his rear end.

"I would enjoy the movie more." She laughed when his face drooped. "I was kidding."

He looked doubtful until she patted the couch next to her.

"Well, I trust you." He ran over to the couch and leaned back into it. He pulled his legs up then pulled her into his lap.

She leaned into his warm chest and smiled up at him. He leaned down and kissed her softly before turning his eyes to his big, flat screen T.V.

She continued to study his face. The crinkles in the corners of his eyes. The way his nose sometimes twitched. The best of all was his smile. It was so full of warmth and love.

She thought back to earlier that day at his office, it was after they had shared a very intense kiss, thinking about it now made blood rush to her face. They separated and held their foreheads together. He smiled, with a full grin, and told her he loved her.

She wasn't surprised but she was happy. She was full of emotion that she almost cried. It wasn't all that he said it that made her happy, it was also the feeling. She could feel it. Deep in her veins, they were woven together.

She simply smiled then kissed him. She whispered on his lips, "I love you too." Then she gave him another tender kiss.

Her mind jumped back to where they were now. She was snuggled up against him, with him holding her in his arms. The blanket was wrapped and tucked into both of them. Their empty wine glasses were in the sink from the dinner he made her at his apartment.

When she first saw his apartment she was dumbfounded. She thought it was going to be all fancy and classy but it was homey and comfy. The wood that ran through the apartment gave it a cabin feel. It felt warm and inviting, something she needed to feel.

He stood off to the side anxiously waiting for her opinion. He swayed back and forth on his feet while he let her take it all in.

"I love it. It's so comfy." She walked into the living room and sat on his couch.

"I'm glad you like it. But there is more!" He held out his hand to pull her up so she could follow him down the hall.

"So beautiful." Her eyes scanned the art that lined the hallway as he pulled her along.

"Here is my room." He pushed open the door and led her in.

Her eyes immediately fell in love with his room. His bed adorned brown and forest green bedding and his dresser was made of mahogany. Every piece of his furniture was mahogany. She felt like she had just stepped into a cabin up north rather than an apartment in TriBeCa.

She scanned the photos that dotted the walls here and there. She stopped in front of the one that lay on his nightstand next to a book he was reading. The picture was of a younger Rick and his sister and his parents.

He saw what she was looking at and made his way to her. "That was after her first recital. I was twelve here and she was seven. My dad made another parent take it, he was so proud." Richard smiled at the fond memory then backed away.

She followed him into his bathroom and realized that this is where the cabin feel vanished. The linoleum tile sparkled white. The step in shower was corner to a Jacuzzi style tub. She looked back at him in awe.

"I get bad back aches. Plus, I just love the jets." He gleamed with a childish delight at what he was inferring.

"Funny. Not happening." She rubbed her hands across his chest just to tease him, something she loved to do.

"Tease." He removed her hands then led her back down the hall and stopped in front of another door that had a big butterfly sticker on it.

"I take it that this is Alexis's room?"

"Yeah." He opened the door a little before she stopped him.

"You can't show me her room, it's hers. Her privacy. If she wants me to see then she can show me herself."

He beamed at her then closed the door the rest of the way. "She is going to love you."

Kate dropped her head in shyness. She pulled her hair over her eyes until his hand pushed it back.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head that was still lowered and he pulled it up to face him.

"Tell me."

"What if she doesn't like me?" The look of distress framed every angle of her face.

"Of course she'll like you. You don't have to be worried about that." He laughed in amusement.

"Don't laugh." She playfully shoved him. "It's important to me."

"She'll love you like I do." He gathered her face in his hands and slid it closer to his until their lips met.

"What are you thinking of?" Richard had paused the movie and was looking down at Kate.

She was so distracted she forgot they were watching the movie.

"Sorry." She slid herself up more. "I was thinking back to today."

"What about it?"

She moved her head on his shoulder and stretched out a little. "That a lot has happened and a lot will happen."

"I hope you're not worried about it."

"No." She rubbed his face to try to wash away his concerns. "I am just happy."

"Oh." He looked relieved. "I am happy too."

"Let's get back to the movie."

"You sure? You're not too tired?"

"Richard Castle, I never." She smirked at him. He laughed then hit play. She was never able to really focus on the movie, she couldn't stop watching his facial expressions. She loved everything about him. Her dad told her that she would find someone worthy to fall in love with but she never believed him. If only he could be there to tell her he told her so.

_Dad, I hope this gets to you, she thought. _She looked out the window, up at the night sky and smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

Ch. 19 Falling Slowly

"You didn't enjoy the movie." Richard stood up from the couch sending Kate closer to the other side.

"Hey, I could have gotten up first before you shoved me!" She picked up a pillow and threw it at his back.

He flashed around and grinned mischievously before making his way to her. "You shouldn't have done that! Now, it is war!" He thrust his arm in the air and ran to her.

She didn't have a chance to get out of the couch before he grabbed her and picked her up.

"My prisoner! What to do with her?" He flashed his eyebrows up and made sure she could see.

"You could send me home! Or better yet put me down!" She started to giggle and she moved around in his arms.

He carried her over his shoulder and she was playfully smacking his back. His hands moved along her sides and she burst into laughter then started squirming in his arms.

"Is my prisoner ticklish?" He kept sliding his hands over her.

"Yes! Stop! I can't breath!" She continued to laugh until he finally set her down on his bar stool.

"I did not know that! This is good inquiry!" He stroked his hand under his chin and smiled.

"It is, so now you tell me something." She leaned her body as close as she could to him, without falling off the stool.

"Well, I have one weakness." He turned around so his back faced her.

"What? It can't be that bad?" She stood up, off the stool, and grabbed his back.

"My one weakness is you and Alexis." He turned back around and smiled.

"Not funny! I am serious." She leaned her arms on the counter and begged him with her eyes.

Richard's face took on a very serious tone when he looked at Kate.

"Kate, I am being serious. I would do anything for Alexis and anything for you. I love Alexis and I love you." He pulled her closer so he made sure she understood. "When we fought, I ached so bad that I wanted to call you right back. But then I remembered you need space sometimes. I was confused and hurt. I just wanted you."

She rubbed his cheek and pulled his face into her view, "I just wanted you too. I was so angry that day and I took it out on you. I do that sometimes, even my dad didn't know what to do. He gave me my space and when I was ready I came to him."

"Sounds familiar."

"Yeah because I still do that." She dropped her hands and walked back to sit on the couch.

"Now what?"

Kate pulled her legs as close to her chest as she could get.

"Alexis does that. It's a defense mechanism. Am I right?" Richard sat down on the coffee table in front of her.

Kate nodded and braved forward, "I was scared I was going to leave you. I push so then I can't have something leave if I don't have it. It makes sense to me at least. But then I wanted you, like right away. I felt a pull. That pull I have never experienced before and it scared me. I wanted you to come to me but I had to come to you. My mom left me and I did the same thing." Kate cried slowly at first but once she said her mom left, tears became a constant stream.

Richard reached for her and only reached her hands that were folded in her lap. He stood up and sat next to her on the couch.

"Kate, you didn't leave me, we fought."

She set her head upright so she was facing his face. He looked worn and in anguish over what she had said.

"But I yelled at you. I was mad at you. My mom left." She continued to cry but her tears were slowing down.

"I accused you. I was mad at you too. You are not your mom."

Kate leaned her head against his forehead and rubbed his face.

"So, she had a job offer?" Rick was rubbing her head as she was laid on top of him.

"Yeah. It was in Washington D.C. and she wanted all of us to go but my dad didn't want to. He knew I didn't either. He was mad that she sprung it on him without discussing it, they fought, and my mom told me that if I didn't leave with her then I would turn into my dad. She called him foolish, boring, and pathetic."

"Damn, she was harsh."

"Yeah. But I was just like my dad. I have always been. Unfortunately, I picked up my mom's habit of pushing people. But, I woke up and I went into the kitchen for breakfast, my dad always made breakfast, but it wasn't there. I didn't smell the bacon and eggs and I didn't see my dad anywhere. I freaked and ran into my parents' bedroom and he was on the bed, still in his pajamas, and crying. My dad was crying. He never cried."

"What happened?" Rick kissed the top of her head.

"He was holding a note and when I sat next to him on the bed he just handed me the note. My mom left and said that she had to and that she had to do what's best for herself. She was always worrying about her first. My dad always put me first! He pulled me in his lap, and we cried."

"Kate, I am so sorry. She was a fool to do that to you. And I work for _her_."

"Hey, my mom is not all bad. We are trying to fill in the pieces we were missing."

"And?"

"And it's going good." She flipped her body around and smiled at him.

"I'm glad. But you should know you are nothing like your mom. From what you have told me about your dad, you are his clone."

"That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me." Kate scooted her body along his, until she could kiss him.

Every time they touched, kissed, or talked, there was passion intertwined. Even though they hurried along, that pull was much stronger than they knew. It brought them together. Fate did. There is someone out there for everyone and you just need to believe in MAGIC.

"Here is the guest room." Richard pulled her in by the hand he was holding.

"I could go home to my own room." Kate was nervous about spending the night at his place.

"No. It's too late. Besides you are too tired to even move, I pretty much dragged you here."

"No you didn't." She leaned into him, a little off balance.

"Ok. Sure. Keep telling yourself that. Sit down and I'll be right back."

Kate rubbed her hands along the silk sheets. The mocha colored comforter felt like butter on her hands. The chestnut sheets ran through her fingers like water.

Richard rushed back into the room. "Here, wear one of my shirts and you should be set."

Kate stood up and went into the bathroom. She slid out of her clothes and pulled on his white dress shirt. She made sure to button**every** single button. Once she stepped out, she noticed Richard standing beside the bed.

"I will have you know, Mr. Castle, I sleep with a gun."

"Understood." He pulled back the sheets and tucked her in.

"Rick, I am twenty-six, not six. You don't have to tuck me in." She laid her head back on the cloud-like pillows.

"I do for Alexis. It's a habit." He bent down and kissed her softly on her lips and ran his hand across her face. "I love you, Kate."

"I love you too."

"Good night." He pulled the door with him.

"Good night Rick." Kate didn't know what happened next because she fell into a dreamful sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

Ch. 20 Unhearted

Alexis screamed and screamed for it to stop. The grey beings were scooping out her insides and stomping on her heart.

"Stop! Leave me alone! I will give you whatever you want! Just stop!"

The grey beings continued carrying out pieces of her. Her blood was all over their hands and they smiled. They were ghoulish and demon-like. They had red horns and sharp and scraggly teeth. They were using their teeth to rip pieces out of her.

Once her heart was nothing but shattered red glass, they stopped. They picked up the broken pieces and threw them back into her. They sewed her up and left.

One minute they were there and the next they were gone. Alexis screamed until her lungs bled. She gripped her chest and cried. There was nothing in there. Her heart was broken and she was lost. She was hollowed out and broken and they took what they wanted and left her.

Alexis was shook until she realized she was only having a nightmare. Her clothes were drenched in sweat and tears burned hot on her face.

"Alexis, honey? You're ok. It was just a nightmare. Why don't you come with me and we'll get you cleaned up." Berta stood with her hands underneath Alexis's arms.

Alexis just nodded and let Berta carry her out of her room.

Alexis was now calm and had an ice cold glass of water in her hand. She was cooled down and Berta had brought her a change of her clothes. She was wearing a Guns 'N' Roses shirt with a pair of blue skinny jeans. Her feet were snuggled in a pair of her footies and she was waiting for Berta to get her something to eat. She watched the late night show that was on in the common room.

Alexis rarely bothered with the common room. She usually kept to her self in her room writing. Berta, her nurse, always brought her new journals and pens to write with. There were already four journals filled up. Alexis wrote whatever came to mind. Some were profiles of the other residents in the place. Some were memories, good and bad. And the rest were poems.

"Here Alexis, sweety, a nice warm piece of bread pudding. It's really good, I made it." Berta set the bowl in front of Alexis and she reached for it.

"I didn't know you cooked here?" Alexis took a big bite and closed her eyes to experience it fully.

"So, I take it that it is good?" Berta sat down next to her on the couch and smiled.

Alexis nodded and scarfed it down.

"Maybe if you ate when you are supposed to, you wouldn't be so hungry now."

Alexis finished and set the bowl on the table next to her. "Berta, I don't want to eat with anyone. I am fine by myself. I just want to go home. I don't want friends or anything."

"Sweetheart! Now, you stop it! You have friends whether you like it or not. Lily and Sam adore you. And that Thomas boy seems to like what he sees."

"Berta, Thomas is a trouble maker, bad news." She shook her head as if Berta was only speaking nonsense.

"Maybe no one really understands him. You should try talking to him, you might get through to him. No else can."

Alexis thought about Thomas. _He is attractive, she thought. He did seem nice to me. But what about what Sam and Lily told me?_

"Take a walk in his shoes. Speaking of walking, you better walk on down to your appointment." Berta pulled Alexis up with her.

Alexis hugged Berta and Berta's warm chocolate hands gripped her tighter.

"I couldn't have defended myself. He was the adult. He was wrong! I was only a child and he took advantage of me. Rick had nothing to do with it. He wouldn't have been ashamed of me, he would have done the right thing. Mrs. Field should have known. I was too young to be responsible. I see that now."

Dr. Rachelle Lite was speechless for the first time. She took of her glasses and set her notepad down beside her.

"Alexis? Do you really feel ok?"

"I am not ok that he hurt me but that is something else. I do not blame myself anymore. I have learned that sometimes things are out of your control. You do nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong." Alexis's spirit seemed lighter. She had lifted a big load off her shoulders and she felt good.

"I am so proud of you! You have grown so much here! I am just overwhelmed with emotions!"

"Can my brother visit one more time before I go? When do I go?"

"Well, I want more sessions, but group ones are necessary. You haven't completed the strength testing, uh…"

"How long?" Alexis lost hope.

"About two more weeks, that's if you stay on schedule. You haven't been doing that, Alexis."

"I have grown, you just said it! Why can't I leave?"

"Not until you are ready. But I will make a note for you to have a visitor."

"Make it two." Alexis held her crossed arms tight against her chest.

"Who else would be coming?"

"My brother's girlfriend. I would like to meet her."

Dr. Lite sat upright in a nervous manner.

"What?" Alexis caught on to her discomfort.

"Are you ready to bring new people in your life?"

"Yes! I want her to know me and why I am here! I want to be open! Kate is **important** to me! It's **important **that I know her!"

"Alright, I will work something into your schedule. Right now," She flipped through some papers, "You should be in the cafeteria. It's breakfast time."

"I'm not hungry!"

"Alexis, follow your schedule."

"Fine. Are we done?" Alexis stood up, poised and angry.

Dr. Lite nodded and Alexis slammed the door shut after her.

Alexis sat at a circular table, in the corner, with an empty food tray. She refused to eat but took a tray to trick the orderlies that she had actually ate something.

"Nice, faking the food." Thomas pulled out a chair and placed his empty tray on the table.

"You do the same thing?" Alexis perked up.

"Yeah. I am never hungry in the morning. I am not a morning person. You either?" He pointed to her tray.

"Yeah. Not so much. But for lunch I take thirds sometimes." She immediately regretted saying how much she ate. She didn't want to sound like a pig.

"I take two, sometimes three plates at a time and still go back." He laughed easily. He came off as a go with the flow kind of guy.

Thomas made Alexis feel fresh and new. He had an easy and breezy vibe. He exuded comfort and she instantly relaxed whenever he was around.

"So, want to know why I am here?"

Alexis was hesitant but she remembered what Berta had told her. "Sure."

"Well, my dad thought I was a perfect punching bag. But that was only when my mom didn't get a chance. I would take the blows just so she could have a break."

Alexis didn't say anything but inside her heart ached for him. He could probably see her sadness on her face because his tone changed.

"Then from there; here." He slouched further into his seat and chipped away at his tray.

"Wait, you didn't tell me the whole story." Alexis leaned forward and pushed her chair closer to the table.

"I don't have to."

"But you wanted to. Why won't you look me in the eye?"

He jerked his body forward and spit his words out like venom. "Because you are just like everyone else! Sam, Lily, the doctors, they all see trouble written on my forehead. So I don't need to tell you a damn thing! Screw this!" He shoved his tray into hers and stood up, knocking his chair to the floor. "Screw everyone!" He leaned towards her so his face was right in hers, "Especially screw you."

Out of Alexis's peripheral vision she could see a team of orderlies making their way towards her and Thomas. She knew they weren't coming for her.

"Back off, Thomas!" The two male orderlies pulled him away from her and the women led them out.

But as he was being led away, Alexis saw him grin. He was happy he was being dragged away, he enjoyed making a scene. Then it dawned on her, in the moment he smiled. He just wanted someone to care. Not to pity him, which her face must have misled him to believe she was doing just that. He wanted someone to listen. He was going to open up to her but she made him close off.

As Alexis sat at the table, all alone, she felt broken. The same broken feeling she had when the grey beings in her dream dug her out. She did want friends, she did want to make a difference, but most of all, she wanted to feel happy. Happiness was a feeling she was lacking in her life. There were moments here and there but for the most part she was either up or down.

_I hope he'll still talk to me, she thought._

Alexis decided that she would open up in group today. She picked up her empty tray, ran to the food line, and held out her tray.

"Is it too late to get something?" Alexis was handed a burger and she smiled at the cook.

_I won't feel unhearted, she thought._


	21. Chapter 21

Ch. 21 Magic

"Are you sure she asked for me?" Kate walked nervously, hand-in-hand, with Richard to Hazelden.

"Yes. She specifically asked for you to come. She wants to meet you and tell you her story so I can tell you mine. Don't be so nervous."

"Yeah right." Kate pushed back her hair and tried to un-intensify herself. She pulled him to a stop just before reaching the doors.

"What?" He turned around and paused knowing she needed a boost.

"Rick, this is serious! She wants to meet me, your girlfriend. This is so she can interrogate me, I know it!" Kate let go of his hand and rubbed her arms over her red blazer. Her eyes darted elsewhere and she dropped her head down.

"Wow! You _are _really nervous! Kate," He pulled her head up and locked eyes, "She wants to meet the woman who is changing me for the better. That's all. She wants me to be completely honest and I can't do that unless her story gets told. So, here we are."

She slid his hand off her face and into her hand. "Ok. But this is a big deal. I just want her to like me."

Richard had never seen her so nervous. It meant a lot that meeting Alexis was important. Alexis was his only life until he met Kate and now the two most important people in his life were about to meet. It finally dawned on him, this **was **important.

"Ok. It doesn't matter if she doesn't like you, even though I think she will, you are with me and nothing is going to change that. Not how anyone feels but me! So, for me don't worry. I love you and that is all that matters." He smiled and pulled her close enough to him so she still had some space.

"Ok. I love you too." She closed the gap and planted a firm and reassuring kiss on his lips.

Once they arrived at the front desk, Kate relaxed a little. She at least made it inside. She was gripping his arm and hand like they were her lifesaver.

"Hey Bonnie. We're here to see Alexis Castle." His friendly smile made Kate loosen her grip, not that he showed any signs of it bothering him.

"Ok. Well, she is just finishing up lunch but you are more than welcome to wait in her room. Her nurse, Berta, will take you."

Kate turned around to a friendly and welcoming smile.

"My name is Berta, I am Alexis's nurse. How do you know her?" She led them to the elevator as she talked.

"I am her brother and this is my girlfriend." Rick wrapped his arm around Kate to ease her worries.

Berta stuck out her hand to each of them. "Nice to meet you both. You must be Rick and Kate."

Kate's face contained a shocked look.

"Oh, she talks about you two all the time to me. She is such a sweet girl." Berta got off the elevator first then led them down the hallway.

A guy was coming towards them and Kate saw the way he looked at her.

"Damn! You are fine!"

"Thomas! Don't you have an appointment?" Berta gave him a warning look.

Kate backed up closer to Rick.

"Yeah. Just thought I should let you know." He looked right at Kate as he said that.

"That is the young man Alexis told me about. He is all trouble. Just ignore him." Rick whispered in her ear so Thomas wouldn't hear they were discussing him.

"Come on, it's not that far." Berta waved them on like nothing happened.

Alexis was staring at the clock waiting for Berta to come get her. She knew she was meeting Kate today and she was so excited. She couldn't even eat. When she saw Berta step through the door, she ran. She dumped her loaded tray and ran straight up to Berta and hugged her.

"Slow down girl. They're here. They are waiting for you in your room."

"I know, let's go!" Alexis made a dash for the door but was stopped by Berta.

"Honey, are you sure you want to do this? I can say you got really sick and couldn't make it."

"Berta, I want to do this. I want to meet her and my brother needs to be completely honest if he is going to make this relationship work. He hasn't been in a relationship because of me, now he is and she deserves his whole story. He wants to give it to her and I have to go first. I already like her. But Berta, thank you. Thanks for always having my back." Alexis hugged her and Berta wrapped her arms around her.

"Ok baby. Ok. Let's go then."

Kate stood pacing the room while Rick was sitting on Alexis's bed. Kate kept pacing in front of him until he pulled her arm to a stop.

"Kate! Relax!" He pulled her down on his lap and held her tight against him.

"I am trying." She melted in his arms but was interrupted when she heard footsteps coming. "She is coming." Kate jumped off his lap and stood firm by him.

"Ricky!" Alexis ran into the room and straight into her brother's open arms.

Kate looked over Alexis. Her red hair and delicate features looked nothing like Rick. The only way you could say they were related was their blue eyes. Deep and sweet blue eyes. Plus, she noticed as Alexis turned to her, their smiles both radiated warmth.

"You must be Kate."

"Yeah. Detective Kate Beckett." Kate shook her head. "Sorry, Kate. Call me Kate." She stuck out her hand and Alexis just stared at it until she accepted it.

"You can sit down Kate." Alexis sat next to Richard on her bed.

Kate sat on the chair at the end of the bed.

Alexis leaned her head over Rick's. "Not there, here." She patted the spot where Rick sat.

Kate looked confused as did Rick.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you." Alexis turned her attention to Rick. "You are not staying. Just Kate is."

"Why did you call me here then?"

"To get Kate to come." Alexis flashed her a smile then turned back to Rick. "Leave."

"How did you know she wouldn't come if I didn't?"

Alexis turned to Kate again. "Would you have?"

Kate sat nervously, something she rarely let show. But there was no hiding how nervous she was. Alexis didn't invite her with any intention of interrogating her. She just wanted to know her and somehow that made it worse for Kate.

"If I am being honest, probably not. No I wouldn't have." Kate felt bad but Alexis blew it off as if she already knew what Kate's answer would have been.

Alexis reminded Kate of somebody but she couldn't put her finger on it. Then as she got more in tuned to what her eyes and heart were telling her, she figured it out. She reminded Kate of her dad. The way she knew the answer before anyone gave it to her, the way she was calming, how she easily welcomed you, all those things and more were just like Kate's dad. Kate tried not to cry but found herself not even able to. All she could do was smile.

"Is that ok with you?" Alexis's baby blues were back on to Kate's honey, golden, brown eyes.

"What? I zoned out. Sorry."

"That's cool, I do the same. Is it cool if just you and I talk?"

Kate made a nervous tick and looked at Rick. She was nervous about him leaving but Alexis did want to talk to her, so she blew her nerves off and returned her gaze back to Alexis.

"Yeah. Fine by me."

"Great!" Alexis seemed happy. The joy of a child was how Alexis came across. "Rick you can wait in the common room. They have T.V. and some interesting people. Berta will show you. Right Berta?"

They all turned to see Berta standing by the doorway. Kate wondered how long she had been there.

"Sure will. Anything for my favorite patient."

"Ok. It's all set then. Bye Ricky!" Alexis pulled him in for a hug then gave him a gentle shove off her bed.

"Bye." He made his way to Kate and hugged her gently and loosely. He kissed her on her cheek then stopped by Berta.

"Bye." Kate blew him a nonchalant kiss.

"Bye ladies. Have fun."

"Partake in leaving already, Rick!"

Kate was stunned by Alexis yet another time. Her father used that word all the time and Kate found herself using it too. But she had never heard someone else use that word until now.

"Ok Kate. Let's begin."

After hearing Alexis's story Kate was sullen. She didn't know whether to be sad or angry or both. Alexis explained why she was there getting treatment and how she felt about it. Alexis was completely open, another reminder of Kate's dad. After the tears had been shed, Kate felt the need to open up also.

"I appreciate you telling me. I want to tell you some things too."

"You don't have to." Alexis leaned back up against her headboard and pulled on her oversized, grey, Aerosmith shirt. Her black sweats looked a size too big for her also.

"I want to." Kate crossed her legs and pulled down her pant leg. Her skinny jeans obeyed their command and stayed put.

"I love your outfit by the way. They wouldn't let us wear anything like that here." Alexis looked over Kate's red blazer and got a sliver of her underneath shirt. She loved her blue skinny jeans and her white ankle socks.

"Thanks. Is it always this warm?" Kate took off her red blazer to reveal a white tank top with a picture of Audrey Hepburn from_Breakfast at Tiffany's_.

"You like Audrey?" She pointed to Kate's tank top.

"I love her. Do you?"

"Yes. _My Fair Lady _is my favorite movie."

"Cool." Kate smiled and felt at ease.

"She is amazing."

"So your mom just left?" Alexis was laying on her stomach while Kate was sitting up against Alexis's headboard.

"Yeah. She wanted the job more than she wanted me and my dad. My dad said I had nothing to do with it but he was always like that."

"Like what?"

"Always trying to make me feel better. He was a sweetheart. I miss him."

Alexis reached her hand out from under her chin and squeezed Kate's hand. "I know loss."

"I know you do." Kate squeezed back. "I was scared I would leave your brother the same way my mom left me."

"You wouldn't do that. I can tell. I know you Kate and you know me now. You would never hurt my brother or me."

"I wouldn't. You are right. I care too much about you guys." Kate smiled and Alexis joined her.

"My brother doesn't know this but I write all the time. I have tons of journals from the time I got here. Want to see?"

"Yeah." Kate watched Alexis go into her closet and come back with an armful of notebooks.

"Here they all are." Alexis turned her focus to her little clock on her bed stand and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Kate placed the journal she was holding back on the bed.

"We only have a half hour left." Alexis joined Kate back on the bed and slid journals over.

"Let's make the most of it!"

"My dad was like that. Rick is too. Trying to make the most of things."

"You remind me of my dad. So thank you."

Alexis beamed when Kate told her that. She was glad she asked to see her.

"You write poems?" Kate was scanning over a page.

"Sometimes. Do you like it?"

"Yeah. I write poems too. Also songs. Would you mind if I copied this and made it into a song?" Kate glanced back up at Alexis.

"Sure go ahead. How do you think it would sound?"

"Uh…"

"Sing it a little for me. Please." Alexis scooted closer to Kate and pleaded with her.

"Rick doesn't even know I can sing."

"So?"

"Fine. No laughing." She watched as Alexis made the scouts honor sign and she began.

"Girl don't be afraid, life is there for you to play with. Don't waste, time isn't there for you to get back. I've learned, to stay, where I am. I'll begin to change my ways. Will you stand with me? Do you have to go? Sorry I couldn't tell you I loved you so. Please don't hate me, still believe. Because I have learned there is enough room, for you and me." Kate stopped singing and looked at Alexis, nervousness ringing though her body.

"Holy shit! You have an amazing voice! It's so angelic! I can't believe it!"

"Thank you. I'll work on the music but I loved it."

"Me too. Thanks. But you have to share your voice with my brother. He will go nuts!"

"Not yet. Just you know. My dad knew I could sing, he bought me my guitar, which I still use to write with."

"So it's our secret?" Alexis seemed ready to burst.

"I guess, yeah."

Alexis leaned over her journals and squeezed Kate in a sisterly embrace.

"I hate to break up the fun but Alexis has a group session." They both turned to see Berta standing by the door and behind her they saw Rick trying to make his way inside.

Kate slipped on her black Converse and grabbed her blazer off the end of the bed.

"I had fun. Thanks Alexis for having me over."

"I am so glad to have met you. No wonder Ricky loves you." Alexis hugged Kate again then made room for Rick.

"Thanks Al." He hugged her tight and kissed her forehead.

Kate and Rick watched Alexis leave and then he wrapped his hand in hers.

"Now that you know her story, are you ready to here mine?"

Kate walked with him, down the hallway, into and out of the elevator, and outside on the street, without answering. Finally, she stopped, still holding his hand and her other hand still grasping her blazer.

"Rick, I would love to hear your story." She smiled an amusing grin his way.

"You made me wait this long time just to agree to it?" He faked anger.

"Yep." She laughed lightly until she saw his utter disbelief then she lost it. She bust into a fit of laughter.

"Great. Laugh at my anger."

"Shut up!" She playfully slapped his chest. "You're not upset. In fact," She held up her index finger to make a point, "you want to laugh."

"No I don't." The corners of his mouth twitched while he tried suppressing his laughter.

"Yes you do!" She smiled wide and her cheeks were red and he couldn't help but smile.

Once he let go and smiled, he started to laugh.

"Ha! I was right!" She kissed him and ran her right hand across his cheek then held it in her hand. She gripped his shirt with her left hand that still grasped her blazer.

He pulled her closer to his chest, wrapping himself around her as best as he could.

When their mouths parted, he let out a little breath. She smiled against his lips.

"Today went so smoothly, I can't believe it."

"I can." He looked at her bewildered. "I can because it's magic!"

"I'll show you magic!" He pulled her mouth into his and let his love show. Words were never enough for him, he felt the need to show how much he loved her.

And as they kissed and held each other on the street of 28th W. Broadway, they both showed and felt their love for each other. In that moment, the only thing besides love that was evident, was **MAGIC!**

A/N: ChelseaMarieC (author) wrote Alexis poem and Kate's song


	22. Chapter 22

Ch. 22 Why Don't You Stay

"So? You didn't know." Kate tucked her legs under her and set her hands on Rick's legs.

"I should have. She was my sister and it was my job to protect her and I failed that one. Big time." He took her hands in his and held them securely.

"Rick, look at me." Once he turned to look at her, she knew that he wouldn't forgive himself until she did. "Alexis doesn't blame you. That I am sure of. Now, you need to move on. What matters now is that you are helping her now. In this moment, she is getting the help that she needs."

"Kate, I…" Rick let go of her hands and stood up and headed into his kitchen. He went to the fridge and got himself a beer.

Kate slid her legs off his couch and when her feet touched the floor, the chill went right through her socks. She made her way into the kitchen and followed the same steps he took. He was leaning himself against his island and she scooted up right next to him.

"Rick. I trust you and I need to know if you trust me."

He snapped his attention to her and set down his beer. "Why would you ask that? Of course, I trust you. Come on Kate." He picked up his beer and started to walk around her.

"Hold up! If you trust me then listen to what I am saying. Rick, ask her and then maybe you'll feel better." Kate stood behind him, as he was paused in front of her. She saw his shoulders sigh and she wanted to lift his burden but couldn't. She lived with guilt and was slowly starting to let some go and she knew that he needed her help.

Rick turned around and his blue eyes seemed dim. "Ok. But I can't right now. It's too soon in her healing process. But I will."

"Good." She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a hug.

"Thank you." The muffled words traveled to her ear and she felt warm.

"I do too!" Kate was laughing and falling into Rick's couch.

"Shut up! Liar!" Rick was leaning over her and trying to tickle her.

"Stop! No!" She was squirming underneath him and trying to get free. "Rick! Quit!" She was laughing so hard her cheeks were bright red and her stomach ached from the laughter.

"Tell me the truth and I will!" His fingers continued to travel around her trying to get to any spot that would send her in an uproar again.

"I did! I am! Please!" She had tears coming from her eyes and he decided to stop. He still lay over her and looked down.

She smiled and caught her breath just in time for him to wipe away her tears and push her hair back.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you really are?" He continued to stare into her now burning eyes.

"Yes but it's nice to hear. And you're not so bad yourself Rick." She smiled and rubbed his cheek until she pulled on him. He collapsed onto her and he laughed.

"Ow."

"You ok?" She pulled his face up and held it in her hands.

"Are you?"

"Don't look so serious. I am fine. I wanted this." She kissed him with enough intensity to get him flustered before pushing him back.

"Stop teasing me like that." He pulled her off her back until she was sitting in his lap.

"I don't mean to. It's just I can't right now. If you don't want me to kiss you until I can then I won't." She slid from his arms and reached for her jacket.

"Whoa! I didn't mean that. I still want to make out just don't lay me over you. Not too much to ask I think." He leaned on the edge of the couch and was relieved when she sat back down.

"It's not. So you want to make out? Even though that's where it ends?" She sat hesitantly.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?" Rick rubbed her back and she eased further into him.

"I just feel bad. I don't mean to hold off but I just can't yet. Are you mad at me for that?" Her golden eyes stared nervously at him. She twiddled her fingers and felt his soothing touch on her. His hands wrapped hers in his warmth.

"How can I be mad when you are so open and honest with me?" His deep blue shirt held nothing against him as he scanned her over. He purposely wore blue because it was Alexis's favorite color. He still couldn't believe that his sister and girlfriend had met earlier that day. What amazed him even more was they got along. They had a good time despite the reason for his and Kate's visit.

"That is true and weird." She pushed her hair back and held a puzzled look.

"What?"

"It's weird that I am so open and honest with you. I am never like this." She continued to question herself and was trying to put the clues together when Rick piped in, again, knowing her answer before she did.

"Because I am different." He smiled with the realization that in some way he had helped her. Sure, he couldn't bring back her dad, or fix the relationship with her mom, or even adjust the past so she would never know hurt; he helped her to not be afraid and that was just as good.

She smiled back up at him like he was her whole world. In some ways, he was. She didn't have this deep of a bond with anyone else and he grew on her. She was proud of where she sat and who she chose to sit with. On some level, she was still afraid but that was good. She was being pushed past her limits but she needed that. When she needed someone to come along and help, he did.

"My dad would have loved you. And to think you could have known him and I could have known you. Weird."

"Maybe we weren't ready for each other. I believe that everything happens for a reason. When it was right, it happened."

"You believe that?" She scoffed at him and bewilderment twinkled in her eyes.

"Yes. Why don't you?"

"Please. I can't believe in a happy ever after. I just don't see that. But I believe in magic. You are my magic." Her golden eyes smiled along with her.

"You are mine. I mean, I had that talk with Alexis for years but until you came along, none of us were healed. You did that." His forehead broke into a smile and he didn't hold laugh lines. But with her, he felt like a teenager in love, something he was robbed of. So was she. She was magic and he wasn't going to say it to her but he was so in love with her that he never wanted to know what a life was like without her.

"I told you, magic." Her crinkles in the corners of her eyes may have seemed unattractive but it proved she was full of life. A life, that at times was hard. She didn't choose it; it chose her. She didn't mind; her life brought her to him. And that was a road she never wanted to not hold again. He saved her. She wouldn't tell him that but he was the thing her life needed.

"You are so fun. I mean, I rarely had time to laugh and now I laugh all the time. I am getting lines, laugh lines. I lost them but you gave them back to me."

"You're welcome. Besides they're cute." She reached out and traced the shape of his mouth with her index finger. She traced his whole face and stopped and placed her palm on his cheek. "I love you Rick." She smiled again and stared at his mouth wanting it and him like never before.

"I love you too." When she touched him, heat rose to wherever her hand landed. He felt a light and flutter inside of him when he thought of her, it made him a better person.

"I thought I would leave you. You know how my mom left my dad and I. I was still scared after I knew how I felt about you but when I think about it, it seems preposterous. I could never leave you or hurt you. I can't do it to you or me." She rubbed his cheek one more time until landing her lips softly and safely on his. It wasn't an intense kiss but it held passion. It was soft, gentle, but most importantly; it was safe. She needed safe. He was her safe haven.

He pulled her into his lap in means of trying to get as close as he could to her. She easily slid on his lap, on top of his knees. She fit perfectly in his empty space. She fit so easily in every way that she almost didn't seem real. That, or she seemed too good to be true. But she was true, she was in his lap, and he was kissing her. He held her in his arms and he felt her ease once his hands were in the middle of her back.

And when they parted this time, it was mutual. They didn't get all heated or flustered or yearn for sex. They were just being close, intimate. It was a reassurance that what they felt was real. They were **MAGIC!**

"You don't have to go. You can stay. I promise I won't try anything." He held up two fingers in his scout's honor pose and held them against his chest.

"I know you wouldn't," she laughed and held his shirt tight in her grasp, "you didn't before. What would make me think you would now?" Her right eyebrow raised itself while she passed him a quizzical look.

"Please. Why don't you stay?" He knew he was passing off his puppy dog eyes but he hoped they would work on her the same way Alexis's worked on him.

"Are you seriously begging me with your eyes?" She wasn't caving like he did, she was almost mocking him. She knew she got to him when his face stopped drooping and his eyes picked themselves up.

"Maybe. Come on Kate. What do you have waiting at home?"

As she stared in his eyes, for a minute she almost caved. Then she knew that if she stayed it wasn't him she couldn't trust, it was herself. She wanted him but couldn't give that to him right away. She was still testing herself. She shook her head no but didn't want to come right out and say it. He seemed to understand because he gave up and pulled her slowly up to him.

"Ok. Love you. Drive safe and call me so I know you arrived ok." He kissed her and smiled.

"Love you too. And I will. Bye." She kissed him quickly then waved before heading for the stairs. Even though it was a nice trip down, she needed the extra time to think. She was mad that she was holding back from him but didn't know what else she could do. She wasn't ready for sex yet. As much as she wanted to stay, she couldn't find it in herself to turn around.


	23. Chapter 23

Ch. 23 Trade Places

"It bothers me to know that I caused any pain for my brother. But, I have come to learn that you can't go back and change things but what I can do is change now. I can help. I am helping and that makes me feel better." She smiled and sat straighter in her plastic chair.

"I am very proud of you Alexis. You have come to a good realization and are at a good place. I know you met someone new yesterday. Tell us how that went."

Alexis nodded and caught Thomas rolling his eyes. She passed him a frown before smiling at all the other faces that seemed eager and supportive of her. "I met my brother's girlfriend, Kate. She is so cool and nice. She understood but didn't judge me at all. I didn't let on that I was nervous but now I can." She laughed at herself then continued. "I was scared she wasn't going to like me but she did and I liked her. She is so good for my brother and I can see that. Plus, she shared her story with me and I loved how open she was!"

"I am happy for you Alexis. I am proud you opened yourself up even though you were scared. Even though you could have been judged, you pushed on. That takes strength and courage."

"Some courage." Thomas smirked and leaned even further down into his chair.

"Do you have something to say Thomas?" Dr. Keller slid off his chair and walked right up to Thomas.

Thomas seemed to shrug off the doctor even when he stood over him.

"Because if you have something to say I think we would all love to hear it."

"I just think it is crap that you're praising her for talking about why she is here when that's what she is supposed to do." Thomas made sure to pass Alexis a judging look before staring up at the doctor with a smart ass grin on his face.

"At least I do talk and I am trying to get help. You want to judge everyone else but freak and freeze up when anyone tries to get you to open up. You can laugh at me and say I don't have courage but I do. And while you're busy judging everyone else, take a look at yourself. I may be a lot of things but I am not a coward." Alexis made sure she passed him the same smirk he gave her when he turned to look at her.

Dr. Keller turned around to face Alexis when he noticed the clock. He turned back to Alexis and could see she was proud of herself. "That's it for today. Thomas and Alexis stay a minute."

Lily and Sam gave a worried glance to Alexis before they slipped out the door with the rest of the group.

"Alexis? What you did was just as bad as what Thomas did. I don't need you to sink down like that. Got it?"

"I'm sorry it's just…"

"No excuses." Dr. Keller's autumn colored eyes held Alexis's until she felt bad.

"Sorry. Sorry Thomas and sorry Dr. Keller."

"Good. You can go now."

Alexis nodded then left. He turned his attention back to Thomas.

"What was that about? Do you think bringing others down makes you look cool? You are showing no progress. I thought that when I saw you take interest in her that it would help. But you are determined to make sure that doesn't happen aren't you?"

"No. The bitch just…"

"Don't you use that language with me! Got it?"

"Yeah."

"I want to see you grow and get help here Thomas. You can be a success story if you want to. Do you want to?"

Thomas shrugged and pulled at the strings on his jeans.

"If you don't know how do you expect others to?"

"I don't. I don't expect anyone to help me!"

"Well, whether you like it or not, people want to help. You have to let them."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. Bring a different attitude next time. Oh and Thomas?" Thomas turned back to face him after stopping at the door. "She won't be here much longer."

"Why do I care?"

"I don't know." Dr. Keller knew something Thomas didn't and he could tell it bothered Thomas.

Alexis turned to the knock on her door and smiled when Sam came in.

"Hey! Where is Lily?" Alexis looked past Sam but she was by herself.

"Appointment. Can I come in?"

"Of course." Alexis waved her in and let her know she never had to ask that.

"So my brother is coming today. I get to see him." Sam didn't look happy and that stumped Alexis.

"Aren't you happy?"

"Nervous. My parents aren't happy about it but he won't stop asking for me. They have no choice."

"Sam?" Sam looked back up at Alexis from her lap. "Ignore what your parents think. You want to see your brother right?"

Sam nodded and smiled. "They just always have an opinion. Whether it's good or bad they share it anyway. I just want to hug and kiss my brother without them shaking their heads or sighing. I want them to be proud of me."

"They are."

"Are you kidding me? They think I am nuts."

"But somewhere inside them they are proud you are here and getting help. Sure they wouldn't trade places but come on? Do you really think they're not proud of you getting help? Sam, you're not stupid." Alexis grabbed Sam's sweaty palms and tried to reassure her the same way Rick had always done for her.

"You think?" Sam was hesitant but she finally stared Alexis in the eyes.

"Positive." Alexis smiled at Sam and her smile grew bigger when Sam smiled.

"I trust you. Thanks Alexis." Sam pulled Alexis in for a hug and was relieved to find someone she could truly trust. When they stopped hugging, she still held Alexis by the shoulders. "I love Lily, don't get me wrong but I could never trust in her like I know I can with you."

"I didn't come here for friends. I wasn't sure I wanted any. But I am sure glad I got you anyway." Alexis pulled Sam in for a hug this time.

"If I am interrupting I will go."

Alexis turned and caught Thomas standing at her door.

Sam shook her head and scooted off Alexis's bed before waving and dashing out the door.

"Come in." Alexis motioned for him to sit in the chair in front of her bed.

"I wanted to say I was sorry. I apologize."

Alexis was caught off guard and was unsure of what to say.

"I want to tell you why I am here if that's ok."

Alexis couldn't speak but she nodded and inside she was smiling. She must have gotten through to him, that or he felt guilty. She wasn't sure of which one but she was just glad he felt he could trust her. As much as she wanted to ignore him to get back at him, she knew he needed her. She had Rick and now she had Kate but Thomas had no one. Whether that was his fault or not, everyone needed someone and Alexis was happy to be his someone.


	24. Chapter 24

Ch. 24 Irrational

"Don't interrupt or feel bad. I don't want sympathy, I just want you to listen. Can you do that?" Thomas leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at Alexis with a very serious expression.

"Yeah." Alexis crossed her legs and leaned onto them.

"I became addicted to pretty much anything I could get my hands on. My dad was a drinker so any alcohol was mine for the taking. Well, when my dad drank my mom became a punching bag." Thomas rubbed the back of his neck and Alexis's breath caught in her throat. He ignored it and pushed on, knowing that this was what he needed.

"Sorry. I didn't mean it." She pleaded silently that she hadn't scared him away.

"No. I'm good. Well, my mom saw how I was getting and she begged me to get help. She didn't want me to turn out like him but I would never hurt anyone, just myself. But my mom was hurting because of me so I agreed to come here if she would leave my dad."

"So you are here for the same reason I am?" Alexis was angry at him for judging her when he was right where she was. On the other hand, she was happy someone could understand where she came from.

"I know. I am a dick but sorry." He looked at Alexis strongly then dismissed it like it was an accident. "I know I had no right to get in your shit when we're cut from the same thread."

Alexis wanted to easily forgive him but somewhere in the back of her mind she told herself to shut up. This had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

"We are so why don't you continue."

"So my mom dropped me off and then drove off. I helped pack her car. I hope she got away but I honestly don't know." Thomas held his hands in his lap and threw his head down. He stared at the floor hoping Alexis would say something, anything. He was stuck with the image of his mom's beat up face and how scared she looked when she dropped him off.

"You haven't heard from her since?"

"No. I am not too proud of that but I had to make sure she was safe. It was the only way she would go, I had no choice."

"I didn't know. But then again no one does, do they? I think you have courage. For two reasons; want to hear them?" Without an answer she continued on. "For coming here in the first place and for protecting her when she couldn't do it herself." Alexis reached for his hand but pulled it back when she realized how far he was away from her. She recoiled herself and thought of Rick. He had her but he also had Kate. Everyone needs that one person to push them and Alexis was driven by her own guilt. Thomas was driven by the need to protect his mom. As much as she wanted to share the same story, they didn't. he was braver than she was. She slid off her bed and that made Thomas raise his head to her.

"Did I do something to make you angry? Because if I did, than I am very sorry." Thomas rose out of the chair and made his way to Alexis on squeaky sneakers.

"You didn't do a damn thing. It's me." Alexis dropped her head and swiped at the tear that insisted on sliding down her face. Her cheeks were warm and salty from the tears and her insides ached. She wanted to be strong for him but couldn't.

"What's you? You just got done lifting me up, so now it's my turn to return the favor." He pulled her in his arms and held her while she dampened his shirt with fresh and new tears.

"I shouldn't be crying when you just told me why you're here. Your story is a lot more heart wrenching than mine. I don't know why I am upset, it's just you have a mom and I am jealous. I know it's totally pathetic but there it is. I am jealous of your situation. Isn't that horrible? Here I have two wonderful people in my life and yet I am still jealous. I am sorry." She pushed him away and walked to her window. She clutched the window sill and continued to cry. She was still tense when Thomas started to rub her shoulders.

"You don't have to feel bad. Seriously. I was so jealous of you because you could open up and admit you needed help. I didn't do that. You have an awesome brother and now his girlfriend, I was pissed. I thought I deserved better than you and I had no right to think that way."

Alexis turned around and hugged Thomas tightly. "I think we helped each other today. I am proud of you, Thomas. And you're not alone. You have me." Alexis smiled and felt Thomas relax too. He smiled at her too and pulled her in for another hug.

"Dr. Keller?" Alexis leaned in the door frame and waited to be invited in.

"Yes? Come in and have a seat." Dr. Keller motioned for Alexis to sit in the chair that lay rested in front of his desk.

"Thomas told me a story. Want to guess which one?" Alexis held a smug grin but hinted at full amusement.

"I have no idea. Why don't you share." Dr. Keller leaned back in his chair playing nonchalant when he knew exactly what was on her mind.

"The story of why he is here."

"He told you willingly?" Dr. Keller slammed his whole body forward in his chair and almost knocked himself into his desk.

"Yeah. Why are you so surprised? You telling me you didn't know?" Now it was time for Alexis to play surprised, only she wasn't playing.

"I didn't know, trust me." Dr. Keller looked shocked. "What did he say?"

"I can't tell you. He told me in confidence and I refuse to betray his trust but you should ask him."

"I have but he hasn't told anyone why he is here just what he is addicted to." Dr. Keller stroked his chin then leaned back into his chair again.

"I am the only one? That wasn't just a story?" Alexis flopped herself into her chair and smiled.

"I am proud you didn't tell me. I think you might be ready to leave. What do you think?"

"You think so? Oh my gosh! I am so ready!" Alexis leaped out of the chair and screamed.

"I am glad you are excited. I want to talk more before you leave. Ok?" Dr. Keller smiled at her and she returned with one of her own.

"I am thrilled and it's fine with me!" Alexis left the office then popped her head back in. "We were done weren't we?"

Dr. Keller nodded and smiled, "Yes. You can go."

"Thanks!" Alexis's red hair flew past her as she ran to find Berta. She saw her helping someone into their room and she waited in the hall.

Five minutes later, when Berta came out, Alexis couldn't contain herself.

"Berta! Guess what? I might be able to leave in a week!" Alexis ran and pulled Berta in for a tight squeeze but she could feel something was wrong.

"That is great dear. Excuse me." Berta preceeded to walk past Alexis and Alexis stood dumbfounded.

"Berta?" Alexis followed her and Berta continued to walk on. Alexis didn't understand. She wanted to know what was going on. Berta had never ignored her before. In fact, Berta was the one person who truly had her back. She was always watching out for her and protecting her and giving advice, that proved sound.

Alexis stopped her pursuit once she saw Berta hop into the elevator without so much as a look back at Alexis. Alexis was hurt but she had news to share and thought of two people that would love to hear.

"Sam?" Alexis slowly stared into Sam's room at Sam on the bed. She didn't turn around but Alexis approached anyway.

"Sam? Are you crying?" As Alexis got closer she could hear muffled tears. She walked around her bed then sat next to Sam.

"Didn't you get to see your family today?" Alexis peered down at her and removed Sam's hood. Sam's eyes were red and swollen. Her face was pale and her mouth was in a straight line. Alexis wasn't sure what to say so she just rubbed Sam's back until Sam sat up.

"They called and told me that there was no way I would see my brother like this. That I was an embarrassment to the entire family. My mom even went on to say how when and if I do ever get out, that I am no longer welcome at her house. It's my fucking house too! My brother won't understand, he doesn't. What am I supposed to do now?" Sam threw her legs over the side of her bed and kicked them back and forth as fresh tears made their way down her cheeks.

Alexis pulled her close and rubbed her back. Alexis wasn't sure what to say to Sam because she didn't have that problem. In fact, if anything, Sam should have more acceptance than Alexis. Alexis did a lot worse than Sam.

"I'm sorry Sam. I don't know what to say to you because I have never been in your situation. If I knew what to say to erase the pain, I would. You are the nicest and sweetest girl. You were nice to me right away. You could have laughed or told me to fuck off but you didn't. Thank you. I love that you're my friend and I love you." Alexis kissed the top of Sam's head and felt Sam move.

"Do you really mean those things or are you only trying to make me feel better?" Sam looked suspicious and pulled away from Alexis.

"I mean them really. Sam, you mean a lot to me!" Alexis smiled and she slowly saw on Sam's face, the faintest hint of happiness.

"Why? My parents don't. Why should you?" Sam stood up and started to brush her hair.

"Your parents are idiots. I should because it's true. Now what do you have to say?" Alexis crossed her arms and watched Sam laugh.

"You're such a dork but I love you too." Sam finished brushing her hair then waved at Alexis. "Why did you come see me?"

"To share my good news but it can wait."

"No. Now you have to tell me!" Sam jumped on the bed next to Alexis.

"I get to leave in a week! I wanted to tell Berta but she completely ignored me. So I came to find you and Lily but I can't find her anywhere. I was happy you were in your room."

"Berta ignored you?"

"Yeah. Isn't that weird?"

Sam nodded but then shook it off. "Lily might be in her session."

"True. Check-ups right?"

"Yeah. I have one tomorrow, then another one later in the week. What about you?"

Alexis shrugged. "I'm not sure. Are they mandatory?"

Sam laughed. "Duh… Only if you want to be able to leave here."

"How come I didn't know this?" Alexis was a mix of being angry and hurt.

"You should have. Berta is supposed to take you to them. Wait, she never has?"

Alexis was baffled and pissed. "No! Why didn't she? Who do I talk to?"

"Dr. Keller or Dr. Lite or whoever will listen."

"Got to go." Alexis was fumed and Sam knew so, so she let Alexis leave without further questioning.

"Tell me I can still leave!" Alexis was pacing behind the couch in Dr. Lite's office.

"Alexis, calm down. Yes, you can still leave in a week but your schedule will be very packed. You think you can handle that? We could make it two weeks."

"No! I want to leave! I want my brother and my home back! I can do it. I can."

"Ok. I will work out some details and get a new nurse assigned to you. We need to make sure you actually arrive at the appointments. Ok?"

Alexis nodded and left without so much as a thank you. She felt bad about Berta getting in trouble. But how could she do that? It was so not Berta. Too irrational


	25. Chapter 25

Ch. 25 I Am Not Permanent

"Why are you worrying so much?" Rick moved around Kate who was busy cooking breakfast in her kitchen.

"Because what if they don't like me?" She turned her back to him to pour two coffees.

He slid up behind her and pulled on her waist to face him. She stayed still and he then leaned and kissed her head.

"I know I shouldn't worry. I don't know why I get so freaked out." She slid the pot back down then turned around to face him.

"Because you care. That isn't a bad thing, trust me. You just need to focus on something other than the negatives."

"Like what?" She wrapped her arms around his back and he did the same.

"Like the fact that you won't be the only woman. Ha! That is a positive!" He smiled like he was so proud of himself.

"Martha right? Isn't she older than me?"

"Relax Kate, there was nothing ever between us and I do mean never! She is more like a mother figure to me. She may do the cougar thing but I don't. Especially when I have you." He kissed her and they began to explore each other's mouths when Kate backed into the stove.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Kate pushed him off her and gripped her lower back.

"Fuck! What happened?" Rick tried to see but she was bent over away from him.

"I burned myself. No big deal." Kate tried to remain calm as she made the way to her bathroom and heard Rick right on her heels.

"Do need help?" He stopped in front of her.

"Yeah. Can you run cold water on it then bandage me up? The first aid kit is right there." She pointed to the wall opposite the tub.

"Sure. Come here." Rick slid up her shirt and was thankful when the burn wasn't as big as they had originally thought. He poured cold water over her back and tried not to get her shorts wet.

"Don't worry about the shorts, I'll just take them off." She was perched on the edge of the tub and felt her burn cool with every touch of the ice cold water.

"Ok. Dry off and I'll get the burn cream and bandage." Rick made his way to the first aid kit and started to pull out everything he might need. When he turned around, he dropped his supplies on the floor.

There stood Kate, with: her shirt off and her shorts off. She was standing in her black lace, night, bra (that was more comfortable for sleeping) and the matching underwear.

"What? Is something wrong?" Kate tried to cover her body up with her arms and felt embarrassed.

"No. It's just you are so amazing. You are beautiful, I just. I don't have the right words to say." He snapped himself out of it then picked up the supplies.

"I'll put my clothes on when you're done. Oh, and Rick," He looked up from the floor, "Thank you."

"No. Thank you." He smiled and raised his eyebrows.

"Shut up."

Now, her bandage was on and she was once again dressed. But this time, she was in her work clothes.

"Do we have to skip breakfast?"

"Yes." She slid her gun in its holster then slid her badge on her belt. "If you want to get to work on time, you have to come with me early. Come on, don't worry."

"Look who is preaching to me now." He laughed at her then slid his jacket on. He helped her with hers and followed her out of her building.

When they pulled up to the precinct, she stopped him before he got out.

"Now I know they all know you but once they find out you are with me, they will judge you, and probably run a background check. You may be messed with or made fun of but it will die off. Are you ready?" She looked as his face took on a look of pure terror.

"I was until you started talking."

"Come on, you are a charmer. Charm them."

"Espo, Ryan, Captain, this is Richard Castle. He is…"

"The ADA we sometimes pair up with. Yeah we know. What are you doing here bro?" Esposito looked over Richard as if he didn't trust him.

"Javi, he is here to meet you in a formal way. I wanted you to know him, know him, now that we are dating." Kate dipped her head scared of the reaction of what she would get.

"How long did you keep this from us?" Ryan was clearly looking at her now and his tone sounded hurt.

"About three months. The day I got the Mason Wells case." She lifted her head and found Captain Montgomery looking at her.

"Sir?"

"I expected better from you Kate."

"Sir, I, I,"

"Kate, I am just messing with you. Relax." He chuckled and the men joined in.

She took a deep breath and grabbed ahold of Rick's hand and squeezed. She smiled at him then laughed at herself.

"You're alright. But I'm warning you, and this comes from all of us, you hurt her," Esposito pointed at Kate, "You're dead to us. Got it?"

"Understood. But I'll have you know that I would never hurt her."

Captain Montgomery shook Rick's hand and then left them to continue to chat. Within a few minutes, Ryan and Espo had made their way back to their desks.

"One more person." She held his hand as they walked out together.

"Lanie right?"

"Yep."

"Oh it will be fine, she's your best friend. Of course she'll approve. Look how easy the guys were." He smiled and squeezed her hand. "I'm not worried."

"You should be."

"So you are the one who has been dating my best friend?" Lanie stood strong with her arms across her chest while she was busy scrutinizing him.

"Yes. And you're her best friend and co-worker?"

"Yes. And you are the one," Lanie walked right up to him and pointed her finger in his face, "That makes her so happy." She stepped back and smiled.

"So you're ok with me?" Rick let out a deep breath.

"Ok? If anyone can make her this happy, then he's alright with me. Besides you are a cutie. She has good taste."

"Lanie!"

"Shut up Kate. I know you thought that the minute you saw him. Don't try to lie, I will know."

Rick smiled at Lanie then Kate, gloating that he was right about how smooth things went.

As they made their way back to her car, he started to hum.

"For crying out loud, just say it already."

"I was right, I told you so, or Ha?"

"Shut up. Get in the car so I can drop you off." She buckled her seatbelt and smiled.

"It did go well and so will tonight." He leaned towards her and kissed her.

"You better be right Mr. Castle or you'll pay, big time." She smiled his way, once more, then drove off.

"What do you mean Martha's not coming? I thought I wasn't going to be the only woman! Now I am?" Kate was freaking out while Rick was zipping up her red dress.

"Kathryn Louie Beckett, everything will go fine. You and a bunch of guys? How could that not go right? They will all love you and will all probably hit on you. Just go with it. Ok?" He rubbed her shoulders but she slid out from under his hands.

"I don't want to let you down." She slid on her black flats with a red buckle and sat on the edge of her chair.

"That could and never will happen. Who cares what people think? I love you, you love me, we have each other. What more do we need?"

"You just rhymed there." She smiled then laughed softly. "Thank you. And you are right. Things will go smooth." She slid on some red lipstick then left the safety of her home.

"Whoa! Ricky, where have you been keeping her?" A man stood in a loose dress shirt and his glasses slid off his nose a little. He was bald and his sunrise, colored, eyes traveled up and down her body.

"Kate, this is Marty. He is a pig so just ignore it."

Kate shook Marty's hand and smiled. "Nice to meet you."

"Pleasure is mine." Marty smiled a wide tooth grin then sat down.

The next guy to stand up was a short, very thin, man. His sea green eyes shimmered under the lights in the restaurant.

"The name is Charlie." He stuck out his hand and she shook it. "I am new to the gang and am the nicest one."

"Shut up Charlie!" Rick laughed and Charlie joined him.

"Nice to meet you, Charlie." Kate smiled and was relieved when Rick placed his arm across her back.

"Last but not least is Sal."

"Nice to meet you Kate. All these younger guys don't know what to do with you. Trust no one." He laughed then sat back down.

"Nice to meet you too Sal."

Rick pulled out her chair and pushed it in for her.

"Since when did you become a gentleman?" Marty laughed at Rick as he sat down.

"When I met Kate." He smiled and she turned so he would see her smile also.

"Katie, don't go turning him into a little bitch. Ok, sweetheart?"

"Actually it's Kate. And I would appreciate it if you didn't insult my boyfriend."

"Kate, he's only kidding. That's just Marty's way."

She leaned towards Rick so no one else would overhear them. "It's still not ok. He shouldn't be able to just run his mouth like that."

"I appreciate you protecting me but I am ok. Trust me." He took ahold of her hand and rubbed his thumb across it.

"Ok. I trust you. I don't like it but if you're ok then I am too." She closed the gap between them with a kiss.

"Hey! Don't you too get enough of that at home?"

"Never." She smiled as the guys nodded their approval of her.

"Sure is a spitfire. I like her." Charlie smiled at Kate and she relaxed into the group.

As they sat there telling their stories, Kate started to feel a little left out. She tried to join in but it was all guy stuff. She was the guest and she had stopped feeling like that right after dinner. She was glad they approved of her but she was being ignored, completely.

She had tried to talk to Rick but he was so wrapped up with his friends that she didn't want to be an ass and ruin his fun. She felt like a visitor and she was nervous and angry that it did go just as she thought it would the minute she found out she was the only woman going. She silently sang in her head Birdy's "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight". She did feel like a visitor and how she'd never be a permanent fixture in this group.

She wasn't sure what she expected but it wasn't this. She slid herself in her chair, even though her dad would have frowned and told her "Katie, that isn't ladylike." At that moment, all she wanted to do was get out of the restaurant. It felt as if the walls were closing in on her and she started to panic. She reached for her wine and took a sip. In her head she started to count back from ten but the panic continued to rise in her chest.

There was no escaping it. It was building like a dark cloud in her chest. She slowly pushed her chair back and tried to sound as calm as possible.

"I need a quick breath of fresh air. Excuse me." She grabbed her jacket and made her way to the exit.

Once outside, she leaned against the brick and closed her eyes. She took slow breaths, in and out. Once she felt the cloud of panic escape her chest, she opened her eyes. When she did she saw Rick making his way to her.

"What happened? Are you ok?" He was checking her forehead for a temperature and once he was satisfied he pulled her head down on his shoulder and kissed her.

"You had me worried! I thought you were getting sick or something. But you're ok now? Right?" Rick pulled her head up and smiled into her eyes.

"I'm surprised you noticed I left." She gave him an angry stare and he was taken aback.

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind. I'm sorry I said anything." She kissed him then started to make her way back to the restaurant.

"No. No. Tell me." He pulled her to a stop and forced her to look at him.

"You completely ignored me! I didn't want to say anything because it seems so childish and you were having fun but, you ignored me Rick." She was no longer angry but just hurt. She gripped her jacket tighter to her chest and looked at him with a glum expression.

"Kate, if I made you feel that way then I am very sorry. You should know how important you are to me." He pulled her tighter to him and smiled. "I love you babe. I do get carried away when I am with them and I shouldn't have done that to you. It's not childish, it's cute. You were jealous that you had to share me." He smirked a sly grin at her. "You are with me whether you like it or not." He bent down and kissed her.

She smiled on his lips and ignored her original thoughts. For at this moment, Birdy's song no longer rang true for her. She continued to kiss him and relish in his touch.

Even in the cold December night, wherever his hands landed she was warmed up immediately upon his touch. When they parted and stood there holding each other, she felt nothing could get better than this. She was sure of one thing, Christmas would be a lot less of a bah hum bug and more jolly than ever with him in her life.

"What are you so happy about?" He looked down at her and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Just that I have you in my life. Well that and Christmas will finally be fun again." She smiled at him then felt the warmth of his lips on hers.

"That is true."

"You have no idea." She smiled teasingly then kissed him one more time before heading back into the restaurant.


	26. Chapter 26

Ch. 26 Surely

"Why are you so nervous?" Rickard was rubbing Kate's back and trying to calm her down.

He would be joining his boss, her mom, and Kate for dinner. Kate had got out all of her best dishes even though it was her mom. The way she was reacting you would think there was a big name coming to dinner. He didn't mind because he knew the distance her mom and her have shared for most of Kate's life. Kate tries everyday to try to "bury the hatchet" but every time she does, a knew problem arises.

Kate bit her lower lip and continued to feel butterflies in her stomach. She knew her mom already liked Richard and knew they were together but this was a chance to really know what she is like around him. She tried to push it down but one of the old memories slipped through her wall, and sent her nerves reeling.

Kate was eight years old and had just gotten a new bike. It was the bike she had been wanting so badly. She was it everyday when her mom walked her to school. Kate dropped hints here and there, little notes, drawings of it on the fridge, but she never came right out and said that she wanted it. Anyway, Kate was so excited that she started to ride it around, right there in the house. She was paying attention and she ended up knocking over one of her mom's glass vases. Isn't that the thing every kid knocks down? She immediately felt bad but her dad told her not to worry. However her mom felt differently.

"What were you thinking? Riding a bike in the house! You should know better! That is not how you were raised!"

"Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." At that point the bike was up against the couch and Kate was crying.

"That is not enough Kate! You are always doing foolish things! You are just like your father!" Johanna turned to give Jim a dirty look.

"Katie, sweetie, don't cry. It was an accident, I know. Just never ride in the house again. Ok?" Jim was cradling Kate as Kate's little head nodded into his shoulder.

"Don't coddle. Kate!"

Kate jerked her head her mom's way and squeezed her dad's arm.

"You are never going to ride that bike until I say so! Got it?"

Kate nodded and was then ordered into her room. She lay under the covers and cried while she listened to her mom and dad fight. They rarely did, that or maybe Kate wasn't always around when they did. Even when her mom apologized later that night and told her she could ride, she never touched the bike again.

Kate was shuddering at the memory and realized she wasn't alone.

"Are you okay?" Rick was showing concern and she felt bad.

"Yeah. Just a bad memory. I'm ok now." She hugged him and scooted even closer. When he wrapped his arms around her she remembered how her dad held her when she was upset. Her dad never failed to reassure her and now Rick is there to do the same.

"Everything will go alright. It's not like I don't know her." He smiled as best as he could in the heavy situation.

"I know. But you know how she and I have that "thing" we're working on. She tends to mention my father as if she knew him better than me, I get pissed, we fight, one of us leaves and then nothing. We never heal the wound. I don't know what to do anymore. She has hurt me a lot. But, Rick? I can't stand it if she hurts you." Kate let her tears fall willingly. She couldn't stop herself from the pain but there was no way she would let Richard get caught in the crossfire.

"Kate, I am big boy. I can handle it." He gripped her by the shoulders and smiled his most charming smile.

"You shouldn't have to. She is my mom, I can get it, whatever. My dad took it, I take it, but not you!" She had a fire inside that had killed her butterflies. She wanted nothing more than to not do this but she made a promise to her dad, and wherever her dad was concerned, she did what he wanted, no matter what.

"Kate, you should not have to take it, neither should your dad have had to. Now, for me and him, relax. I am sure he wouldn't like to see you like this."

"It's called being hurt. I appreciate it Rick. My dad would have laughed at me. He did that when he was nervous or when something was funny. I never knew which it was but I laughed with him. Here he was making fun of me, maybe, and I join in." Kate warmed up the sound of her dad's laughter that echoed in her head.

The knock at the door, shattered her warmth and left her cold. She jumped up and started pacing, clearly frazzled.

"Kate?" When she turned his way he looked at her "deer in the headlights" look and frowned.

"What?" Johanna knocked again and Kate opened the door.

"Sweetie! I love what you are wearing! Red is so your color." Johanna pulled Kate in for a hug and Kate tried to ignore the negatives.

"Thanks mom! You look good too. Come in." She opened the door all the way and slid over to allow her mom to come in.

"Richard! You look wonderful!" Johanna hugged Rick and he looked natural.

"As do you."

"Mom? There are appetizers on the counter, help yourself." Kate motioned for Rick to come by her and he did. She made him a plate and her one.

"No thanks dear. I would hate to ruin my appetite but you two go right on ahead." Johanna smiled like she was completely unaware that her daughter just felt insulted.

"I know I will." Rick popped a quiche in his mouth and smiled. "Very good."

Kate smiled and popped one into her mouth also. She had to admit that they did taste very good. She smiled at Rick and was happy to have Rick break the ice.

"I knew you two were dating when I visited Kathryn in the hospital but how long has it been?"

"About three months." Kate smiled and refused to let her mom upset her.

"So fast." Johanna mumbled under her breath but without any other noise in the apartment, she could be heard by both.

Kate feigned amusement, still determined.

"So, how are things as DA?" Rick was unsure of where to steer conversation.

"Well as ADA, you should know." Johanna chuckled and Kate's face went red.

Rick saw Kate's vein in her forehead and steered elsewhere. "Do you have any good stories from when Kate was little?"

"Tons. Once when she was five, she was so determined to play with the big kids that she went right over to them and demanded that they let her play."

"Sounds like you." Rick beamed at Kate and saw her face return to its natural color.

"It was and still is. Anyway, they laughed but she swore that they were making a mistake by not letting her play."

"And?" Rick had finished his appetizers and was now fully interested in the story.

"They let her play and were sure as hell glad they did." Johanna smiled and laughed.

Kate remembered that story and smiled at a positive thing. So far, so good. They shared some more stories and she felt relieved when the oven _dinged_.

Kate got up and checked the stuffed chicken breasts then closed the oven and put the timer back on. "Five more minutes."

"Thanks sweetie. So, she was ten and she really liked this boy, Corey I think, and she spent hours thinking of the perfect valentine."

"I thought you hate Valentine's Day?"

Kate easily responded, "I do."

"No you don't. Don't listen to her Rick. She loves it. She just doesn't want anyone to know."

"It's a Hallmark holiday. Ridiculous!"

"Kate, you don't believe that. She pretends to not like it but secretly she does. She is a hopeless romantic."

Rick smiled, relishing in a fact that made sense.

"Hey mom? Do you mine picking a wine for dinner?"

"Sure will."

Once Johanna was out of ear shot, Kate leaned in to whisper to Rick. "I can't take it. Sharing stories, like my childhood was lollipops and gumdrops."

"She is just trying to be nice. Don't read too much into it." Rick grabbed her hand but she pulled it away.

"Don't believe that act. She keeps insulting me and sugar coating it. Sure some of the stories are nice and not painful. But surely you don't believe she is innocent."

"Of course she isn't innocent. But remember you are doing this for your dad." His ocean blue eyes tried to coax her into relaxing.

"I know. But when do I start doing it for me?"

"I don't have all the answers."

"You don't know the whole story. She only came back because my dad was dying. She doesn't know me anymore at all. She couldn't because she is just now starting to again." Kate fought the tears they crept along the edges of her eyelids.

"What?"

"She hasn't been back but two years and now I have to try to bond with her. I hate that she left me and my dad! I hate that he made me promise! I hate, I hate the pain." Kate swiped at a tear with her red lace sleeve. She nibbled on the edge of her thumb and refused to look up.

"You mean to tell me that you two haven't talked up until two years ago?" Rick made no attempt to hide the shock from his face.

"I picked a red wine because it looked and sounded the best. What do you think?" Johanna paused at the scene in the living room.

There sat Kate crying and Rick looking shocked.

"Kat?"

Kate ignored her mother and ran to her room, her bare feet slapping away on the hardwood floors.

"What happened?" Johanna set down the bottle of wine and started to make her way to Kate's bedroom but Rick intercepted.

"Let me go check. It'll be fine." He smiled as much as he could without coming off phony.

He pushed open the bedroom door and made his way to her bed.

"Go away." Her muffled cries could be heard even under the covers.

"Kate it's me." Rick sat down next to her on the other side of her bed.

The covers flew back and Kate lay, her hair a mess with tear stained cheeks.

"Kate, please don't cry." He slid up next to her and put his arm around her waist.

"I can't deal with it. I can't." Her breathless cries pained him.

He started to rub her arm in an attempt to console her but like the story she told him of when she was eight, she couldn't be consoled. He pulled the sheets so he could get under too.

"What are you doing?" She turned her head to face him and saw him trying to get comfortable.

"I am going to stay with you until you are alright." He pulled a pillow up next to hers and grinned happily when he was her surprise.

"You don't have to. I usually just lay here by myself."

"I know I don't have to but I want to."

"Where is my mom right now?" She lay on her back and stared up at him.

"Waiting to find out what happened."

She laughed. "You left her all alone."

"Yeah. I needed to make sure you were alright. I stopped her from coming, I figured that was the last thing you needed."

"Yeah. I don't know why I even bothered to set this up. I just wanted for us all to get along. Should have waited. I'm sorry." Kate continued to look at him and tried to stop herself from crying.

"Kate. You can make this work. If anyone can try, it's you. You want this to happen, I know that and so do you. Maybe your emotions of the past are clouding yourself from having a good time now." He felt so sure of himself that he even nodded to himself.

"When did you become my voice of reason?" She smiled and swiped off any other remaining tears.

"When I realized you sometimes shut yourself off, even from yourself."

Kate gleamed childish delight and rubbed her red, laced, sleeves, up and down his navy blue, dress, shirt. She enjoyed feeling his biceps under his shirt and she squeezed them to let him know she did. If it weren't for the fact that her mom was waiting on her, she would have easily made out with him.

"Thank you. Love you." She lifted her head and body into him to kiss him. The smoothness was wonderful and the light puffs of air were cooling. His hands held her and warmth and love flowed from them.

"Love you too. We should get back there." He continued to be swarmed by her but she eventually relinquished.

"Mom?" Kate stood now cleaned up in her living room. She made her way over to her mom on her couch and sat down next to her.

"Are you alright? I didn't know what was happening." Johanna really looked concern and it wasn't the fake concern Kate had come to acknowledge.

"Why were you so worried?" Kate couldn't help but be a skeptic, especially in areas where her mother was involved.

"Kat Lou, you know how much I love you and how I would be worried. Surely you do. Right?" Johanna was shocked with disbelief. Her hands trembled a little but not enough for full concern over her emotions. At that moment, when Kate didn't respond, her heart hurt and all her worries of being a bad mother were affirmed.

Kate knew by not answering it would hurt more than a simple no. By seeing the hurt written across her mom's face she felt words were needed.

"Mom. You left me and I know you had to but I have lived my life without you around. I only had dad, literally. No one was excited when you left us shattered. Dad always made up for you, always trying to protect me. I knew the truth of it, I wasn't stupid then and I am not stupid now. I want to have a relationship with you for dad's sake and I have been trying but I don't want it for myself. That's hard: to love someone so much but also be so mad at them. I don't know what to do." Kate was crying and Rick left her to do so. This is what she needed to do.

Rick walked back into her bedroom to fix the bed they had messed up. He walked around her room enjoying all the pictures. There were tons of pictures of her and her dad. On her armoire were those pictures and along her desk there were photos of just her. They were all spontaneous and she wasn't looking at the camera in any one of them. _Those must be the pictures her dad took that she was telling me about, he thought._

He made his way to the left of her room and stopped at a collage of photos of just her and her mom. The collage saddened him because it looked like a project that was started but never finished. There were a few of Kate ice skating and some of when she was a baby. But there were gaps, big ones. The last picture looked like Kate was eleven and she had on a pair of overall cutoffs worn over a faded, red, plaid shirt. She had on brown cowboy boots and her hair was pulled into twin pigtail braids. She was sitting on a park bench, her feet dangling over the side and licking her strawberry ice cream cone. Johanna was next to her just smiling down at her. Kate wasn't even looking at her mom, she was off staring at something else. This was a Jim picture, Rick knew. Jim's pictures had a tell. Kate never looked at the camera in a Jim picture.

"I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. I fought with your dad a lot because we didn't get along. We loved each other so much, even after you were born we adored each other."

"Then what happened?" Kate pulled her left leg up to her and leaned forward.

"I got a job that demanded a lot of me. I foolishly chose the job over my family. I chose my job over you. I know that made me a bad parent and I still am one but I am trying Kat. I love you and if you don't know, I will prove it. Just give me the chance to do that for you. Please." Johanna rubbed her eyes to rid herself of her tears.

Kate leaned her back fully into her couch and was lost. She looked around and didn't spot Rick, so she had no choice but to listen to herself. She loved her mom, that was clear. She just needed time.

"You can. I want that too. I love you mom but I just need time. I mean sure, we have been getting along here and there but we both need time to get to know each other. If you can do that so can I." Kate grabbed her mother's hands in hers and held them in her lap.

Johanna nodded while tears fell softly on her cheeks. "Thank you. I want that too. Time is fine by me Kat."

Kate pulled her mom into a hug and they held each other. They were both crying a mix of happy and sad tears. Rick came in and smiled at the sight. He slid out his phone and snapped the picture in hopes of maybe that collage would get the chance to be finished


	27. Chapter 27

Ch. 27 Laughter Is Timeless

"I feel bad she had to go early but it was what is best for me. But it's not like I sent her without food. I made a plate." Kate was in a pair of boxer shorts that had the Turtles on them and a plain, white t-shirt. She had her legs lined up next to Rick's on her couch. They had just finished their dinner and she got changed, and now they lay facing each other on her couch.

"You did what was best for you for a change, no harm in that. Trust me. Oh, while you were cleaning, Alexis called."

"And how is she? Is she ok? Does she want me to visit?" Kat sat up, her back on the side of the couch. Rick did the same then continued.

"She is fine. Good news actually, she gets to come home in a week!" Rick's smile grew from ear to ear.

"Oh my gosh! This is so exciting! Can I make dinner? What can I do? Am I even invited for her welcome home party? Is there going to be a party?" Kate's mind was racing and she tried to collect her thoughts but they kept slipping out of her mouth like she had turned off her filter.

Rick shook her foot to get her attention. "Hold up! Of course she will want to see you. If she wants a party, of course you are invited. Think about that Kate."

"I am! I am so excited!" Kate leaped across the couch to kiss him.

"That was an impulsive move." He returned with a kiss.

"I like to keep you on your toes." Kate smiled and leaned both of her elbows across his chest as she lay across him.

He pulled a pillow for under his head so he could look up at her.

"I saw the pictures in your room."

"I bet you think it's weird I am in a lot of them, ok most of them are just me but…"

"Those are the ones your dad took." He curled his lips in an all-knowing look.

"You think you know everything don't you?" He shook his head yes to her and she playfully smacked his chest. "Well, Mr. Castle you are wrong."

"What don't I know?"

"That I am a lightweight. I always have been. What I mean by that is that I take things to heart. I know I shouldn't but I do get hurt easily I have just become good at hiding it." She dipped her head down and her side swept bangs covered her eyes.

"Kate?" When she didn't look at him he tucked her bangs behind her ear. "I knew you were. I don't know everything but I know you. I could tell when I first met you that you probably had the biggest heart out of anyone I've ever known."

She looked up at him her golden eyes capturing a sparkle. "Really?"

"Definitely. My mom would have loved you. She would have said Richard Edgar, you have brought home a pure treasure! She would have gushed over you for the rest of my life. Plus, if I broke your heart, she would have taken your side." His smile was quaint and reserved.

"You would have brought me home? You'll never break my heart. Right?"

"Kathryn Louie Beckett, I want you for forever." He pushed her hair out of her face gently then tenderly kissed her.

They held each other in a soft and warm embrace. When their lips parted they felt light as a feather. They needed no words to describe what they felt inside. Time can heal wounds and make bonds. Timeless bonds.

"So you actually loosened the ladder?"

"Yeah. She fell and I felt horrible but she landed in a pile of leaves. No serious damage."

"Rick! She could have been seriously hurt! That's not funny." She chuckled lightly.

"Then why are you laughing?" He was in a jubilant mood and that made them both continue to laugh.

"My turn? Ok." She paused and rubbed her thumb across her chin.

"Stop stalling Kate." He grinned sheepishly.

"Remember Corey? The guy I made the valentine for?" He encouraged her to go on. "I spent hours thinking of the perfect thing to same to him to let him know how I felt. I wrote a poem and put sparkles all over it. I cut out tiny hearts and laid them all over the big heart. The poem was written in my neatest cursive and I was so proud of it. I made sure it didn't get creased in my backpack and everything."

"Wow! This guy meant a lot to you didn't he?"

"He was the first guy nice to me and he let me play with him and his friends that I was sure he liked me."

"No! That meant he thought of you as one of the guys." He rubbed his face with his right hand and just shook his head.

"I know that now but I was ten, you ass! Anyway I walked right up to him when he was surrounded by our friends and I gave it to him." She picked at her fingers and leaned her head down. Her mouth cocked to the right knowing where the story went. "Needless to say it wasn't received well."

"What happened? What did he do?" Rick leaned further onto his back.

"His face turned bright red. He read it and one of his friends took it from him and read it out loud. Both of us were humiliated! So he took it back and pretended he never liked me at all."

"Jackass. I saw the pictures in your room. You were a cutie." He made his eyebrows jump and she laughed.

"Thank you but that isn't even the worst part."

"What is worse than public humiliation?" His eyes felt concern.

"He tore it up and said he never even knew I was a girl." She smiled devilishly.

"What did you do to him?" He was staring at her amused face and couldn't help but smile when she did. Her smile did that to him, it was infectious.

"I punched him."

"What? Badass!" He gave her a light tap on her back. "Way to go." His proud grin reminded her of her father's same grin when he found out what happened.

"I think that was the one time my dad was happy I beat someone up." Her smile was reminiscent of when her dad faked anger but then told her how proud of her she was.

"Now I am only telling you this once so don't go around thinking it is okay to hit people. Ok?"

"Ok dad."

"I am proud you socked him one!"

"What?" Kate's ponytail shook as she tried to understand what was happening.

Jim rubbed his head then lay his arm across the back of her seat. "What that boy did was wrong. He deserved it."

"But mom says it's never nice to hit."

"Katie Kat, there are going to be mean people out there who only want to hurt you. But what you need to remember is that there are better ways of dealing with the hurt. I will teach them to you. But for right now, way to go Sport!" He high-fived her and turned back around in his seat. Once he started the car, he passed her one more smile before driving off.

"Earth to Kate." Rick shook his hand in front of her face.

"Sorry." She snapped out of her memory and was transported back to facing Rick on the couch.

"Get a little lost?" He rested his head on his left arm and rubbed her arm with his right hand.

"Memory lane. Back to stories. Best gift you ever got from your parents."

"Easy. My dad bought me my own tool box when I was ten. I couldn't use them but I carried it around whenever my dad did work on the house. I was so proud of my tools." He smiled playfully then turned to her. "You."

"The day after my mom left my dad let me stay home from school and we just window shopped. We were walking past a music store and my dad took me in. Right there and then he bought me a guitar. I was baffled because I didn't know how to play but he looked at me and I smiled. I was happy, probably the happiest I have ever been up until then. My dad could do that for me. I asked him who was going to teach me to play and he said he was. I didn't know what to say but later that night he started to teach me. Once I got the hang of it we wrote songs together. It was our thing that no one could take from me."

"You play guitar? How come I didn't know this?"

"It is one thing that not many people know about me because it means the world to me. It was something that I had with my dad. It's a part of him."

"I can understand but will you sing me one?" He pleaded with her and he was certain she was going to say no but she spun him again.

"No laughing."

"Deal." He shook her hand and she climbed off his body.

When she walked back into the living room with her guitar on, he moved over so she could sit with him.

"Laughter bounces off the walls. You tell me life will only bring that down. But if anyone, oooh, anyone can make the day a little brighter it's you. You tell me to take a dose of medicine, it will help the others around. And when you fly, so pure you are, your little feet will never touch the ground. Don't lie, the darkness could come. My surprise you are here with me to ease my mind. Take the weights from me, crack these chains so I can be free. Life can bring you down. Laugh all around, take the world down. Because you can fly, so pure, darkness you let falter. Your little feet will never touch the ground. I will lay here as your laughter bounces off the walls." Kate propped her guitar against the couch and nervously looked at Rick.

"I had no idea you could play the guitar, then I find out you can sing, then you can write? You have too many talents my dear. That was incredible! I mean, it was beautiful. You wrote that?"

"For my dad after he taught me. That was the first song I wrote and when I played it for him, he cried. That was one of the rare times. My dad never really cried, especially not if he was happy. But that day, he cried while he smiled at me. At first I wasn't sure of what he was; happy or sad. But then he said he has never made anything more beautiful than me." Kate started to shake and cry. Her shoulders shook while her body trembled.

"Cry. It's ok to. If this helps, your dad was right." Rick slid up next to her and wrapped his legs around her waist and let them hang off the couch.

"About what?" She continued to cry and tucked her bangs behind her ear.

"That you are the most beautiful thing."

"He said that he ever made. It never gets easier. Time never gets easier. How can I keep doing this to myself? I can't cry every time I think about him. How do I stop it?"

"You can't. You will cry for good times, bad times, for missing him, and anger at him for leaving." He cleared her face of tears with his palm.

"But I want to. I miss him too much and it hurts. I want him to be here and say, well, I don't know what. I want him here, Rick." She leaned into him.

He held her and said nothing. She just needed to make sure she still had someone to make the scary world safe. If she needed him to do that, he would. He would do anything for her. He entwined himself in her in every possible way. He wanted to be linked forever to her.

"Please don't leave me. Please stay the night." She gripped his shirt and her eyes were bloodshot.

"I will never leave you. You're in my veins. The couch is perfect." He patted it to prove how comfy it was.

"No."

"No?"

"You have to lay with me in my bed. I know it is a lot to ask of you but I need you Rick. And if that makes me sound needy well too bad. I need you." She tried to speak again but she couldn't get anymore words to escape her mouth.

"Kate. Relax. I will stay with you and you don't have to beg."

As they lay in her bed, he was cuddled up to her with his hand around her waist. She was nestled as close as she could get to him. He lay his head atop of hers and smiled as the moonlight shined across her face. To him, he was the happiest man in the world, as cliché as that sounds. She smiled in her sleep and he knew for right now, she was safe. Safe in his arms. If only there was a way to make her feel safe like this, all the time. He closed his eyes and whispered "I love you" into her ear. He gently kissed the top of her head and warmed with the love they shared.

A/N: chealseamariec (author) wrote the song. thank you for read this fanfic means a lot X


	28. Chapter 28

Ch. 28 Wrap It Up

"Come on Beckett. I am buying." Esposito smiled so big that she could see all of his teeth.

"Charming and tempting but no." She pulled out the file on her desk and opened it up. She clicked her pen and began writing.

"Paperwork can wait till later. Come celebrate with us."

"Us?" She looked up from her desk and saw Espo, Ryan, Lanie, and Captain Montgomery.

"Yeah us." Espo made a sweep of his hand to recognize everyone.

"Come on Beckett. It's an order." Captain Montgomery lips quirked upward in a friendly way.

Kate shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She loved grabbing a beer with her coworkers after work but she had an urge to see Rick and wanted to fulfill it. She bit her lower lip and her brows arched down. She knew they were getting impatient for her answer but she needed to process.

"Girl! Get your ass up and come. No debating!" Lanie grabbed Beckett by the arm and Kate's purple sweater slid off her shoulder.

"Lanie!" Kate had her arms crossed and her eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were held in a straight line. Her back was as straight as she could make it to let them know she meant business.

"Becks, don't take it so seriously. We just want you to have a good time. Ok?" Ryan, the ever so smooth one, could fix most situations. He was easy to talk to and he truly listened. He was teased frequently for being so sensitive but that was the quality Kate liked most about him. He was compassionate about his job and there was nothing wrong with that.

Kate's lips curved upward and she caved. She couldn't be mad at her friends for being themselves. Somewhere inside her she was angry. She wasn't sure at what but it bothered her. She was scared she would snap and hurt someone. Something was itching to get out. _But what?, she thought._

"So? Are you coming?"

"Yeah." As Kate was packing up her stuff, Rick came in.

"Hey guys. Kate? Want to grab a drink?"

She looked up from her desk and was amused. "I was just about to join them for one." Kate surveyed her friends eyes and they all answered her back.

"Hey bro, you want to join?" Esposito gestured to the elevator.

"I would love to. Thank you." His cheeks dimpled and he walked over to Kate.

"Thank you for coming. I really wanted to spend time with just you but they invited me. I couldn't be rude but thank you so much for coming down here." She stood on her tip toes and gently kissed him.

"Save that for later! I'm starved!" Esposito, Ryan, Captain Montgomery, and Lanie made their way to the elevator.

Rick and Kate tagged behind holding hands.

"I'll have a glass of wine." Kate modestly placed her jacket behind her and adjusted her sweater.

"What? You always get a beer." Esposito took a sip of his pint and ordered another one.

"Not today." They all looked at her quizzically.

"Is there something you are not telling us?" Lanie leaned her chair closer to Kate which made Kate nervous.

"No. I just don't want beer this time. No news. Nothing has changed. Don't worry." She slid into her seat and admired her table of friends.

Rick was busy talking to the men to realize that something was wrong. Lanie was consumed by Havi. Kate slumped there, sipping her wine, and trying to get over what was eating at her.

When the food arrived she wanted nothing to do with the pizzas they ordered. Even when Rick put two pieces of her favorite pizza, sausage, on her plate, she just let them lay there. She no longer had a desire to eat or drink. The pain in her stomach was telling her she needed to eat but she couldn't. That dark, panicky feeling started to rise in her chest and she closed her eyes.

Even though she couldn't see, the noises. She heard people talking and laughing and eating. All of it was making her sick. She bit her bottom lip and she squelched her tears. From the inside out her body started to warm. Her cheeks were turning crimson. It all was becoming too much.

Kate held her head in her hands and tried to block out the noise and the pain but she couldn't. The cloud continued to rise in her. She lifted her head and caught everyone staring at her. Everyone, in the restaurant, had their eyes on Kate. She bolted out of the restaurant, ignoring her name being called.

She sat in her car with the windows down and tried to count back from ten. Nothing seemed to be working, so in the safety of her car, she cried. For whatever reason, tears fell. She tried to connect her sadness with something certain but it didn't hit her until she thought of Rick. How she met Rick. Ava Adams. It was her birthday. Their first case was putting Ava's killer behind bars.

Kate felt bad when she didn't introduce Ava to her other friends but Ava was special. She needed to keep Ava to herself, at least for a little while. Unfortunately, Ava didn't get that chance. Kate was motherly to Ava and it made Kate feel something she didn't when she worked. Sure, work was satisfying but it was the fact that someone counted on her for emotional support and not for solving their friend's death.

Ava wasn't a case until she died. No one, not even her mom really knows how much Ava meant to Kate. Kate treated her like a little sister. To picture her face only brought up what happened to her. Kate closed her eyes and squeezed. Tears poured down for all she couldn't see and for all she was hurting over.

The knock on the window scared her and she jumped. She knew before she bothered to look that it was Rick.

"Ok. Something is going on. You have been getting panic attacks. I know what they are because I take medicine to control them. Kate, you said that you could trust me. So, trust me and tell me what is going on." Rick slid to the edge of the driver's seat and angled his body towards Kate.

Kate just looked at him. She tried to form words but her mouth refused to do so. She just nodded and bowed her head to her lap. She played with her hands and ignored Rick's touch. The same touch that saved her was now not doing anything.

"Kate? Are you going to talk to me or shut me out? I can't deal with you shutting me out! I don't think you realize how important you truly are to me. I don't know what other words to say." Rick faced forward and opened the door. His blue eyes begged her to look at him but they were left unanswered. He pushed the door further along, hoping she would stop him. Maybe grab his navy blue, blazer, but her hands remained clutched together in her lap.

"Ok." He got out of her car and gave her one last chance; he looked at her through the windshield but she gave no recognition to him at all.

_I know I am being selfish, she thought. I know he is hurting right now. Why am I such a bitch to him? I really don't deserve him. I didn't deserve Ava and I couldn't protect her. I can't protect him from me. My dad could never, he could never, what the hell am I thinking? My dad always protected me, my mom abandoned me and thinks now we can be all friends again? Rick, my Rick, he protects me and loves me and I just hurt him; again. What is going on? I have to fix it. I have to!_

Kate pulled out her phone and hoped that her friends would understand.

**Kate,**

Lanie, Havi, Kevin, Captain, I am very sorry but I just needed to deal with something. Explain later. Sorry L

Lanie,

Call me later!

Havi,

It's cool. Owe me a pint! ;)

Kevin,

As long as you are ok.

Montgomery,

Kate, you had me worried. I respect your space. If you need me, I am here.

Kate,

Lanie, thx. Havi, deal. Kevin, I will be. Captain, I know.

Kate,

Rick, I need to explain. A lot. I do trust you and I shouldn't have ignored the one person who truly gets me. I am just, ugh. And I need you to understand that, when I get like this, stay away. I don't like hurting anyone. I never had to worry about that until I met you. Please give me a chance to explain because I won't forgive myself if I hurt you.

Kate waited for a response from him but she figured he was already too mad. She wondered if he left already. She didn't see him leave but then again, she wasn't paying much attention to him at all. Realizing how she acted made her angry at herself. She knew her father would have been so disappointed in her. That feeling and the feeling that she caused Rick pain made her hurt. She was breaking herself inside. She was breaking her own heart. She was about to drive off when, the passenger door opened.

"Scoot over." Rick waited for her to slide to the driver's seat then climbed in.

"I thought you were going to ignore me." Kate was excited and it showed. Her eyes crinkled at the corners and her classic full smile filled the car.

"No. That's just what you do." Rick knew he was being cold but he had to in order to teach her a lesson.

"I know. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have blown you off or anyone else. I just, I don't know how to say it." She looked towards the car floor and Rick gave her his attention.

"Say what?"

"Ava, the girl, well one of the girls that Eddie killed," Her voice was shaky.

"Yeah…"

"She was my friend and today is her birthday and my dad's is tomorrow and I can't deal with it all. It's like the pain keeps swallowing me up and I have no choice but to surrender. I can't breathe and I cry all the time," Her voice was shaky while she tried to talk through her crying. "I want to be able to give you attention all the time and to not ignore you but, Rick I don't know how. I did the same thing to my dad and I never realized how much it hurt until I saw it on your face. How could I have hurt him or you like that? I am a bitch!" Kate began to shake and wipe her tears but they had no end in sight.

"Kat Lou, please don't beat yourself up. I understand. I am the same way. I try to lock people out so they don't feel burdened but it isn't healthy. I think you should see my doctor. She might be able to help. Look how she has helped me. I wouldn't be here with you if it wasn't for her helping me move on from the past. I know you are hurting and I want to stick by you. Are you willing to let me?" Rick held her shaky hands and watched as her shoulders started to relax. When she looked up at him, her eyes were red and swollen. Her nose was runny and her face was puffy. Even with all that, she was still beautiful.

"I want to tell you everything."

"Talk to her first. Get an appointment and see how it goes. We can go through this together. I wouldn't leave you Kate. I know it's something I shouldn't promise but I feel I can. Kat Lou, I love you." Rick picked her up into a hug and let her cry.

"I love you too. I am sorry. Can you forgive me?" She lifted her head so she could see into his ocean blue, eyes.

When he saw the innocence and pureness in her calm, golden honey eyes, he couldn't do anything else but smile.

"Always."


	29. Chapter 29

Ch. 29 Caught In The Crossfire By Myself

"I am not sure how this goes. What do I say?" Kate sat on the chair with her legs crossed close to her chest. She played with the strings of her blue, zip-up hoodie and tried to calm herself. She looked at Dr. Gates. She was so sure of herself and Kate became insecure in a way. Dr. Gates had an air about her that radiated calm. Kate tried not to stare but she was by herself. No one to come in and save her or speak for her. She had to do it for herself.

"Anything you want to say. This is a safe space Kate. Tell me anything and it stays here. So it's up to you what you want to talk about. But I will ask you one question. Why did you come to see me?" Gates crossed her legs and uncapped her pen. Her notepad rested on her knee and her glasses made her more sophisticated.

"My boyfriend sees you and he says you helped him. That maybe, you could help me." Kate dropped her strings and played with her fingers.

"I can help you but you need to tell me why you think you need help."

Kate dropped her hands and slid down in her chair and took a deep breath. She looked right at Gates and smiled.

"A week ago I overreacted and hurt him. So then I told him why I was upset and he understood but he said maybe I should see you so I don't do that to myself." She was proud she opened up but she felt guilty holding things back when Gates was just trying to help.

"Why did you overreact? Did you not want to deal with something so you lashed out?" Gates made a little note on her pad as to how Kate was reacting.

"Yes but how did you know that? I didn't say anything about lashing out." Kate was stumped and it was one feeling she didn't approve of unless it was Rick who did the stumping.

"You said that you overreact to yourself. When you hold back for too long, you get the urge to burst. It overwhelms you and you feel like you can't breathe and you feel a pain rising in your chest. That is when you let go and lash out." Dr. Gates's eyes raised ever so slowly pondering if Kate recognized that in herself.

"I do get like that. He says that they are panic attacks and he takes medicine for it. I don't think that's what they are. My friend was murdered. I worked her case and kept secret about that. Because if anyone knew she was my friend, I would have been removed from her case and that I refused to let happen. Then a week ago it was her birthday and all my friends were having fun except for me. They were all drinking and it just reminded me that she never got to meet them, she can't drink with me like she used to, and she just isn't here anymore. No one knew she was my friend. I didn't even tell my boyfriend. I wanted to keep her memory to myself. But finally, I told him and he understood. I just can't deal with it all. Then my dad's birthday was hell on me. He has been gone for two years now and I still cry the whole day. I just can't let anyone in that way, that space is for my dad." Kate's voice was shaky and she tried to talk through her tears. Every time she reached for a tissue, her hands would shake and it started to get hard to breathe.

"Kate, look at me. You are getting a panic attack. Look at me and listen. Take a slow breath in through your nose and out your mouth. Close your eyes and grip the sides of the chair so you know you aren't moving. Good, keep doing that till the fear goes away." Gates was coaxing her with hand gestures, even though Kate couldn't see. She was doing the same exercise with Kate and smiled when Kate opened her eyes.

"That worked."

"I knew it would. Have you always been like this? I mean, getting panic attacks?"

"I guess. My dad would just hold me until it went away. Sometimes it took hours. I never knew what they were." Kate was bewildered. She shook her head as if she could be that clueless. It all made sense if she had just taken the time to check into it.

"We will get through that together. But let's go back to before you had your panic attack."

Kate nodded, completely trusting in her. She believed Gates would help heal her. The parts Rick and no one else could. Not even herself.

"I understand why you kept it a secret when your friend was murdered for the reason of solving the case but why didn't they know about her before?" Dr. Gates made another notation but this time Kate was encouraged by it.

"She wanted to wait. She was shy and kind of private. In fact it was an accident we even met. I just ran into her and started talking. I took her in under my wing and that was that." Kate's eyes crinkled when she thought of Ava's smile.

"I still think you should introduce her to your friends. Go visit her and talk about her. It might help."

"Like sit at her grave and tell everyone 'Hey this is Ava. She is my dead friend'? Are you serious?"

"Very much so. I want to talk more about your dad. But what about your mom?"

"Sore subject. Rather not dive into that one today." Kate lay her head all the way into the chair thinking she made a great escape on that one.

"Is your mother alive?"

"Yes." Kate sneered but Gates couldn't see.

"Did something happen to you two?" Gates took off her glasses and tried to persuade Kate to continue.

"She abandoned my dad and I. She chose a job over me and then only came back about two years ago when she found out my dad was dying. She never called. She never tried to be there. Then all of a sudden, she cares. Bullshit! Bull Fucking Shit! She doesn't care." Kate finally rested her arms after swinging them to express how she really felt.

"You blinked."

"What?" _Out of everything I just said to you that's what you picked up on? _She threw her arms out and leaned forward.

"You blinked when you said that she doesn't care about you. The truth to that is you believe she cares and it bothers you to know that and try to comprehend why she left. Why did she leave in the first place if she cared? Right?" Dr. Gates made a peek at her clock and let out a deep breath.

"What's wrong now?" Kate was on a tightrope and she was barely hanging on. Was she that easy to read?

"Time is up. But, I would like to visit this some more. Tomorrow?"

"Can't. My friend is coming home and I would like to be sane and not dwell on the past for her sake."

"How about Monday?"

"Monday is good." Kate let her mouth twitch upward and her body to relax as she shook Dr. Gate's hand and said thank you.

"I am going to miss you. And I know it may be weird but we get attached to our patients."

"Dr. Lite do you need to talk to someone about this?" Alexis laughed and Dr. Lite joined her. "I am going to miss you too. Thank you for everything." Alexis hugged her for the last time.

"I am so proud of you. Know that. Promise me you will go to meetings and still talk to someone."

"I promise." Alexis waved goodbye and headed to Dr. Keller's office.

"Can I come in?"

Dr. Keller waved her in and immediately pulled her in for a hug.

"I am so proud of you Alexis. I am sure you already agreed to go to meetings and the whole deal."

"Yeah. I got the speech from Dr. Lite." She sat down in the chair across from his and rubbed the arms. "It's weird to say goodbye to something that felt like a home to me." Alexis's lip quivered and she held back tears.

"It's ok to cry and I want to let you know if you ever need me, I am right here." He pointed to his chair and they both smiled.

"Thank you for all you have done for me. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met Sam and Lily."

"Well, I am glad you are better."

They hugged one more time and she then made her way to Berta.

Alexis saw her in the hall fixing food trays. She walked right up to her and hugged her.

"Oh, Alexis, it's you." Berta returned the hug and began to weep.

"Berta, I am mad at you but I still love you." Alexis's blue eyes contained tears and it looked like an ocean had formed in her eyes.

"Honey, I am so sorry to have done that to you. I was selfish. I wanted to keep you here and well I'll probably get fired for it."

"No you won't. I took care of that." Alexis beamed at Berta. Her eyes even twinkled with delight.

"What did you do?"

"I told them that they would be making the biggest mistake if they fired you. And that I have never met someone who cares for everyone else but themselves. Someone who is the most selfless person I have ever met. And that they are lucky to have someone like that on their team."

Berta couldn't contain herself and her howls could be heard through the entire corridor. She squeezed Alexis into a deep embrace and melted with appreciation.

"You are a true gift, Alexis Castle. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"I'm going to miss you Momma Berta."

Berta wiped Alexis's tears off her face and held her cheek.

"Bye."

"Bye my baby." They shared one more hug before Alexis went to say goodbye to her friends.

"You don't have to go you know." Sam was bawling and Lily waved her off.

"Don't be selfish Sam. Let her go."

Alexis knew that Lily dealt with things in an angrily manner. So she was not surprised to see her acting all tough and in a _whatever_kind of attitude. She was also not surprised to see Sam crying her eyes out.

"Sam, I will still talk to you. I'll write and when you get out, I'll be waiting. Sam, Lily, you two are my best friends. I never really had this before. Now I do and I treasure it. I never want to lose you two. So please, get better and get out of here fast. Ok?" Alexis was bawling now too.

Sam and Alexis held each other while Lily stood off to the sidelines. She stood up straight and had her arms securely crossed against her chest. She made no attempt to cry and no attempt to move. She held her lips in a straight line and furrowed her brows. She was angry about Alexis leaving before her. She was angry how sad Sam was over it. But most of all, she was mad Alexis was leaving at all. She wouldn't dare say so, no, she couldn't. but Alexis made group easier, she made Lily want to not be so guarded. Alexis could be a true friend but Lily had to let her in first. That was something she was going to work on because she wanted Alexis to be there for her. Alexis deserved a better friend in Lily and that's is what she is going to get.

After they said their goodbyes again, Alexis walked over to Lily. At first Alexis held out her hand. Lily took one look at Alexis's tear stained smile and tugged her in for a hug. Alexis was shocked and happy.

"I am going to miss you." Lily didn't cry and she used a deep voice to try to cover up how much she did care.

"I'll write you too. And Lily?" Lily looked up. "You have a talent in you. Don't waste it because you are scared of being great." Alexis winked.

One last time she waved goodbye to her unexpected friends and went to her room.

Thomas sat on her bed kicking his feet back and forth.

"Came to say goodbye?" Alexis crossed her arms over her favorite t-shirt, an old _Wizard Of Oz_ movie still.

"Maybe." He smiled all smart ass like and didn't get up from her bed.

Alexis walked over and sat next to him. "It's ok to miss me." She smiled very confidently.

"So what if I do? You gonna miss me?"

"Duh. We became trusties you idiot." Alexis playfully shoved him and he bumped her shoulder.

"More than that I think. Friends." He dropped his head and his hair masked his emotions from her.

"Thomas?" He didn't look up. "Thomas, look at me!" She picked up his head so she could look him in the eye. "You have to promise me that you'll try. Promise that you will try to get better. That you will give it all you got."

"I promise. Will you write?"

Alexis nodded and impulsively kissed him on the lips.

"What was that for?" His cheeks warmed red and he smiled bright.

"My promise."

"Goodbye." He stood up and waved. She waved back and started to gather her things.

Alexis stood in front of the entrance to Hazelden. But this time she would be exiting. She saw Rick pull up and was happy enough to smile. She walked through the doors and looked back one more time, as all her friends said goodbye.

Rick grabbed her suitcase and box of things from her and loaded them in the taxi. He watched as she waved to everyone then made her way to him.

"Ricky! I am so happy to see you!" She ran and hugged him. He picked her up and swung her in his arms.

"Al! I have missed you!" He kissed her head and set her down.

"Come on Ricky, let's go home." Alexis's toothy smile made her cheeks blush with joy.

"I couldn't agree more."

Kate was pacing his apartment frantically. She kept checking on the food in the oven to make sure it was still cooking. She fluffed the pillows again and adjusted the record player.

She heard footsteps and tried to decide whether to sit or stand. She kept glimpsing at the couch and finally decided to sit.

The door opened and Kate panicked. _What if she doesn't want me here? What if she just wants to get settled? Oh my gosh, bad idea! Too late now, Kate._

Alexis walked in and screamed. "Kate! Oh my gosh! I can't believe you came for me!" She ran to Kate and stormed her with a hug.

"Why wouldn't I?" Kate smiled and relaxed into the scene.

Rick helped Alexis carry the rest of the stuff into her room then made his way back out.

"What did I tell you?"

"Yeah, yeah. You were right. Thank you." She kissed him gently.

"You're welcome." He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her up against him.

"You know that medicine does help. It's been a while since I have had a panic attack. Thank you for everything." She brushed her lips against his and he caressed her lips back.

They kept teasing each other with samples until Rick had enough. He smacked his lips into hers and begged for more. He gently slid his tongue in the slit she allowed him to have. They explored each other while still trying to be modest. Rick was hungry for her and she no longer wanted to hold back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his face into hers. He slid his hand under her shirt and started to feel her smooth skin.

Alexis cleared her throat then laughed. "You want to take that elsewhere? I am ready to eat." Her lips pulled inward a little while she enjoyed their embarrassment.

Kate pushed him off her and color rose to her cheeks and her whole body filled with warmth.

Rick tried to wipe away the evidence but it was pointless. He knew he had been caught.

"Uh,"

"Ricky, don't bother. Spare us all."

"Works for me." Rick turned to a still Kate. She nodded in agreement.

"Cool. Can we eat now?" Alexis rubbed her stomach.

The oven _dinged._ "Sure can." Kate walked into the kitchen and pulled out the chicken and stuffing.

They sat together at the bar and smiled. They enjoyed each other's company and finally felt like they all had a place. A true family. A home. She & Him's "Home" came on and they laughed at the coincidence of it all.

Kate smiled lovingly at Rick and no longer felt like shielding herself from him. She was ready to break free from her own crossfire.


	30. Chapter 30

Ch. 30 Putting Ourselves Back Together

"You know you have to leave." Kate's smile was tempting him.

"Then why are you looking at me as if you want me to stay Ms. Beckett?" He swooped her up and raised his right brow.

"Wipe that cheeky look off your face right now!" Her mouth twitched with laughter.

"This is what you do to me honey." He set her down and set his lips atop of hers.

"You are tempting me now. Quit it!" She covered his mouth with her own. She licked his lips and he moaned. That made her break away from him.

"Why did you stop?" His face was blushed and she rolled her eyes.

"Because I told you that you have to leave. And that," She pointed to his crotch, "Doesn't want to." She flashed a quick smile and breezily walked into her bedroom.

"Kate. That is not fair. Don't start what you can't finish." He licked his lips then laid himself out on her bed.

"Seriously Rick. My mom is coming so we can talk. You know the whole, getting it all out in the open kind of talk. Besides don't you have to take Alexis Christmas shopping?"

At the sound of Christmas, he sprang up from her bed. "That's right. I get to shop for you." He teased her with his childlike happiness.

"No!" She walked out her adjoining bathroom and pointed her finger at him. "We said no gifts." She tightened the tie on her robe for emphasis.

"You can give me a gift." His eyebrows perked upward and his mouth was held in a sly smirk.

"What the hell are you thinking about?" She was so confused she let her anger fly away.

He nodded towards her and he could tell when it clicked because her face relaxed then she threw him a disapproving look.

"Castle! No gifts and you really have to leave!" She walked up to him and held the back of his neck. She pulled his face within inches of hers and slowly whispered to him.

"You have to go now but I want to see you later." She pulled on his bottom lip then slid her tongue around in his mouth.

He nodded but said nothing. His hands traveled to the ties on her robe and she pulled back.

"Tease!"

_Not for long, she thought._

"Fine. I'll go." He quickly kissed her then walked to the door.

"Bye."

"Love you."

"Love you too. Now don't be so sad." She kissed him lightly then headed back to shower.

Kate slid her gray sweater tights on, then grabbed her dress. It was a honeysuckle plaid dress. She fixed the collar and moved to her full length mirror. She approved of her outfit and applied little make-up. She heard the knock on the door, popped her medicine in and took a swig of water.

"Hey mom." She hugged her mom and inhaled her mother's perfume.

"Still the same one Kat."

"White Diamonds." Kate's cheeks popped up in a quick smile then dropped.

"Do you insist on living in the past?" Johanna gestured to Kate's outfit choice.

"You know I have always liked vintage. I haven't changed." Kate was hurt that her mother insisted on disapproving.

"Well if someone is going to pull it off, it would have to be you." Johanna attempted a makeup smile.

"Come in while I get my shoes on." Kate opened the door wider then walked back to her bedroom. She sat on her chest and slid on her gray ankle boots.

She pulled on her black plaid wool jacket and made her way back to her mom.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep."

"I am sorry for leaving you and your father. But, especially you. I thought I was doing something right."

"You were mom, but it was right for you. Did I even cross your mind when you passed by my bedroom with your suitcases?" Kate was appalled when her mom shook her head no.

"But honey, I was so wrapped up in my plans."

"That didn't include me." Kate held her hankie tight in her hands.

"I was selfish and I am sorry but I am here now. I want to know you. Tell me who you are. Show me what I missed. Please." Johanna wiped her eyes with a tissue.

"I think you need to give your mother a shot Kate. She is admitting blame on herself and no one else. That takes strength. Tell her how you felt." Dr. Gates scribbled on her notepad while Kate tried to summon the courage to speak.

"I was confused. I thought it was all my fault. Normal for children, I guess. You were barely around even when you were there. I barely knew you then but realizing that you truly left and weren't coming back… I couldn't grasp that. Dad made excuses for you to protect me but even he knew that he wasn't fooling me. He always more than made up for your absences. He was all I had. So when you came back just because he was dieing, I wanted to kick you the hell out! But dad made me promise. I always keep my promises, that's why I am here now." Kate wiped at her tears and picked her posture right back up.

"So you are here, trying to fill in the gaps because of your dad?"

Kate turned her attention to Gates. "Yes. He asked me to."

"Exactly what did he say?"

Kate dropped her head. She didn't want to replay that memory.

The beeping of the machines was driving Kate nuts. Still she sat, in a broken down recliner next to her dad. At the moment, he was sleeping. Kate spread herself out and picked up her book. She was reading one of her favorite's Heat Wave.

She had just finished the chapter and was about to read the next one, when her dad grabbed her knee. She jumped but then smiled.

"Hey dad. How are you feeling?" She sat up and offered him some water.

"No thanks. I am ok but I could be better." He laughed and Kate smiled shyly.

"Dad, I love you so much." She started to well up and he touched her cheek.

"Don't you be doing that crap now! Anymore tears, I'll start swimming."

"Dad, no jokes."

"Katie Kat, what have I always told you?" He turned his head, which took great strength to do, just so he could see her thinking face. The way her lips would perk upward, almost like a duck. Then she would tap her finger against her lip. Her eyes would tilt upward ever so slightly, as if she could find the answer in the sky. Her eyebrows would raise just enough to notice a change. He knew he would miss this face. He slid his hand next to him on the bed, and reached for his camera. Without her paying attention, he snapped the photo.

"Dad! Stop with the pictures already!" She faked being angry and grabbed ahold of his hand.

"I love the faces you make, Angel. Did you figure it out yet?"

"You have told me so many things, how will I know which one you are talking about?"

"Think real hard. I'll give you a hint." He popped open his mouth and started to laugh.

"Oh, that one." She nodded to herself. "How could I not get that one?"

"I don't know. Now tell me."

"You always say 'Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever'." She made a big arc with her arm.

"I do say that and I mean it." He started to cough and she helped him with some water. "Now listen here missy, you live by that forever. I don't want anyone messing you up. Ok, Katie Kat?" He forced a few breaths out.

"Ok." Kate started to cry and he tried to wipe them off her cheek.

"Also, keep your style. No matter what anyone, your mother, says. They don't get you like I do."

"That is true, dad." Kate looked down at her: brown, lace up boots, her gray tights, her baby, pink skirt, and her white lace shirt. She adjusted the sleeves before looking back at her dad.

"See, beautiful." He coughed a couple more times but dismissed the water.

"Dad, I love you so much. You're my hero because you always saved me." Kate cried but she let the tears fall.

He reached for her hand and held it in his. "Do me one thing." She nodded. "Be good to your mother. Let her in and show her around your life. Do that for me. Promise?"

"Promise."

"Katie Kat, live." With that, his hand went limp in hers and his monitor flat lined.

"Nurse! Doctor! Help!" Kate continued to hold his hand and she screamed till her lungs ached. She bawled her eyes out and kept begging him to come back.

"Dad, please. One more picture. One more." Kate blinked when the flash hit her eyes. She completely forgot about the camera. She squeezed herself into the mass of nurses and slid out her dad's camera.

She heard them announce the T.O.D. as 11:15 P.M. They all shuffled out after disconnecting all the tubes and turning off all the monitors. The nurse said she could stay for a few minutes then left.

Kate sat back down in the recliner and flipped through the pictures. The last one was taken after he died. It was her looking down at him, and a tear had just left her eye. It was a classic Jim picture. She wasn't looking at the camera at all. She looked at her dad then smiled.

She smiled so bright the nurses were sure to thing she had gone crazy. Her whole mouth was exposing her teeth. She wiped at her eyes and laughed.

"I asked for one more picture and you did it again. Way to live, dad. I love you." She got up, shakily, from her seat and leaned over the bed rail to kiss him.

When she rose up, she could swear he smiled.

"Kate? Do you remember the last thing he said?" Kate snapped back to where she was. She looked at Dr. Gates then her mom.

"He said 'Be good to your mother. Let her in and show her around your life.' I didn't understand till now what he meant by 'show her around'."

"What did he mean?" Johanna rested her hand on Kate's right knee and she didn't back away from it.

"The pictures. Dad captured my life with pictures. I have like thousands of them. Ever since the day I was born. He was always snapping pictures and he kept printing every single one. I could show them to you if you like?" Kate grabbed her mother's hand and squeezed.

Johanna smiled and was doubting herself that what was happening, was real. She was reassured when Kate asked again.

"I would love that."

Kate and Johanna both turned to look at Dr. Gates.

"You can go. I think my work here is done." Gates smiled and made one last notation on her notepad.

"Oh, look at you. You really have dressed like that your whole life huh?" Johanna set down the photo she was holding and picked up another one.

"Yeah. Dad said that I picked it out myself. I just stuck with it." Kate took another forkful of fried rice.

They were sitting on her living room floor with their backs against the couch.

Johanna flashed Kate a picture. Kate laughed.

"Yeah. He took that too." It was a picture of Kate as a baby, standing up against the window. She was blowing a spit bubble on the glass.

"Now that is cute."

"Or gross."

Johanna placed it back down and picked up another. In it, Kate was twirling in a purple plaid dress. Johanna looked back at Kate and gleamed proudly.

"What?" Kate pulled the fork out of her mouth.

"I am so proud of who you have become."

"Thanks."

Johanna nodded and they spent the rest of the night flipping through old photos. Laughing at the silly ones, crying at the sad ones, and smiling at the happy ones. Kate and Johanna were both unaware that Jim's magic was in play.

Sure, Kate didn't know it at the time but, Jim knew these pictures would do more than just be memories for them. He knew every time the flash went off, that this would help Johanna meet her daughter. They were the pieces that would put them back together.


	31. Chapter 31

Ch. 31 Last Christmas

Kate's phone was ringing but she ignored it. It kept ringing and that's when Kate looked at her bedside clock.

"6 A.M.?" She pulled the covers back up and threw her pillow on top of her head. She breathed a sigh of relief when it stopped ringing but then she heard a knock at her door.

"What the?" She tried to ignore that too but it wasn't going away. Finally, surrendering, she got out of bed and made her way to her door.

"Yeah! Yeah! I am coming! Chill!" She wiped her eyes of the previous night and peeped through her viewer. When she saw it was Rick, she was confused.

"What are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to greet me?" He narrowed his eyes at her but then smiled and walked in.

She closed the door and spun back around. Her eyes were droopy and she was half awake.

"Kate? Are you with me?" Rick walked up to her and gently shook her shoulders.

"Barely. Why are you waking me this early?" She flashed her eyes at him and sat down on her bar stool.

"It's Christmas Eve! By the way, nice jammies." He tried to cover up his laugh but he made no achievement.

Kate fully opened her eyes and looked down. "What's wrong with them?" She was wearing a Grinch t-shirt and her Santa, skull boxers.

"No, I mean it. They are cute." He tried to warm his hands and half smiled at her.

"I'll make coffee, now that I am awake. You never did tell me why you felt the need to wake me up so early." She took out two purple coffee cups and turned on her machine.

"It's Christmas Eve!" His eyes got real wide and he shook his head as if that was a tell.

"Yeah. I got that part." She kissed the top of his head and sat back down next to him.

"Well, everyone is coming over my place like we planned. However, Alexis is freaking out that no one will like her. I have tried to say that won't happen but she refuses to listen to me. I was hoping that you could talk to her." He rubbed her knee and his eyebrows perked up.

"So, let me get this straight. You woke me up too early, insulted my jammies, and now you want me to calm Alexis about your party that isn't happening for eleven more hours?" She tilted her head to the right and raised her brows right back at him.

"Well, your place is Christmas ready."

"So is yours. I was there to help get it that way."

"I know and it looks great. I wasn't insulting you by the way. I told you that your jammies were cute."

"You said nice." Kate poured them both coffee and walked to her couch.

Rick followed her into her living room and let his eyes travel around her decorations.

In front of the window was her artificial tree adorned with pink and purple lights. If he was really looking, he would catch a lot of old ornaments. Most of them from her childhood. Her first baby's Christmas ornament, her name ornaments (one with Kathryn, Kat, and Katie Kat), her Alice in Wonderland ornament, all of the Disney Princesses, Tinker Bell, angels, a lot of handmade ones, toy soldiers, nutcrackers, and her ballerina from the time she saw The Nutcracker Ballet. Then, were more recent ones: picture framed ornaments, a police car, Twilight ornaments, a coffee cup, a guitar, a pencil, and the one Alexis got her (a dream catcher), and the one Rick had just got her (a camera). Her mantle was lined with fake snow and held many nutcrackers of all different kinds. Garland was hung anywhere she could get it to go and her tree skirt was her and her dad's favorite one: Santa with a little girl on his lap. The angel at the top of her tree was fairly new. It was a brown haired angel wearing all white.

"I meant cute." He sat next to her and leaned his head on her shoulder.

"What?" She took a sip of her coffee and passed him her annoyed eyes.

"Will you talk to her?"

"Like at this minute?" She took another sip of her coffee then let it just warm her hands.

"No. In a couple of hours. She said that she was going to try to get a nap in." He set down his coffee and rubbed his eyes with the bottoms of his hands.

"How long have you been awake?" She pulled her Santa blanket off the back of the couch and slid it over both of them.

"Since three. I am so tired and there was no way she was letting me sleep so I came here." He nestled his head on her shoulder and cuddled up to her. "So warm." He smiled and his cheeks turned rosy.

"Well, thank you for waking me up." She lost her tone and continued, "I am glad you decided to come here and of course I am warm. I just came from my warm bed."

"Mmhmm." He nodded his head but kept his eyes closed.

Her smile was playful and she finally realized what he was wearing. He was still in his jammies. His red and green flannel jammies looked sexy on him and she wasn't afraid to admit that to herself. She noticed he started to doze off and she let him. She placed her coffee down and cuddled up next to him too. Before she closed her eyes, she saw snow drifting outside.

_A white Christmas._

"See. Told you everything would be great." Kate rubbed Alexis's back and Alexis nodded.

"You were right. Sorry for freaking."

"Don't worry about it." Kate left Alexis to talk to Lanie and just stepped back to enjoy the view.

Johanna was sitting on one of Rick's bar stools wearing a nice red sweater with black dress pants. Talking with her was Captain Montgomery and his wife, both of them wearing matching outfits. A few down from them was Kevin and his wife Jenny, talking to Javier. She looked around Rick's living room and stopped on his elaborate Christmas tree. Every colored light possible was on the tree along with every ornament and bulbs you could think of. Wreaths hung on every door and in every window. Garland lined the frames of all the doors and walls. The train he had as a little kid was busy going around the tree. She was so caught up in his display that she didn't notice when he made his way over to her.

"Egg nog?" He handed her a glass. He smiled and took a sip of his own.

"Thanks." She clinked glasses and took a sip herself. She let her eyes speak for herself.

"I love you too." He leaned in and kissed her lightly. "I can't wait till everyone leaves and I can sleep."

She reached over and smacked his red, sleeved shoulder.

"I was not including you. Ouch." He rubbed his shoulder and she laughed at him.

"Don't be a baby." She smiled a little and let him follow her to his couch.

"I just want to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here with me this year and easily being the prettiest person here." He looked down at her vintage, green and red, plaid dress. The dress's sleeves went just to her wrist and her black, velvet collar made her look eloquent.

Color rose to her cheeks and she looked down towards her lap.

"I meant it." He lifted her chin with his finger then pulled her in for a kiss.

They were broken from their stare when Alexis shouted, "Presents!"

Everyone was happy over their gifts. Javier loved his watch from Kevin and Jenny. Captain Montgomery immediately slid on Javier's tie. They all laughed when it started to blink. Kate teared up when she opened the locket Lanie gave her to a picture of her and Lanie from when they first became friends. Lanie loved her new pair of pumps that Kate knew she had her eyes on. Johanna cried when she opened her gift from Kate. In the little box was a framed photo of Kate when she was just a baby. She was in Jim's arms. Alexis gave Rick her sober chip. He immediately got up and hugged and kissed his sister. Kate got a book of poems that Alexis had written. She thanked her and told her she couldn't wait to read them all. Johanna gave Kate a book of promises. Kate knew that her mom would stick to every last one she wrote. Rick gave Alexis their mother's wedding ring on a chain. Alexis cried and slid it over her neck. Kate gave Alexis a certificate for piano lessons. Captain Montgomery gave Kevin and Jenny tickets to a Rangers game, which happened to be one of Kevin and Jenny's first dates.

It all turned out to be a great Christmas Eve.

"I am glad it's just you and me all day." Kate smiled when Rick walked through her door.

"Me too. What do you want to do first?" Rick slid off his jacket and as he turned around, Kate jumped in his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist.

She tugged his lips into a kiss and tried to get every bit of him. She pulled her lips off of his and bit her bottom lip.

"So, that?"

She nodded and whispered in his ear, "My Christmas gift takes place in the bedroom."

When he faced her again, he turned his head towards her bedroom, and she nodded.

"Well, Merry Christmas." He ran with her in his arms to her bed.

Under the candlelight, they made love for the first time. It wasn't all a hungry and intense time. It was at first. They couldn't get enough of each other. They tasted every bit of each other and clung to each other's every touch. At first, they wanted each other in a frenzy. As they made love more than once, it became less intense and more passionate. The slow kisses on her neck made what they had so much more than just physical.

For this was the first time they were even making love, a decision she made. She wanted there to be real love before they took it on the physical level.

As the candles wore down, they just held each other and kept passing tender kisses. They were so comfy that neither wanted to leave the warmth of the other's arms but the day was still ahead of them.

With persuasion, they both took a shower. The whole time, he kept landing kisses here and there. Some on her nose, on her cheek, and her neck. As she was washing his back, she traced the curves in his back and kissed his shoulders. They smiled at each other with a look, only two people who were in love with each other could offer.

She made breakfast while they dried each other off and filled the time with laughter and more kisses. She sat in his lap while they fed each other pancakes with her dad's homemade syrup. She made sure she ate most of the bacon and he made no objections.

He was just glad to be with her. He was grateful to even have her in his life. He didn't take any minute he had with her for granted. With Alexis healthy and helping at a soup kitchen all day, he was happy to spend his favorite holiday with Kate. He would just sit with her and listen to whatever she wanted to say or not say. He smiled when she smiled. He enjoyed hearing the sound of her laughter and how occasionally, she snorted. He loved when she would talk with her hands to help explain her thoughts. He loved when she truly smiled, he could see all of her teeth. How when she was angry, her eyes would narrow in and her brows would furrow. He also loved how she smiled in her sleep. But he especially loved how she would kiss him. In every kiss, he felt all of her love. Overall, he was in love.

There is no easy way to say how Kate felt about Rick. She knew that in ways they had saved each other. She was just so grateful for the quiet or loud moments they shared. She was just lucky to have him in her life in the first place. She loved how his eyelashes would graze the tops of his cheeks when he was being a smart ass. She loved how the corners of his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. How his laugh seemed to make her heart bounce. How by just being near him, made her calm and warm. How when she was sad, he would try to make her feel better and hold her in the same way her dad had done for her. She loved how when she missed her dad, she could turn to the similar qualities Rick possessed. How he would just listen, and truly hear every word she had said. How when he touched her, color would rise to her cheeks, giving her away completely. How he looked at her. She had never been looked at the way Rick looked at her. She couldn't quite put it into words but she could tell by how he was looking at her, that he looked at her with love. She wanted to capture every face he made because he wouldn't carry the same face every time. She loved how he kept her on her toes and how he encouraged her. There weren't enough ways to say she loved him and she didn't always have to. They could look at each other and talk without words.

Over pizza and chocolate chip cookies, they watched the snow come down over New York. They passed the silence with love and movies. Over comedies such as, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, they enjoyed their laughter that bounced off the walls. When it came to Kate's favorite Christmas movie, The Nutcracker, they just warmed with the light from her tree and hummed along to the music. Christmas was spent in love.

Love can: come from anywhere, when you least expect it to come to you, heal you, and help you find strength in yourself; or so I've learned.

What I wanted you to know by sharing Kate and Rick's story is that love can and will save the day if you let it. That, don't always look for it, the best and the right kind will come to you. When both of them weren't ready, love came anyway. And by waiting, the best came along. They needed each other and were rewarded for the wait. They found the purest, honest, and truest love that can ever be reached. But that doesn't mean that their story's over. That's all I have reported on. For now.

Hi,

I am the author of the story you have been reading. I would first like to thank kate41319 for convincing me to write this in the first place. Also, for coming up with the idea for it and letting me run with it. Thanks for giving me complete writer's freedom. I thank you so much and this has been fun. You are an awesome friend. I can't wait to write with you again!

I would also like to thank all the readers who took the time to read my story. I hoped you enjoyed it and would continue to support me for when I write in the future. I loved every comment you left! Thanks for being loyal fans!

I can't forget my family. My parents for encouraging me to be creative and for supporting me. Thanks to you for telling me that I had this talent in the first place. Thanks to my brothers for listening to me talk about my story, even if you weren't really listening. Thanks to my Grandma (R.I.P.) for always asking me to read her my latest work and for being the only one to call me "my little author". Also, big thanks to all my friends (past and present) for your support!

Lastly, and not least, _Castle. _Without _Castle, _I don't know where I'd be. You saved me and picked me up when I had too much going on in my life. For giving me the strength to write again after I lost my grandma and for being a loyal friend. Thanks for letting me ease my anxieties while you are on. Big thanks to Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion for starring in my favorite show ever! If it wasn't for them, this story would never have been an idea. Thanks to Andrew Marlowe for making _Castle_ happen in the first place. Thanks also to Rob Bowman for filming such a fantastic show! And lastly, everyone else who is a part of _Castle_. Thanks for saving my life!

Chelsea Marie (chelseamariec)


End file.
